'The X Factor' Season 1, Episode 2 Recap - 'Auditions #2'

A quick montage catches us up on the events of Wednesday night's auditions: some good singers, many horrible ones, and a waving penis. Another montage previews tonight's action: more horrible singers, maybe a few good ones, and Carmina Burana.

More pomp and circumstance lead the judges into the building in Miami, and Ashley is the first one up. She tells us that her email is "unstoppabletalent." What's the domain, totallyannoyingdelusionalattentionwhore.com?

She doesn't do much else to ingratiate herself to us as she rambles on for minutes on end, then removes her shoes and begins to warble some tone-deaf crap. L.A. puts it best: "I wanted to slit my wrists." A no from all four judges. "What I don't understand is that he signed Pink. I'm a lot like Pink," says Ashley.

A bit of a medley of bad singers follows, and L.A. and Simon both agree that "today has been terrible." We're even treated to the family member of one of the groups pitching a complete hissy fit, to the point where his mother says "Stop, you're embarrassing your family." Because apparently, just being on "The X Factor" isn't embarrassing enough.

Caitlin Curtis, a 16-year-old student, might be the first one to turn things around, as she's getting a lengthy intro and a complete change of tone. But as it turns out, she's a little too young and underprepared, and she gets a no and completely breaks down on stage. Paula is nice enough to go up and give her a hug and calm her down.

Nick Voss, 21, is the next one up, and he looks like a mix between James Durbin from last season's "American Idol" and Jason Priestly. And maybe Vanilla Ice. But considering the lengthy sequence featuring the judges being down on the talent thus far, Nick has to be the first yes of the show.

Sure enough, Nick puts out an energetic performance of "Trouble," complete with Elvis-like dance moves. His voice has an interesting tone, kinda gravelly, not what you would expect from an Elvis song. L.A. notes that while the singing wasn't great, the overall performance was fun. Even Simon says "I absolutely love you." Nick gets four yeses, and Vanilla Ice-Presley-Priestly makes it to the next round.

Ashley Deckard is up, and she claims that she can see ghosts. She might have just seen people in the interview room...it looks like they've moved on to another plane. She gets a no, as does everyone else that follows her. The producers, meanwhile, keep shutting the lights on and off while the "Ghostbusters" theme plays, and blaming it on Ashley's spirits.

But at the end of that oddly off-key ghost medley, the judges bring in an old singer that's finally good. And girl group 2Squar'd impresses them as well and gets four yeses. Kendra, Brendan, and Jeremaiah (a male soprano) follow, and finally things are going well. Was that actually how things went, or just a matter of editing? Knowing how pre-produced this show is, probably the latter.

Melanie Amaro is up next, an 18-year-old college student who sings "Listen" by Beyonce and absolutely kills it. L.A. clearly loves it, and they give Melanie the entire song. After a very lengthy feedback session, the judges give her four yeses.

That wraps up Miami, and now it's time for Dallas. Jonny Rogers is the first one up, and he's overly concerned with his hair and dance moves, and not as much with his singing. And it shows. But the judges are giving him a lot of stage time for the entertainment factor. L.A. calls him "entertaining for sure." Simon compares him to a defective Justin Bieber doll. Despite some reasonably nice feedback, he gets a no.

Dylan, a boy from Kentucky who sold his truck to get here, gets a lengthy, dramatic intro and then procceds to flail around the stage and scream obscenities. "I think it's time for you to leave the stage," says Simon. I think it's time for you to show us some decent contestants.

Unfortunately, it's time for another montage of terrible performances, including an awkward duet and a guy who does some kind of throat singing.

49-year-old Dexter Haygood is a James Brown carbon copy, but you can't knock him for his enthusiasm. We'll see if the judges knock him for his lack of originality. He sings "Sex Machine," and, as Simon says, "it's a tribute act." Paula agrees that she wants to see something more original. Simon challenges him to sing something else a capella, and Dexter launches into an impressive rendition of "Man's World" that does a much better job of showing off his voice.

L.A. waivers for a bit, but the crowd is fully behind Dexter and they convince him to give a yes. Nicole gives an emphatic yes, and Paula gives him a yes on the condition that he comes back as Dexter and not as James Brown. Simon rounds things out with another yes.

Hog farmer Kyle Corr gets in as well, as do teacher Hannah Jackson, middle schooler Ma'at and hairdresser Austin. But apparently they weren't impressive enough to warrant more screen time.

However, rugby player Kaitlin Cook apparently is. She does a slowed-down version of "Stop in the Name of Love" that elicits a "wow" from Simon. The judges are all very impressed, and Paula calls her unique and original. She gets four yeses, two of them food-related.

Xander Alexander is up next, and he's wearing ropes, so you know he's going to be great. He also finds the piddling $5 million prize to be a bit insulting. Delusional doesn't begin to describe this guy. He promptly annoys all of us by taking way too much time on stage and choosing to sing "I'll Be."

Simon actually likes him and calls him "lippy" and "gobby," and chalks the bad audition up to nerves. Paula tells him "stop pretending to cry," and Nicole tells him to "drop the attitude." L.A. gives a no and Nicole also gives a no, which means he's done. Thank God.

And we're done with the second chunk of auditions. Thank God for that as well. Just for fun, we get to watch Xander pretend to cry some more.