'True Blood' Season 5, Episode 5 Recap - 'Let's Boot and Rally'

We all just saw that episode, right? That really happened? What with the severed head of Jesus with his mouth sewn shut and the mystical Arabic fire spirit? Just wanted to make sure we all saw the same thing, because this show is so nuts I'm not even sure anymore. I'm just going to try to roll with it.

There's a general rule in screenwriting that you don't want to incorporate more than one "miracle" into a story. In other words, throw too many supernatural elements at your viewers and it will overload them, and they'll be less willing to maintain their suspension of disbelief.

In other words: vampires are all good. Add in shapeshifters, we can probably still manage. Werewolves are close to shifters, so maybe we can deal with that. Fairies? You're starting to lose me. Witches and demons? Slow down, "True Blood." And now an Ifrit? Forget it, man. You lost me.

I think this tweet pretty much sums it up:

Next season on True Blood: Santa, Bloody Mary, Miss Mary Mack, Talky Tina, the Roanoke colony, Gort, tasty fat free cheese, the Cancer Man.

— Kathy Cacace (@kathycacace) July 9, 2012

Anyway, here are the events by character:

Jason/Andy:

Last week's cliffhanger had Jason and Andy getting fried by fairies, but it looks like they're (mostly) okay: they both wake up in their homes, stark naked. You may now add a point to the "Jason's bare butt" column, but thankfully you don't need to add another to the "Andy's bare butt" column.

Jason is having some strange dreams and visions, though, as he wakes from a dream that put him back in his childhood, with his "Masters of the Universe" pajamas and all. The dream turns to nightmare pretty quickly, though, as he sees vampire bites on his parents' necks.

That vision returns again when he and Andy investigate the death of Suzanne and Emory, which poor Sam is still in a bit of shock about.

Sam:

Speaking of Sam, can this guy just catch a break? After he is questioned by Andy and Jason about the shooting, he goes to check on Luna. They at least manage to reconcile before Sam walks out of the house and is promptly shot in the gut by a gang of guys screaming anti-shifter epithets at him. Luna comes running out (poor choice) and gets a bullet as well, quite possibly killing her. Luckily Emma is bright enough to turn wolf before she gets a bullet as well.

Side note: were those guys wearing Obama masks? Is that the new thing? No more Nixon?

Lafayette:

Lafayette doesn't do much this week, but he does stomp all of his Virgin Mary figurines to bits for mocking him. He is then visited by the severed head of Jesus, whose mouth is sewn shut. Luckily Lafayette's mother seems to understand what Jesus is saying.

Terry/Patrick:

Things take a turn for the even weirder as Terry and Patrick talk to Heller about the fires. He claims that one of the Iraqi civilians that they killed cursed them with the spirit of the Ifrit, to which Patrick is incredulous but Terry agrees. Also, every time Terry says "Ifrit" he has to go "the... Ifrit."

So, the Ifrit is a spirit from Arabic/Muslim culture that is made of fire and is usually pretty nasty. What it's doing on this show I couldn't tell you, but hey, at this point why not? Just about every other supernatural being is on this show. Next we'll be seeing wizards, leprechauns and the goddamn tooth fairy.

Anyway, the Ifrit is for real, as it attacks Heller and melts him alive. Hopefully that turns Patrick around on the whole thing, as he maintains the curse isn't real.

Tara/Jessica:

Tara is now a bartender at Fangtasia it seems, mostly because Pam is making her do it. She's still adjusting to the whole vampire thing, and attacks one of the customers, prompting some rage from Pam.

Lucky for Tara, Jessica comes in and the two do a little bonding. This is actually a really nice scene, and a testament to how good this show can be when it slows down enough to let its characters actually react to things and feel emotions and stuff.

The two bond over the feeling of being a baby vamp, and the impulse to pretty much eat everyone alive. Jessica thinks it's actually pretty great, and tells Tara to just wait until she tries feeding during sex.

Tara doesn't wait too long for that, as she runs into Hoyt in the alley outside the club. Hoyt is still doing his fangbanger thing, and still looks ridiculous in his outfits, but Tara takes him into a bathroom stall anyway. When Jessica hears Hoyt's voice, though, she flips out and the girls have a little vampire rumble in the ladies room. Aw, and they were getting along so well...

Sookie/Alcide/Bill/Eric:

Sookie and Alcide's long-awaited hookup (Alcide actually says "I've waited so long for this") is interrupted by Sookie's schnapps-induced vomiting and, immediately after, Bill and Eric. So much for that, Alcide fans. At least you got a bit of quality shirtlessness in.

Bill and Eric explain the Russell situation to Sookie, who is surprisingly cool with it. In fact, she's the first to grab her coat and walk out the door, with a battle cry of "boot and rally!" Then again, she's probably still pretty drunk.

The gang gets Alcide's buddy Doug, who was glamoured into moving Russell, so that Sookie can read his mind. That reveals that a female vampire wearing an Authority necklace was the one who exhumed the body... could it have been Norah? Bill thinks so, but Eric remains faithful to his sister/lover. Still creepy.

Doug leads the gang through an abandoned morgue that--I shit you not--gets an ominous bolt of lightning behind it as they roll up. The whole thing screams Scooby-Doo. But the search has to happen now, as Roman and Salome have put a time limit on the search: Bill and Eric have to find Russell by dawn, or else those "iStakes" (still hate that joke) will activate and they'll go kersplat.

A search of the morgue reveals some dead bodies and some still living ones, plus the body of Russell. They guy looks more or less recuperated but still very weak... that is, until Eric threatens him with a stake and Russell snaps to. But it seems that another figure appeared behind Sookie... who or what could that be? The vampire who freed him, perhaps?

Notes & Quotes:

- "Looked it up. Fuckin' Googled it."

- "I fucked a fairy?"

- "Anything hinky?"

- Part of Jessica's speech is literally "it gets better." Is the gay allegory going too far?

- "BF Goodrich. Radials." Hey, Andy's actually a pretty good detective!