Ep 4. Breaking In and Breaking Bones

Look out the window - it's nature! The kids are off to Calgary and the scenery is just beautiful. Gorgeous mountains, flower-sprinkled country side - hey, there's a bear cub! Of course, our cast members are sprawled out and chatting, well below window level. You're missing the view... Noah's kickin' it on the couch and Anne is curled next to him, her head in his lap. She's playing with his hair, and he's letting her. He takes the opportunity to remind her, "I really like girls." What is Anne, a hermaphrodite? Over on the other couch, more cuddlin' is going down. Dan and Tara are shoulder to shoulder, nose to nose. Tara asks Dan, "do you believe there's one perfect person out there for you?" Can you say, soul mate? Dan is a believer, but he's afraid he'll never find his one-and-only. Dan, if you stick your tongue out you'll bump right into her... The Roadies pull off the main highway, deciding to spend the night at a comfy hotel - why kill ourselves trying to drive to Calgary in one day? Now. What shall we do? Let's hit the pool! Everyone changes into bikinis and trunks. Yes, Jon is wearing trunks. Splash, splash, float, float, and now you're a water prune. Dan and Noah hit the hot tub as the others exit to towel off. Amidst foaming bubbles, Dan opens her heart to Noah - he doesn't know what to do! He just broke up with Rachel last week (remember, they were together for two years) and now he's interested in Tara. Hear that, Tara? Noah advises Dan, "Tara is too close to home." Dan doesn't get it, so Noah continues: "if you guys get together and it doesn't work out, you're stuck together for nine weeks - you should just hook up with different girls along the way." Like you, Noah? Dan shakes his head, "I'm just not like that." Back in the hotel room, Tara is pouring her heart out to Jon. There's a lot of that going around - just check the hot tub. Apparently, Tara is really into Dan, but she does recognize that she is a total RB - rebound girl. She also realizes that a visit to the Midwest could force she and Rachel into an uncomfortable confrontation. And that would be a little... ugh, I don't even want to think about it! The next morning, everyone is bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, brushing teeth and blowing hair, prepping for the final leg of the journey to Calgary. Noah hauls his backpack across the parking lot and over to the Winnie. Hey, what the... The window of the side door is smashed - the screen is torn. Noah pulls the door open. Oh my God... The winnie has been broken into - robbed and ransacked. Everything is overturned - total tornado. Everything that was in the cupboards is now on the floor. Complete deviant disaster. Noah, don't forget to breathe... Noah runs back to the hotel and drops the bomb. All run to the Winnie. Anne surveys the damage and covers her mouth with her hand, "I feel like I'm going to throw up." Roni beats a fist into the wall, "they stole all my f*cking clothes - my Victoria's Secret underwear - that sh*t is expensive!" As fate would have it, Anne had brought her backpack into the hotel the previous night. She quickly tells Roni and Tara "you can wear my clothes - take what you want." Isn't she a doll? Noah rummages through the wreckage and suddenly, the tears start rolling - his guitar has been stolen. Anne covers her face in horror... Do our Roadies give up? Do they give in? Do they call home and ask for a helicopter rescue? NO! They take a deep breath and keep going - just like life. Everyone pitches in and soon the Winnie is restored to it's former condition - in fact, it's a little cleaner. Everyone buckle up, we're on our way to Calgary! Ain't no stoppin' now... Noah's at the wheel and Anne's riding shotgun as the other indulge in a morning nap. Noah quietly asks Anne, "are you attracted to me?" She considers, then offers a complex but clear response, explaining that Noah is A) not her type B) only 19, and C) has a girlfriend. At the same time, Anne admits that Noah is pretty cute and fun to be around and those facts force her to admit that, yes, she is attracted to him. The truth comes out. Of course, Anne can't help but ask, "are you attracted to me?" Noah smiles, "yeah, sometimes." This really is Noah's arc, everyone paring off in twos. Does this mean that Roni and Jon are next?! The Roadies finally roll into Stampede Park - where they glimpse a towering stadium. Jon immediately notices an enormous black truck with the letters WWF emblazoned on the side. Could it be? Pulses start to race. Jon confesses, "working with the World Wrestling Federation would be a dream-come-true!" Guess what Jon - dreams really do come true on ROAD RULES. As Noah pulls the Winnie up to the back door of stadium, two gorillas, and we mean GORILLAS, exit and start moving towards the Bago. These guys are mountains of punk-rock muscle, dressed in violent jewelry, black boots, and evil makeup. Mom, I'm scared. The hulks rip the passenger door open, screaming, "your next mission is to get your asses kicked!" Noah refuses to be intimidated, "you guys aren't so tuff." One of the flesh piles yanks Noah out of the Winnie by the scruff of the neck and shoves him towards the entrance - this guy is not playing around. In fact, Noah, did that hurt? It's only the beginning... The Roadies are escorted into the WWF dressing room. The joint is littered with fancy-frocked wrestling superstars. There's an Elvis-wrestler, a homeboy-wrestler, a GQ-wrestler - it's all so creative. The hulks order everyone to peel off their street clothes and change into wrestling uniforms. Everyone, that is, except Noah. The WWF punks have decided Noah is a special project - he needs special clothes. Noah gets to wear a dress. After a quick presto-chango, everyone is lead into the stadium and into the ring. It's just like on TV. Anne comments, "I feel like I'm auditioning for GLOW." That's Glamorous, Ladies Of Wrestling... Now it's a crash course - how to become Hulk Hogan in ten easy steps. First: The Drop. It's just like it sounds - cross your arms over your chest and Neste Plunge straight back. Now: The Running Flip. This is hysterical to watch. Dan runs to the center of the mat, flips, and lands right on his butt. Anne lands on her head. Careful there, kids... Noah is so excited about being in the ring, he's climbing all over the ropes. One of the hulks asks Noah to knock it off and pay attention, but Noah can only laugh. But Mr. WWF just isn't having it - he scowls at Noah, growling "you're becoming a real jackass!" Look out Noah, you're gonna get squashed like a bug... Now it's the Shoulder Slam: smash into your opponent's back and send him sprawling on his butt. The Roadies are pretty good at this - it's a great opportunity for them to take out their aggressions - and they do! Now it's Leg Lock time. The towering WWF guy twists Jon's stems into a pretzel - Jon can only plead, "I want my mom." That's mommy, you pretzel stick of a man.. Practice time is over. Ready for a real match? The hulks command the Roadies to follow them - outside. Outside? Why? The ring is right here. Blinding sunlight slams into everyone's eyes. Look, there's another ring set up out here in the parking lot. With bleachers - they're full of spectators! It's time for a few rounds of wrestling, but not WWF style - it's SUMO time. The Roadies each slip into huge, flesh colored sumo costumes and get pumped up - the suit gets filled with air until each kid looks like a four-hundred pound ball of flesh. Here's a black wig to top off the effect. Viola! The opponents square off in a circle - the first to push the other completely out of the circle is the winner. After a few elimination rounds, the finalists are Jon and Roni. Who will be the sumo champion of 1998? Ready, set - SUMO! Roni dives for Jon's legs and he's down like a beached whale. Now Roni rolls Jon right out of the circle, rolling herself into the championship. Roni is rewarded with the gold ROAD RULES wrestling belt - hey look, there's a clue taped on the back: go visit the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Kewl! Roni holds her belt above her head, proud to be a winner. Breakfast of Champions. Let's see her face on a box of Wheaties. Let's see her endorsing Nike tennis shoes. Let's see her auditioning for SLOW. SLOW? That's Sumo Ladies Of Wrestling..