'The X Factor' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap - 'Auditions #5'

We're back in Providence, Rhode Island, which looks lovely, but I'm still surprised that all these people can even fit in Rhode Island. State's small.

The "endearing" judge gag of the day involves Britney's manager telling one of the show's assistants, Wade, to find Britney a straw hat. The manager seems to find this hilarious. Nobody finds himself funnier than Simon, though, who shows up to the auditions on a dinky motorized scooter with full police escort.

We keep focusing on Adonis & John, who are a group. They kinda remind me of a young, tattooed version of the Car Talk guys. They sing Lionel Richie's "Hello" (badly), but their entertainment value gets them through a good half of the song before Simon stops them.

In fact, the entire episode starts off with a montage of terrible singers, because that's really how you want to start off a two-hour episode of a talent show. Only slightly less exciting is the continuation of the Wade gag, as he shows up with a straw hat only to have Britney ask for a tiara instead. OMG SO FUNNY LOLZ.

Dinah Jane, 15, is also pretty unexciting. Talking is not her strong suit, so let's hope singing is. It's hard to tell at first since she sings "If I Were a Boy" and really whispers her way through the low notes. But when she starts belting the high ones, it's clear she has the stuff to get far in this competition. An easy four yeses. Now she'll just have to work on her charisma.

Arin Ray is another young one at 16, who was apparently part of the awful kid's group InTENsity last year. Poor Arin. He's auditioning as a soloist again this year, most likely hoping and praying that they'll keep him as such. Interestingly, Arin goes with an original song he wrote called "Count On Me." It's very Usher. The vocals are not especially impressive, but the whole thing is enough to put him through.

Natalie Martin is next, and at 16 another youngster. Where are the old people? She claims Britney is her inspiration, but then she sings a country song. She's followed by 16-year-old Nick Perelli. I'm sensing a theme here. He does a pretty solid Sinatra. We saw a Sinatra singer last year make it to the finals but no further, so we'll see if Nick makes it. Beatrice Miller follows that up, and impresses at just 13 years old. One4Five is a two-man rap group, with one guy who wears a sock monkey on his wrist and the other who wears bright blue zombie contacts. And they wrap up this montage.

I'm not even going to talk about the lady in the sailor suit who sings "My Heart Will Go On." Out of protest.

Austin Kearney is approached by two audience members who were clearly pulled and placed backstage for the purpose of asking for Austin's autograph. All of this stuff is completely implausible, but I'm dealing with it. At least it's different. He sings "Wanted" by Hunter Hayes and does well enough. I'd peg him for someone to be placed in a group. Sure enough, the judges give him a bit of flack about the vocal performance, but send him through anyway.

Nick Youngerman, a janitor, does an energetic rendition of "Ice Ice Baby" that gets Britney out of her seat. He gets sent through, but based on the fact that Astro was a better rapper than anyone we've seen yet, I wouldn't expect any of these rappers to go far.

David Correy and his douchey fedora are next. He has an interesting story, though: he was adopted when he was a baby, and he's hoping that his appearance on the show reconnects him with his birth mother, who was a Brazilian girl of just 14 when she had him. Aww. He does "Just the Way You Are" and gives even Bruno Mars a run for his money. He's through easily.

Sophie Tweed-Simmons, 19, is Gene Simmons' daughter. The most shocking thing is how pretty she is, what with having to deal with Gene's... genes. Ha! Unfortunately she tries to pass off her dad's fame as a terrible curse, which makes her pretty unrelatable. Yeah, it must be horrible being filthy rich.

She does Adele's version of "Make You Feel My Love," and does fairly well with it. She has a nice voice, but you get the sense she's doing a bit of an Adele impression. She also misses a note or two. Demi says she needs a bit more control, and L.A. says he didn't quite get the "chill bumps" that he was hoping for. Sophie calls Britney "ma'am." Ha.

Anyway, L.A. gives a no, but Britney, Demi and Simon all give a yes and Sophie is through. Good thing too, Gene looked like he was going to break something.

Tara Simon has been showing off her obnoxious side throughout all of this, most likely at the urging of the producers, bad-mouthing Sophie and whatnot. She tries a shout-out to the audience, who does not respond. Hilarious. They give her a long time to make the audience hate her on stage, too. Then, she launches into the most embellished, dramatic version of "Without You" you've ever heard. It's barely even a song anymore.

Simon takes the positive side of it, saying that she oversang the song quite a bit, but she definitely has the talent. He's right, she has very impressive range and control, but someone has to rein her in and get her to sing a melody and not just a series of runs strung together. She gets four yeses, and finally seems genuine. "That girl is a total, utter drama queen" says Simon. We're going to have to deal with her for a long time, aren't we? Oh god.

Daryl Black is 37. Finally, someone who isn't a teenager (or, in Tara's case, an adult who acts like a teenager). He charms the judges with his answer to the "what would you do with the $5 million" question, which is that he would buy leather shorts and a big unicycle.

Daryl does a version of "Stereo Hearts" that starts slow and builds a bit as it goes on. He also throws a key change in there. I'm not sure that was the best song choice for him, but his voice is smooth and nice to listen to, and he easily gets his four yeses.

Time for one more: Trevor Moran, 13, complete with Bieber-esque haircut. Trevor is clearly a product of the YouTube generation, making video blogs and posting them and such. And then, Trevor falls ill and the paramedics are called in, and of course "X Factor" exploits the whole thing for a cliffhanger. Gross.