'The X Factor' Season 1, Episode 7 Recap - 'Judges House #1'

After delays due to a combination of baseball and rain, it's "time to face the music," everyone. Who's ready to see some dreams get crushed? I am! Woo!

The Girls are heading off to Paris, so they must know that they're going to Simon's house. Right? It's absurdly lavish: Simon isn't even there at first, as he has to finish his ride on his yacht and drive there in his lamborghini. Are we supposed to like Simon after seeing this place?

The Groups head off to Paula's home in Santa Barbara, which they all correctly call "pretty girly." Along with the groups we've already seen, this corner of the competition will include two new groups, Intensity and Lakoda Rayne, which have been formed from some of the younger contestants that didn't make it in the solo categories.

The Over 30s go to Nicole's ridiculously gorgeous house in Malibu, which I hope is someday ruined in a mudslide. Without her in it, of course. It's just... nobody who was in the Pussycat Dolls should have a house like this. She gives them a speech that sounds a lot like it's all about herself. Because it is. The Over 30s applaud awkwardly.

L.A.'s place in the Hamptons may be the most modest of all of them. At least someone has some taste. The Boys show up and meet him, and most of them are pretty confident with L.A. on their side. Philip is a little unsure about whether his style will work with L.A., but I guess that's what happens when you sing with a style that was popular in the 1940's.

Each mentor has brought a guest mentor: Nicole has Enrique Iglesias, Paula has Pharell, L.A. has Rihanna, and Simon has... no one. Mariah Carey was supposed to be there, but Hurricane Irene kept her in the States. The clear winners here are the Boys, who get to spend the day with Rihanna and her Barbados accent. Damn.

The Boys will start things off, and Brian Bradley is up first. The 14-year-old rapper has a lot to prove to L.A., who said that he's "just too young" for rap. He says he's been practicing. He also has a snazzy new nickname: The Astronomical Kid, or "Astro" for short.

Brian, or Astro, puts together a fun performance about bullying. Nice message, impressive rapping, and he even beatboxes a bit. If anything, Brian has this: Rihanna says he's "so cute." But L.A. brings up an important question: will America vote for him as a rapper, or just consider him a novelty but vote instead for a singer?

Simone Battle is up first for the Girls, and she does a slow, ballad-like cover of "Help" by The Beatles. Interesting... certainly not what I expected from the girl who kept calling herself "fierce" and auditioned with a f**king Pussycat Dolls song.

Okay, hold up for a second: Simon, while watching the performance, is HOLDING A F**KING CAN OF PEPSI. Are you kidding me?

Simone does some interesting stuff with the song, but her voice also cracks a couple of times. Simon says it didn't bother him and that it "added to the emotion." That's being pretty forgiving, but Simon has loved Simone from the beginning. How many more times can she screw up, though?

For the Groups, The Anser is the first one to perform for Paula and Pharell. They talk about coming from Salt Lake City and how they "felt like a fish out of water." But never do they outright say that they're gay. There's another similarity with "American Idol"... avoiding homosexuality at all costs. Nice one, Fox. Watch "The Voice" and report back.

Anyway, The Anser do a heartfelt performance of Pink's "Perfect." It's pretty good.

Dexter Haygood will be the first one up for the Over 30s. Can he finally stop singing like James Brown and acting like Mick Jagger and be himself?

Uh... kinda? Dexter goes through "Crazy in Love" by Beyonce, oddly enough. When he's actually singing, he sounds good. But he spends so much time jumping around that it's hard to hear him. Nicole says it herself: "I would have liked to hear it more." Afterwards, Dexter cries. Again. How many sobbing people do you suppose Steve Jones had to hold ever so gently during the filming of this show? I'd put the over/under at a thousand.

Country singer Skyelor is up next for the Boys. He chooses "Nobody Knows It But Me," and does an okay job with it. He has an interesting tone... as Rihanna says, he has "dimensions" to his voice. But he definitely needs some technical work.

The stylish Tora Woloshin is up next. Her audition of "I Want You Back" was pretty solid, but apparently she's having trouble with today's song, which is "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" by The Rolling Stones. Sure enough, when she performs it, it's technically sound but a little lacking in feeling. The vocal coach says that she's going to need some work.

The next Group is Lakota Rayne. That's Paige, Hailey, Cari and Dani, who joined as soloists but will now be a pop country group. As it turns out, Paige almost dropped out when they learned that they were back in the competition, but changed her mind. Probably when she remembered that she would be on TV and have a chance at $5 million.

Shockingly, the "pop country" group chooses Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" for their song. It's slowed down a bit. It also sounds surprisingly good. Go figure: you take four strong solo singers and put them in a group, and they sound good. They still kinda look like four solo singers singing together, though, rather than a true group. Also, not so sure they really felt that song.

Back to the Over 30s, and Stacey Francis is the next one up. She's been getting lots of screen time since the beginning, when she gave a great audition. Plus, she cries a lot. Crying=screen time.

Stacy pulls out "Purple Rain," a surprising choice, and of course does plenty of wailing on it. Enrique looks absolutely enchanted, and Nicole is immediately in tears. "I think the neighbors heard," says Enrique. Stacey isn't done for more than ten seconds before she starts crying again. Enrique raises an important question: "would she sell, would a record company want to sign her?"

The Brewer Boys are up next for the Groups. Their brotherly banter is entertaining. Their hair tossing, not so much. Their song choice is "Only Girl in the World" by Rihanna, which makes less sense than any of the choices so far, I think. They change it to "I'm gonna make you feel like you're the only girl in the world," which kinda works. I just find them tremendously boring. And the track sounds like a polka.

Both Pharell and Paula agree... they're good, but not great.

Philip Lomax is up next and will be singing a Rihanna song to Rihanna. The song was L.A.'s pick... so I guess the judges are making these strange song choices. Seems like a mean thing to do to poor Philip. Plus, this guy is a Rat Pack style crooner... what is he doing singing Rihanna?

Anyway, the song is "Please Don't Stop the Music," which Philip tries admirably to fit to his style. Not a bad effort, but good lord, he really could have done better with a song that works for him. But when Rihanna and L.A. discuss, L.A.'s motives become clear: he's concerned that Philip won't work commercially.

Elaine Gibbs is up next for the Over 30's... when was the last time we heard from one of the Girls? Just Simone? Anyway, the wedding singer belts out "Stop Crying Your Heart Out" by Oasis. Do you think Elaine has any idea who the hell Oasis even is?

Rugby girl Caitlin Koch is up for the Girls (finally), who Simon said was "the easiest yes I've given so far" when she auditioned. She does a slow, ballad-y version of "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow," which is a nice arrangement if she put it together herself... though it's been sung so many times by so many people I don't know if one of them has done it like this before. Simon has nothing but praise.

Nick Voss, who also completely forgot his lyrics at Boot Camp, is up next for the Boys. The young Elvis fan does an Elvis-y version of "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" by Tears for Fears. I officially give up trying to guess what song these guys are going to sing. I'm lost. Both Rihanna and L.A. are a little hesitant to endorse him. Hard to say if it's his fault, or the song.

4Shore, who impressed with "End of the Road" back at the auditions, are the next Group to get up in front of Paula and Pharell. Their song is "If You Love Me," which they do a nice job with. Both Paula and Pharell agree that the only downside is that they need to "dirty up their style" a bit, otherwise they're solid. They definitely perform like an actual group, rather than a bunch of people who just sing on the same stage.

James Kenney is up for the Over 30s back over in Malibu, and powers his way through a song that they cut so short that I didn't even catch what it was. Enrique thinks that James could do well as the frontman for a Maroon 5 type of band, which seems about right.

14-year-old Drew Rynewicz is up next for the Girls. She's at least appreciative of the fact that she's in France. She does an extremely impressive rendition of "It Must Have Been Love," and the embellishments that she does with her voice are really stunning. Simon is blown away. So am I.

Side note: it would be a lot less uncomfortable if Mariah was there, and if Simon would button up his damn shirt a little. Seriously dude. Don't hang around with a bunch of teenage girls with your shirt unbuttoned to your navel. It's creepy.

That's it for now in this week of delayed "X Factor" episodes. The next one will be on Sunday at 8pm, so long as the ALCS doesn't get in the way again, and Simon Cowell hasn't been arrested.