'The X Factor' Season 1, Episode 3 Recap - 'Auditions #3'

'The X Factor' Season 1, Episode 3 Recap - 'Auditions #3' A quick montage of last week's events roll at the beginning of the episode, and then the giant X Factor logo rockets toward earth. Someone should warn the scientists. Also, poor Steve Jones still looks like he's relegated to riding in the trucks. They should really let him ride in L.A. Reid's helicopter.

The first city on the slate for tonight is Chicago, and it's pouring rain. But the crowd of insane contestants are still out there, enthusiastic as ever. Also, these auditions must have happened before some of the ones we saw last week, because Cheryl Cole is back.

Brock and McKenna, a cute blonde couple from Missouri, will start off the day. Oh, wait, they're not a couple... Brock is in love with McKenna, but she doesn't know it yet. Yeah, okay. Anyway, they sing pretty well, and the crowd loves it. The judges love it too, and they get a yes from all four. Brock doesn't make a move on McKenna. Man up, Brock.

Kim Terek, a 35-year-old who has taken ten years of voice lessons, starts off a signature run of terrible auditions. She's followed by Tim and Robin, who aren't the worst we've heard but are still remarkably bad. The monotony is broken up a bit, though, by an older lady who claims she wants to audition to be a judge, not a contestant. She gets a no.

Mississippi native Skyelor, 16 years old, claims he's never auditioned for anything before, and he starts off with a fairly timid country song. But just a few seconds in, the music cuts out due to technical difficulties, but Skyelor keeps right on going. The judges all give him credit for not giving up, and while Paula says he needs to work on his vocals, he still gets four yeses.

Mark, 31, is one of the goofier-looking contestants we've seen, and he claims to be a math nerd as well as an artist. We'll see about that "artist" part. Mark has made his own backing track--and stupid dance--to Radiohead's "Creep," and I hate him more and more every second for it. Now I know why they were playing Owl City when he showed up: he's an electronic douchebag.

He gets some props from the audience, and from Paula, for being a total weirdo. "It sounded so bad but felt so good," says L.A., which is a good way to describe it except for the second part. Paula, Cheryl and L.A. all give him a yes, and I yell at my TV.

That starts a montage of "Planet Paula" contestants, a bunch of weirdos that Simon says are "from la-la land." The montage includes clips from multiple audition days, though, including some that had Nicole at the table, so the illusion is kinda ruined.

Josh, who looks like he'd be a Kevin Smith fan, is here with his mom, who thinks the world of him. She seems more excited to be on TV than Josh is. Josh gets up and says he's going to do "At Last," and Simon says exactly what I'm thinking: "Really?" But Josh totally rocks it, and suddenly his mom looks a little less insane. He has a growling, textured voice with a lot of character to it, and it seems pretty clear that he's going to go far in this competition.

"What I love about you, Josh, is that you're honest. You came out here and you didn't have any gimmicks," says Simon. Then why do you keep giving screen time to the people with gimmicks, Simon?

Four yeses for burrito maker Josh, and I have my favorite contestant thus far. I still don't like his mom, though.

In the second hour, it's back to Seattle and a new round of auditions. Nicole's back now, and I don't get to look at Cheryl anymore. And I'm sad.

The Good Girls, a mother-daughter group, are here, and apparently they wrote a book about Simon. "Oh my God," is Steve's reaction to the girls when they come on stage, and I think that's all that needs to be said about that. Guess what everybody? We just spent an entire segment of the show on them.

A 14-year-old girl with Bieber Fever is up next. They actually spent time filming Drew in her bedroom gawking at a Bieber poster, which seems really inappropriate to me. Of course, they're making a big deal out of it because L.A. is the one who found Justin. She chooses to sing "Baby," which she slowed down to "make it her own," which is a good thing, since L.A. would surely have been pretty critical of a carbon copy of the song.

Drew's cover is actually pretty interesting, and it affords her a lot of opportunities to show off her voice, which has an interesting tone and some technical expertise. L.A. says that she's "special" for being original and making the song her own, and she gets a yes from all four judges.

Peet is up next, and he's 6'1" even though his parents are both below 5 feet tall. He's also always wanted to be a teen heartthrob, even though he's already 21. He's a charming and eager young chap, but his singing isn't so great. Simon calls his singing "terrible" but "horribly honest." The judges give him a no, but they give him a vote of confidence for being a charmer, and think he has a future on TV anyway.
 
A group of four from Virginia beach hope to take a boy band spot, and they call themselves 4 Sure. They're boldly going to attempt a song that L.A. Reid wrote himself, "End of the Road." The judges are skeptical, but they're won over by the solid harmonies. Their soloist is a bit thin, but has a good range.
 
L.A. loved it, and said that it was "just incredible," and Paula notes that their harmonies were "impeccable." They get three yeses and some kind of garbled thing from Paula that I'm pretty sure is a yes.
 
Elaine Gibbs, a 53-year-old wedding singer, wows everyone and will be moving on as well. Francesca, a cute 17-year-old, follows her and gets four yeses as well. The two of them start off a signature montage of good performers, wrapped up by Tiger Budbill, who gets a yes from Paula and Nicole but a no from L.A., but luckily manages a yes out of Simon.
 
Phillip, a 21-year-old waiter, considers himself a "bit of a hipster," but not the kind that wears scarves and listens to Bon Iver. Rather, he's the kind that wears fedoras and sings Rat Pack songs. He does a pretty impressive job with "Fly Me to the Moon," and though Simon notes that he has some vocal issues that need fixing, he's "interesting."
 
Phillip gets four yeses, but Simon observes that Phillip "hasn't listened to a single word we've said." Will Phillip's ego get in the way of him winning? Do any of us care?
 
Here's a montage we haven't seen before: a cattiness supercut.
 
While Simon and L.A. try to bring in some of the many lovely ladies that hit the stage, Paula and Nicole keep shooting them down. That brings us to Tia, a 19-year-old deli clerk who goes a capella on her song, which makes L.A. and Nicole a bit uneasy. Simon pushes for her hard, claiming that she was DOA due to her cuteness. Nicole gives a no, but Simon and L.A. each give a yes. When Paula gives a no, Simon throws his water bottle, exclaims "this is insane," and demands that Tia get another chance. So, what, votes don't count now? Is this a democracy, or what? This is America! USA! USA!
 
Anyway, Tia sings a second time, but isn't much more impressive. Simon has the audience cheering for Tia and booing Paula and Nicole, the latter of whom finally caves and gives Tia a yes. Paula looks pissed, and it's kinda satisfying. She's so pissed, in fact, that she knocks over Simon's bowl of blueberries that he's smugly popping in his smug mouth.
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