'The X Factor' Season 1, Episode 1 Recap - 'Auditions #1'

"The X Factor" begins with a massive intro, featuring clips of the judges walking out of various vehicles, people crying and screaming in hallways, and a teaser of Simon Cowell getting really angry about...something. Not sure what we just saw, but I think the message is pretty clear: "THIS IS A BIG SHOW! BIG! HUUUUUUGE!"

Steve Jones must have gotten stranded in the desert, as he seems to have hitched a ride on "The X Factor" semi truck. Regardless, he's here to introduce us to our judges: if you watched "American Idol," you'll be familiar with Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul, who make up half the panel.

They'll be joined by music executive L.A. Reid and former Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger. They'll also be joined very briefly by Cheryl Cole, a British pop star who was mysteriously fired sometime during this process. That should be entertaining.

"I can't wait to see all of the amazing talent," says Paula. Yeah, me neither. In fact, can we skip the rest of this intro?

Nope, we have to learn the rules first. Eventually the contestants will be split into four groups: Boys, Girls, Over 30s, and Groups. The judges will then mentor one of the categories each and will narrow the talent pool down to a group of finalists. For these preliminary auditions, the contestants will need three votes from the panel of four. Sorry, I feel like that should be capitalized. The Panel of Four.

Rachel Crow, 13 years old, is the first lamb to the slaughter. It's a ridiculously oversized stage for the poor kid, but her enthusiasm is winning over the judges. And she's here to use the $5 million prize to help out her family...you can already hear the hearts of the judges melting.

Rachel sings "Mercy" by Duffy...and despite it being one of the more overplayed songs of the last five years, people are pretty enthusiastic about it. She has a seriously powerful voice for a kid, and though she's a little technically unsound, Paula says that what Rachel did is "exactly what we need people to do on this stage." Cheryl says "you had me before you even sang." Both Reid and Simon loved it as well, and Rachel gets a "yes" across the board.

The music cues and slow-motion walking down the hallway is already working to get us to cry. But damn you, X Factor, I will not let you manipulate me like th--excuse a second, I...have something in my eye...

Cut to Terrell Carter, then cut to the faces of the women in the audience. This is why "The Voice" has blind auditions, folks. Still, Terrell sings well and gets four yeses. Right after him we have Ilana, 14, who is the next child prodigy to get four yeses. And John Lindahl, 14, comes out and does his best Justin Bieber while singing Cee Lo's "F*** You," and quickly earns four yeses as well.

Up next is Siamese, who is eccentric to say the least. Actually, delusional might be the proper word. You can't fault him for his energy, as he dances around the stage like crazy. You can, however, fault him for his mesh shirt. Both Paula and Simon say it's unoriginal, and Simon calls his act a "copycat." Reid gives a no, and Sheryl and Paula each give a yes. That leaves it up to Simon, who calls him "deluded" (I knew that was the proper word) but still gives him a yes. Should be fun to watch that guy get eliminated next week.

Dan and Benita, a 70-year-old and 83-year-old couple from Pahrump, Nevada who met at the gun club, start off the second day. The two choose to sing "Unchained Melody," which I hear tell is one of Cowell's least favorite audition songs. The two stumble through it in a way that you would expect two septi/octogenerians from Pahrump to stumble. They get all nos, and Dan asks "we didn't make it?"

You Only Live Once, a duo of teenagers come up and do...something. Not sure if it was singing or a dying cat. They're followed by two more tone-deaf screamers, and the strategy of this show becomes clear to me. They actually want us to be happy that they're going to commercial, so that we'll be relieved to see the Pepsi logo.

Simone Battle, 21, is up next, and she calls herself "fierce." So she's dressed like Rihanna and thinks she's Beyonce. As Simon says, "annoying." But the girl can sing...at least I think she can. She chooses a Pussycat Dolls song, which has about two or three notes in it. So Simon has her do something a capella that actually has a melody to it. Reid is unconvinced, and still gives her a no despite Simon's attempts to sway him. Still, she gets three yeses.

That leads us to a montage of L.A. and Simon disagreeing with each other, concluding with the two of them taking loud slurps from their cups of Pepsi. Is the Pepsi placement even more shameless than "American Idol"s' Coke placement? I think so.

We're getting some background piano music and a tearjerker story from single mother Stacy, age 42, so it's safe to assume that she'll make it. "I don't want to die with this music inside me," she says. I think you can get an operation for that.

Anyway, she sings "Natural Woman" predictably well. She'll need some cleaning up in terms of technique, but she wows the judges enough to give her a standing ovation. She easily gets four yeses, and Simon calls her performance "one of the best auditions I've seen in my life."

In the second hour (oh god, it's only half over?), we've moved from Los Angeles to Seattle, and we've moved from Cheryl Cole to Nicole Scherzinger.

Gio and his ridiculous outfit are up first. The man claims to be classically trained and sings a song he wrote himself...and drops his pants. Paula leaves the table and is actually looking like might throw up. Seriously, there has to be something illegal in what that guy just did.

Marcus, a 20-year old who wants to be a record producer, is up to try to cleanse the musical palate in the room. Then we get a "10 minutes later" and cut to Marcus, lying on the floor and clutching his stomach. We're learning something about the "X Factor" editors here: they lack taste, but they're definitely a creative bunch.

Marcus sings "I Wish" by Stevie Wonder and gives a very charismatic performance that has Nicole and Paula dancing. Everybody seems to love it except for Marcus' father, who looks like he's living in a nightmare. So, that big tease was just the overwhelming shock that Marcus feels when the audience gives him a standing ovation. Aw, I was kinda hoping for cardiac arrest.

L.A. compares him to Bobby Brown, and Simon gives him props for giving the song the performance it deserves and calls him "one to watch." Marcus gets a yes from all four judges and manages not to fall on the floor this time. Marcus' dad still looks less than enthused.

Up next is a boy band called The Answer from Salt Lake City. They immediately try to ingratiate themselves to the judges by singing a little happy birthday to Nicole, then they undo any points they just earned by singing "Rolling in the Deep." Don't worry guys, we haven't heard that song a billion times or anything. Fortunately for them, they seem pretty strong...though the douchey guy in the knit cap is a little pitchy. They get a yes from all four judges, along with plenty of praise.

Nici, a 23-year-old Event Planner from Maryland, screeches her way through some song or another in order to remind us that this show is annoyingly committed to showing us terrible contestants. "It's like I'm living in some kind of nightmare," says Simon in the middle of a terrible music montage. Yeah, and whose fault is that, buddy?

Chris Rene, who somehow looks like a mix between Eminem and Kid Rock, is the last one up for the night. Chris is a garbage collector who just got out of rehab, and he tells us how he started smoking weed at 13 and eventually moved on to meth. I guess it is a gateway drug, eh?

Chris is going to sing an original song called "Young Homie," and everyone is appropriately wary...but it turns out to actually not be half bad. L.A. does some kind of Jabba the Hutt face and shakes his head around, which I think means he enjoys it. Chris gets four yeses to wrap up the evening, and L.A. calls him "the truth."

There are some nice moments on this show, but they're inevitably destroyed by slo-mo and overly dramatic music. So, Chris is on, but the judges make a deal that he has to stay clean. Boy, is it going to suck if this guy falls off the wagon because of this show.

That wraps up the first two cities of the auditions. Anybody else excited for all the crap to go away so we can just see good performances? Yeah, me too.