'The X Factor' Finale Find Out Who Won the $5 Million Prize! Recap

DRAMA. VOICE OVERS. SLOW MOTION CLIPS. When a show has put all the gravitas it can into every single episode, no matter the stakes of that week, then it really has to kick into histrionic overdrive for the finale. Even the announcer gives a dramatic, sentimental "It's time to face the music."

Steve Jones is wearing a bow tie. That's how you know it's a special night, folks. But if that didn't give you any indication, the giant 30-foot-tall letters on the screens that say "FINALE" are also a subtle hint.

The mentors come out, and the ladies have dressed in fancy gowns. Simon Cowell still refuses to button his top button.

All of our "favorite finalists" are back to sing "Edge of Glory." Although I'm pretty sure they're not my favorites, because it starts with InTENsity. Boy, was that a terrible idea. Things are a bit of a mess, but then Rachel, Marcus and Drew show up (Drew is a brunette now, and looking much more polished than usual), and remind us that any one of them could be in this final three. Turns out that yes, Drew can still sing in an upbeat song. Was that so hard, Simon?

The final three come out and everyone except Chris looks bored. It's always hilarious to watch Josh have to sing this crappy pop songs. Then they cut to the audience, and the cast of "New Girl" is there, trying their hardest to pretend they don't hate every minute of this.

Steve asks Simon what he's doing for the holidays, and Simon responds that he's going to "play with penguins at the North Pole." Steve practically giggles and says "that's so cute!" I really hope this guy doesn't get fired. He's the best, most awkward part of this show.

Melanie comes out to do "All I Want for Christmas Is You," because she apparently hasn't done enough Mariah Carey yet. I'm bored. More Drew! We go to the judges, because apparently we still care about what they have to say at this point, and Nicole tells Melanie she's a "princess warrior" or something. Then we go to Sunrise, Florida and get comments from Melanie's friends and family, which of course make Melanie cry like 50 times. They went to the British Virgin Islands and found her grandmother, and Melanie nearly falls over. It is actually kinda cute. I... I need a minute...

Back from break, we get a "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" serenade from Chris Rene. He's out of his element, clearly, and the dancers who are just sitting on benches and canoodling aren't making things less awkward. Still, it's kinda nice and people seem to like it. Maybe I'm just in the holiday spirit.

Now it's Cry on National TV time for Chris, as we go to Santa Cruz to get comments from his friends and family. Chris starts tearing up almost as quickly as Melanie, but he's a lot less sobby... at least until his son comes up. He points at the screen a lot. Gina, Chris' sister who was also in the competition, finally shows up in one of these things. Considering she was on the show, she's been pretty absent. Chris' baby mama even shows up and says some nice words. And she's cute, too. Well done Chris!

Back from break, Steve and Nicole have their awkward interaction. Is this the famous chemistry that had these two set to host together? Breathtaking.

That leads us into Josh's Christmas performance, which is Charles Brown's "Please Come Home For Christmas." It's right in Josh's wheelhouse, so of course it's pretty good. Somebody should free that poor girl from that snow globe, though. At one point she kicks up some snow and it hits her square in the face.

Then we're off to Wooster, Ohio, and queueing up the piano music from "Love Actually." Josh's choir teacher has an awesome mustache. The whole thing is far less moving than the other two clip packages, and Josh's girlfriend seems less than enthused about everything. Josh finally tears up at the end, and has a cute moment when he wipes the tears and says "what is this?"

We're almost to the first results, but first, Justin Bieber takes the stage to sing "The Christmas Song" with Stevie Wonder. Bieber's haircut, earrings, jacket, driving gloves, and general appearance is ridiculous, but I'll admit the kid can sing. Stevie is great of course, and he wails on a harmonica, which is fun. Then we break into a big "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" number and Stevie retreats behind the screen in his sliding keyboard platform, like a Bond villain. Then, breakdancing!

Then, thank God, Drew gets to come out and sing and dance with Justin, and she nearly faints I think. Then afterwards, Justin calls Drew "a very special girl" and Steve Jones brings up her dream of "standing on a beach and holding hands" with Justin, as if he were Drew's dad who likes to embarass her at social functions.

Carmina Burana one more time, as we bring out the finalists to find out who placed third. Josh looks frozen Chris whispers something to LA, and Melanie is adjusting her earrings. After a long pause, it turns out that the third place finisher is... Chris Rene! That's definitely the right choice, though I'm a bit surprised. It seemed like his charisma and backstory made him untouchable. And honestly, it's probably good that we don't give $5 million to a guy who's less than a year sober. He'll still have opportunities with record labels after this, but having to work for it instead of getting a windfall should be good for him.

And now, for a lack on anything better to do, we get some attitude moments that include Xander Alexander, Astro's breakdown, Dylan's ridiculous audition, Chad embarassing his family, and Rachel going home. We come back and there's Rachel, sunny as ever, and she says she wants to steal Steve's job. Actually, she might be really good. Rachel reads the teleprompter to introduce Leona Lewis, and actually does a pretty good job of it.

So Leona Lewis sings "Run" by Snow Patrol, which is a gorgeous song sung by a great singer... except that she performs it in front of giant screens that play clips of eliminated contestants as if this were the "In Memoriam" segment at the Oscars. Whose idea was this? Also, doesn't Leona Lewis have her own songs to sing?

More clips, as we get a recap of the many insults hurled between LA and Simon, which honestly was one of the more entertaining aspects of the show. Then Derek Fisher of the Lakers is here to introduce 50 Cent, oddly enough... sounds like they teamed up for a charity or something.

Fiddy performs his song, which apparently has not been changed for content... half of the first verse is bleeped out. Why did you invite the guy if you can't air any of his lyrics? Also, I'm pretty sure nothing he could say could be more sexual than the dancing that's happening right now. Merry Christmas everyone!

Then, Astro comes out to join 50 Cent, but doesn't get his own verse... disappointing. Rather, he just raps along with Fiddy. Meh.

Steve tells us that we'll find out the winner in "a few more minutes." But I know he's a liar because there's still a half hour left. What will they fill it with? Oh, this clip package of Nicole and Paula crying over and over again. There's so much sniffling that I feel like throwing up a bit.

Ne-Yo and Pitbull are here to remind us that Pitbull is the most talentless jackass currently in the music business. Whose idea was this? Seriously. "I don't play baseball but I hit home runs everywhere." That's a lyric of his. We must band together and make this stop. We have to.

Anyway, the whole debacle is played out so that Marcus Canty could come on stage and join them. Kid deserves better than that.

Following that, Melanie and Josh come out to sing "Heroes" together. I wonder if Josh and Melanie also prepared duets with Chris Rene in the event he made it through? Would they have sung the same song? What if it had been Josh and Chris? That would have been weird. As it is, these two do a nice job, even though the song was clearly kind of an afterthought.

FINALLY it's time. We get to find out who gets to be in the Pepsi commerical! I'm so excited I could just drink a nice, cold, refreshing Pepsi! Josh is already smiling. Melanie looks uneasy.

And the winner is... Melanie! Not a huge surprise. In fact, it seemed pretty clear from the intial audition that this girl was going to go all the way. That, friends, is why they went through that bull with fake-eliminating Melanie from the competition: otherwise, it would have been too obvious.

It's mayhem up there as Melanie's family rushes the stage and hugs her. Steve can't get a word from her, so instead Melanie performs "Listen" one more time. Here's how good she is: she's practically sobbing, and she still hits most of the notes. All of the other finalists come out toward the end, and she starts sobbing even more. This. Was. A. Terrible. Idea.

Finally, at the end of the song, Steve gets her to say a few words, which are mostly "thank you" and "God is good." Congratulations, Steve: you finally got a sobbing contestant to say something. You have officially earned your certification as a grief counselor.

So she's maybe not the most interesting or charismatic contestant. She doesn't have the charm of Chris or Rachel, the interesting vocal qualities of Josh or Drew, or the dance moves of Marcus. But the girl can sing, and she'll make a great diva in the vein of Mariah, Celine or Whitney, which means she should be pretty marketable for these guys... and that's all Simon Cowell really wanted for Christmas.

Winner: Melanie Amaro