'The X Factor' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap - 'Auditions #4'

It's the last round of auditions, which means it's the last day that we'll have to watch the "joke" auditioners come on and give horrible performances. Are you excited? I am.

Sometimes it's hard to tell when this show is trying to be funny: the intro for this episode shows all of these heroic shots of New York City, then reveals that the auditions are actually across the river in Newark. I laugh, at New Jersey's expense.

Brian Bradley, a 14-year-old from Brooklyn, annoys me at first sight because of his Bieber-esque outfit, complete with excessively large headphones around his neck. But you have to give him points for showmanship: he gets on stage and fakes beef with Simon, which launches him into his rap performance of a song I can only assume he wrote called "Stop Lookin' At My Mom."

Simon calls him "arrogant, obnoxious, argumentative," but also says that he's extremely talented. He gets equally glowing reviews from the other judges, who all give him a yes.

Kelly, a 22-year-old hairdresser, follows that up and gets four yeses of her own. Aaron Surgeon does what sounds like an average rendition of "Don't Want To Miss a Thing" (in fact, Simon calls it average and gives a no), but he gets three yeses and moves on. He's followed by a string of successes, including Lilliana Rose, who sings "You Are My Sunshine" a capella and wows the judges as well.

Andy, 43, an odd-looking fellow who says he's never kissed a girl, hopes to find fame (and a girlfriend) out of the competition, and maybe open for Billy Joel as well. Andy is incredibly awkward, and sings "Hero" by Mariah Carey even more awkwardly. He gets a no, but the judges are all quite nice to him, and he gets Paula's number. And a hug. I really can't wait for these auditions to be over.

Cashmere (that's what she calls herself) is next, and she automatically loses points for her dumb nickname. Simon has some fun with her, and gets the giggles. At least he acknowledges how ridiculous this whole thing is. Anyway, she's predictably horrible. Have I mentioned I can't wait for these auditions to be over?

My mood is not improved after yet another montage of weirdos, including a guy who hula-hoops his way on stage.

High schooler Carrie Fletcher is up next, and she'd better hope that she's really good...if yesterday is any indication, Carrie could be DOA seeing as she's so cute. Lucky for her, she totally rocks "Alone" by Heart, an audition song that Simon actually likes. But Simon calls her performance "boring," and he has a point... her vocals were good, but there wasn't anything special about it. Regardless, she gets four yeses for potential.

Austin and Emily are a young duo that calls themselves Ausem. Get it? GET IT?! Anyway, these two brought what looks like their entire high school class with them for support. The two of them do their song, and pretty much put on a play instead of just singing their song.

Simon gives them a yes. L.A. and Nicole get a little nasty and call Austin a star but say that Emily is a little weak. Simon puts Nicole on the spot and asks Nicole if she thinks they should split up the group. Simon actually walks off the stage when he can't get an answer out of her. Eventually Ausem gets three yeses, but not before the judges make Emily cry. Poor kid. And it wasn't even Simon who was being mean.

Tora, a 21-year-old who looks like a mix between Lady Gaga and Kat Von D, comes out and gives a pretty rousing rendition of "I Want You Back." It's enough to get the judges dancing, and to make the editors put in some sentimental music when she's done. Tora gets four yeses. Hopefully with the $5 million prize, she can get some of those tattoos removed.

Terrell idolizes Madonna and chooses to start from off-stage so he can do some very Madonna-esque snapping from the wings. His singing is very poor, but you can't knock his enthusiasm. Simon mercifully cuts him off early and calls his dancing "possibly worse" than his singing. Cue the bad dancers montage.

Thankfully, the Stereo Hogzz break the pattern with some actual choreography, even though it's very boy-band-ish. "Over-rehearsed" is the word that Simon uses, and I think that's spot-on. They get four yeses anyway.

Brennan is from Nashville, and he's acutely aware of his attractiveness. He decides to sing his own song, which Simon calls "risky," but Brennan does a nice job with it. The women, unsurprisingly, are all smiles. Simon ends up very impressed and thinks Brennan is the total package, but needs some better advice and decision-making. Brennan gets four yeses to go with his hot girlfriend.

He's followed by Paige Elizabeth, who gets four yeses despite her two first names. LeRoy Bell, who says he is 59 but must have developed some kind of eternal youth elixir, also gets four yeses. We then get a few Biebers in a row, one as a soloist and the others as a duo of brothers. Yeses all around.

Devin, a 21-year-old from New York is up next with "Seasons of Love" and totally breaks the streak with one of the most unlistenable versions of an already listenable songs. It sounds like a frog dying. Simon tries to stop it three times, and thankfully finally succeeds.

Jazzlyn, a 16-year old student, comes out and proceeds to mumble her way through her pre-audition interview due to nerves. Simon does what he can to get her to open up and sell herself a bit, but she won't do it. But when she starts sing "I'm Going Down" by Mary J. Blige, her singing speaks for her. It's very impressive for anyone, much less a 16-year-old.

The judges give her a standing ovation except for Simon, who doesn't stand but shows his support by clapping way above his head. What a douche.

So, Jazzlyn will be the one to wrap up the auditions. Finally, our contestants are set and going to boot camp, and we don't have to hear any more total crap. Yay!