Ep 6. Roadies on the Trail

Jon's confidence in his own abilities squares and then cubes during a tour of duty with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Our Roadies pile into their roller-home, a bit disappointed to be leaving the marvelous Mounties, but panting to partake of a new mission. Jon takes the wheel as the others take a chill on the couches back yonder. Dan questions Jon: you claim to be athletically uninclined - does that mean sexually too? Jon brings that line of thinking to a screeching halt - no, no, no! Jon explains that he is very coordinated in sex. We're talking Twister Pro. Dan pushes further, "what muscles do you use during sex?" Jon says most important is the gluteus maximous - for thrusting. Noah grabs his guitar - that's right, it's song time! Is this the Salvador Dali ROAD RULES or what?! Noah strokes as Dan lets loose with a ditty about Jon's tight shorts that feature his butt and his big semi-truck. Hours of driving land the kiddies in NORTH DAKOTA. Have you ever been there? Me neither. It's one of those rarely visited, mystery states. Now we roll on in to THE FIGURE FOUR RANCH. Noah's hoping for a farm girl, "who wears chaps and you can see her naked butt sticking out." Suzy chapstick. Jon pulls on the parking brake as Noah busts out the back door, falling right into the arms of CARMEN. Guess what? She's a foxy farm girl with long blond hair - no chaps, sorry. Tara is rolling her eyes and hanging onto her lunch: "Noah thinks every girl is in love with him." Well, aren't they? Carmen introduces TEX and KEITH, two Native American men who proceed to reveal the mission: a two-day cattle drive! The Roadies will be in charge of delivering six cattle to sacred Indian grounds where a Pow-Wow with nearly a thousand spectators will be waiting. The cows will be like a gift to the tribe. Do we have to wrap them? Stupid question. Carmen leads the Road-wranglers over to a small corral where she introduces them to their new horsies. She demonstrates how to saddle up - blanket, then saddle, then synch. Now everybody up, and we're riding! Look up ahead - there are the cows. Oh, they're cute. But Noah is a little apprehensive - "we have no training"!! Carmen explains, "this is your training right now." The Roadies ride along with the cattle, keeping them in check as Carmen explains that the animals must be herded through the gate up ahead. Without so much as a whispered clue, the little cows dart right into the gate as if on cue. Roni has got this mission in the bag - "you walk along side of the cows and they walk with you - it's easy." Now a good night's sleep. Are you counting sheep or cows? Rise and shine. Tex hands Jon a map - this is the route you'll follow, try to keep the yearlings out of the brush. And now we're on our way! Yee, haw! Look at this gorgeous open country. Nothing but wide open plains and crisp blue sky - not a cloud overhead. And look at our little cows - they're marching single file, for gosh sakes. Such formality. Such nice manners. But, heck, it is a little hot out here. Whew. We need to find that first gate we're supposed to pass through. Hey!! Before the Roadies can say get the hell back here, one of the cows has slipped through the barbed wire and is following its own path. Roni charges off after the little bugger, but wait - she's got the map! She's out of sight and no one knows which way to go. The other cows can sense the confusion. No one is directing their course. Make a break for it... Roni rides back to the group, explaining she almost caught the runaway, but then her canteen exploded all over her leg. Noah is like, "how could you leave with the map?!" Now all of the remaining cows start to scatter and Roni starts barking out orders and swearing her head off. Anne curses right back, and Tara cusses them both out. Amidst the ensuing confusion, a second cow escapes. Two down, four to go... Anne is about to pass out - "it's got to be a million degrees out here and no cloud cover." Jon is not happy with their progress, explaining "we'll make it to the Pow-Wow with a hoof - hopefully." Now the remaining four cow-punks dive into the safety of some green brush. They're completely hidden. Noah jumps off his horse and goes in, screaming his head off, trying to scare the cows out into the open. He's able to chase two of the beef patties out into the open, but the other two just won't budge and the Roadies vote to abandon the pair. The cows seem happy with the decision. They like baking in the sun with no food or water in sight? That's why they're cows and not people. But gosh, that shady brush does look pretty tempting... The Roadies pull off the main path and park it under a shady tree. Only two cows left. Roni wants to quit. New York must seem a long way away right now. Dan wouldn't mind - his horse won't move either way. Jon jumps on his horse and announces, "rest time is over - let's get a move on!" Jon's enthusiasm rallies the spirits of his Roadmates, and all are back in the saddle. Anne explains, "if it wasn't for Jon, we would have quit." No sooner are the Roadies on the move than their last two steak sandwiches dive into another cluster of shady brush. Roni nearly snaps, pounding on her poor horse's neck. Jon jumps off his horse and stalks into the brush. He's able to chase the cows out, but they dash right back in. It's all very KeyStone Cops. Of course, Noah thinks he can do a better job, so he jumps down and enters the weeds, threatenin "I'm gonna cook you and eat you!" Please do! Pause. No cows are running for their lives. Anne calls out, "Noah, what are you doing?" Noah yells, "dragging my ass through poison sumac!" Don't scratch... The Roadies are now carefree. Oops, I mean COW-FREE. Look - all gone! No cows and no water. Now, the only goal is to make it to the campground - alive! Dan takes the map and control. After hours of trotting over the hot-baked brown earth, the Roadies arrive at a small, deserted corral. This is it?! No water, no beds, no food?! There's nothing to do now but curl up with a stinky, sweaty flea-ridden horse blanket. Good night, John-Boy. Anne confesses, "right now I would trade my car for a jug of water." What kind of car is it? Tara is dreading tomorrow's embarrassment - "we have no gifts for the Indians." You call it corn, we call it mad cow disease. Next morning. Let's take a bath in OFF insect repellent. Fun, fun, fun. The glamour of television. No, there's no breakfast, silly! The Roadies mount their horses - at least we can move faster with no cows. Small comfort. Dan is Mr. Map, and he leads his buddies to the Indian grounds in a matter of hours. Look up there - on that ridge. It's just like in "Dance with Wolves" - there's a whole tribe lined up on horseback. That's pretty impressive. Tex rides down to the Roadies, greetings, and leads them over to the Pow Wow. As the Indian community looks on, Tex commends the Roadies for their effort, comforting them for doing their best. Tex instructs the Roaders to take their horses over to the corral on the far side of the property. The kids arrives at the corral to find their six cows - ready and waiting. Anne figures it out - "they followed us and picked them up as we lost them." Cute. Tex introduces the Roadies to the BRADY family. These Bradys are kind of like the Jackson Five of the reservation. They can dance, brother! Now it's lessons for everyone. Anne and Tara are jumping around like they're in an aerobics class, while Roni is right at home. Jon confesses he usually dances like a zombie. Dan isn't too light on his feet, but Noah is really into it - he's pretty good - he's channeling Little Booty Shaker. Now everyone is herded into hair and makeup. And don't forget your costume! These are amazing costumes - they must weigh a ton. Or are they light as a thousand feathers? The Roadies dance before hundreds of spectator and Jon is really moved by the experience, confessing "my grandfather is part Native American and I wish I knew more about him." Jon is no zombie tonight... Now the leaders of the tribe direct the Roadies into a huge tee-pee where they are given Indian names as a reward for completing their mission. Receiving an Indian name is quite an honor, and the ceremony is accompanied by much solemnity. Here's a rundown: Anne: Yellow Corn Woman. Roni: Brings the Sage. Tara: Red Corn Woman. Noah: Two Feathers. Jon: Rides the Horse. Dan:Eagle Wing. The Roadies head back to the Winnie, where they have change into comfortable jeans and sweat shirts. They huddle around their own campfire as Roni sums up the challenge of the last few days: "we need to learn to work together as a group." Now let's have a barbecue!!