Ep 5. Is That a Gun In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Noah is ordering the others around like a general trying to make sure no one gets killed. Anne reminds Noah "you're not the boss of me" as Jon threatens to throttle him!? Those rowdy Roadies are off to Regina, Canada to hook up with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. The drive from Calgary isn't so smooth. The highway is fine - no potholes. The trouble is Jon and Noah. They've had just about enough of each other. Noah thinks that Jon just revels in being weird. Flipside, Jon believes that Noah never thinks before he speaks - he ends up hurting everyone's feelings. This tension is clearly compounded by the fact that Jon is dreading the Mounty Mission - "it's cordial Military silliness" - while Noah just can't wait to get in there and flash his badge. The Roadies roll into the RCMP compound, which looks like a tidy college campus. Except for those tidy rows of smartly dressed law-enforcement clones. Great hats. The mayor of the mission explains that the Rulers will be training with the cadets for a few days. Everyone is excited - except for Jon, of course. He confesses, "I'd rather cut off my own legs than be a cop." The mayor escorts the kids to b-block. That's RCMP talk for THE BARRACKS. Barracks is a fancy word for dorm room. Girls and boys are housed in different wings. No hoochie koochie for youchie. In the boyz' barrack, a cadet explains that everyone must rise at 5:15. And be sure to make your bed, following the official RCMP "how to make your bed" diagram. Oh, and shave those sideburns off. Noah isn't having that! Uh, uh. No way. The cadet shows the boyz the community showers and the truth rains down. Jon will not shower in front of others. Period. He explains that he will be wearing his swimming trunks into the shower. Whatever. Now it's off to the first day of drill practice. The Roadies enter the gymnasium where a hundred cadets are neatly squared off into tight rows. Great hats. The Roadies try to blend in with the cadets - which is kind of hard because the roadies don't have hats. The drill sergeant tries to comfort the Roadies, confessing that he doesn't expect them to pick up on all of the marching commands right away. In fact, "at ease everyone." Hey, wait a minute! That doesn't mean slouching! The sergeant explains, "at ease means feet twelve inches apart, eyes forward and don't move except to breathe and blink." This is at ease? I'd hate to see at attention! Jon privately confesses, "I hate this mission," and boy-oh-boy you can see it on his face. What's with that hung-jaw look, mister? Smile! You're on TV! The sergeant starts barking out commands - it's kind of like a square dance. The Rulers try to follow along but it's just a big mess - everyone is stepping on everyone's toes and bumping into each other and falling behind and just - oh, it's a mess. LUNCH BREAK! Thank God. At the lunch table, the tension between Noah and Jon escalates. Noah reminds J-boy that the cadets will rip him to shreds if he actually showers in his bathing suit. Tara reminds Noah that no one criticizes Noah for his phobias. Jon sarcastically thanks Noah for his support. Tara privately confesses that she has noticed that Noah is always calling Jon a weirdo. Maybe Noah is jealous of Jon's creativity and original worldview. Or maybe Jon is a weirdo. Lights out. Lights on. Holy cow. That wasn't a night's sleep, that was a night's nap! Off to the showers. Noah and Dan - nice butts, boyz. Jon, nice trunks. Are those Columbia Sportswear? Just right for the ocean or the locker room. But what does Jon have against a little bare skin? He finally confesses, "I had a problem with faulty zippers as a kid." The Roadies pull on their uniforms. Finally - hats! They really look great. All that starched khaki. And the boots. Arrest me, please! The Rulers are dressed to the nines for their hike over to the gymnasium. But now it's into the locker rooms and out of those uniforms and into the workout clothes. First exercise. Pick a partner. One take a stick and one take a pad. Now hit the pad with the stick as if you are defending yourself against attack. Well, as the fates would have it, Jon's got the pad and Noah's got the stick. Noah is so into this - SMACK, SMACK, SMACK! Meanwhile, Jon is just not jibing: "I think it's so weird that Noah is excited about hitting a mat with a stick while imagining the mat is another human being." Now a round of twelve, count 'em, twelve fitness exercises. Weight lifting. Sit-ups. And the dreaded simulated police chase. It's like an obstacle course with a few surprises. Everyone is pulling it out, but suddenly Noah is on the ground. He can't breathe! Asthma - he's got it bad. Jon can't help but find the irony, "he's the one who enjoys this mission, and now he's performing the worst." It's hard to perform without air, Jon. Everyone is getting enough air out on the firing range. Yeah, these are real guns. Yeah, those are real bullets. Anne lets a bullet fly and she's a little intimidated - "the recoil on this thing is killer!" A row of five round targets have been placed along a far wall - they look like dinner plates. Go! Noah fires and fires, but he only gets two plates down before he runs out of ammo. Jon, you're up. Jon picks off each target without missing a beat. Aren't you fancy. Noah is shocked. Jon is too. Talents are surfacing. You've got the uniform. You've got the training. You've got the gun. Now it's time to put you to the test. The mayor explains that now it's time to play SCENARIO. It's gonna be really real - but no bullets. The mayor explains that the RCMP have received a domestic violence call. Mom and Dad are at it again. The kids motor to the designated address. Everyone breaks into teams. Anne and Tara, you're first. Go in and see what the problem is. Anne secures the gun at her waist as she and Tara march towards the house. Before reaching the front door, you can hear the couple arguing. After some backtalk from the husband, Anne and Tara manage to get more than just a foot in the door. Anne is doing all the talking. Turns out the wife has been punched. Anne orders the husband to put his hands up. Before Anne can get the cuffs on, hubby has grabbed a shotgun and blown Anne away. Anne: "I was shot three times at point blank range. With a shotgun. I'm dead." You sure are, honey. Noah and Dan, you're in. The boyz step to the door and you can really hear the couple going at it. They're mad. Once inside, Dan's doing all the talking and, of course, he discovers that the wife has been punched. Noah quickly arrests hubby. But now wifey has changed her mind - "let my husband go!" Dan tries to explain is doesn't work like that, and the wife becomes belligerent. In fact, hey, she's pushing Dan around. But Danny-boy doesn't stand for that! You're under arrest ma'am. Dan snaps the cuffs on mom and leads her out to the sidewalk. He turns his back for a second and wifey grabs a small pistol from her back pocket and shoots Dan in the stomach. That's right, he forgot to frisk her. Jon and Roni, you're in. Roni is doing the talking, "maybe we can help you two get some counseling." Before you can say, "did your parents beat you," hubby is out the back door. Jon is right after him, dashing around the side of the house. There he is! "Put your hands up," yells Jon, drawing his gun and aiming at hubby. The suspect follows orders. Jon steps over and snaps the cuffs on, but the suspect quickly reaches for the pistol hidden in the waistband of his jeans. Jon wrangles hubby to the ground, but it could go either way. Roni to the rescue. R-girl dashes up to the scene and orders the suspect to freeze, but he won't stop thrashing. So Roni blows him away. That's right. "I had to do it, the suspect was threatening the life of my partner." Jon and Roni walk away alive, winning the scenario. The Roadies change into their dress-reds for the graduation ceremony. These uniforms make the others look like rags. Snazzy! As the Rulers stand at attention, the head guy presents each with a certificate of training. Jon and Roni are called forward for special recognition for their participation in the scenario. Jon has had a realization. "I was dreading this mission and it turned out to be so much fun. I learned I shouldn't be underconfident in my abilities." And you can see it on Jon's face as he accepts a special hat from the mayor - he's proud. And he should be. Now flip that hat over, Jon. And there's a clue! "Your next mission requires a reservation." Do you have a table for... Adventure, party of six?"