'True Blood' Season 5, Episode 12 Recap - Save Yourself

Well, that was a whole lot of weirdness.

The season finale made it, folks, and if you are like me you tuned in happily and with great joy and excitement to see some endings tied up neatly, and maybe some fun surprises along the way.

Well. At least we got a few surprises.

We left off with the untimely and totally anti-climactic demise of the elder fairy. Now, with Russell charging right at them, the scared fairy bunch has nothing to do but blast them with light. Unfortunately, all it seems to do is turn the crazy vampire on a little bit more.

That is, until out of nowhere, Eric swoops in, and savoringly stakes the elder vampire with a satisfied, “That felt even better than I thought it would.”

So, no more Russell. Not much of a fight in that department, but it’s good to see Eric coming to the rescue, and protecting Sookie from his sister/lover (ew!), Nora, who wants to bite into Sookie like she’s a newly baked cupcake.

On the Jason front, he seems to be all right after hitting the heck out of a tree with his entire body, but sees his mother rather than his sister bending over him in concern.

Back at the lairs of the Authority, we continue with Sam, who has volunteered himself as Bill’s meal. Bill is furious to see Sam, who pleads for Emma, but, shockingly enough, psycho Bill is lacking in sympathy and figures he’ll just kill him. Sam turns into a fly and escapes through the ventilation system while Bill berates the guards for allowing the breach.

Back at Sookie’s home, she is seriously concerned about Jason, who’s a little on the loopy side. Eric, Tara, and Nora all bust in, in typical vampire fashion (no note about how Nora made it in without an invitation, unless it has something to do with Eric owning the house?). Eric essentially, in his sexy Northman way, demands that Sookie assist him with rescuing Jessica and Pam, and trying to talk some sense into the now completely psychotic Bill, who, he explains, was behind the Tru Blood factory bombings.

Sookie readily agrees, because she’s Sookie, but Jason has a bout of serious vampire hatred, egged on by the hallucinations? Apparitions? of his dead mother and father, who sit next to Sookie on the couch and spout off about the evilness of vampires.

Bill, meanwhile, confesses to Salome that he has killed Chancellor Kibwe because he was going to drink the blood of Lilith, and only he can drink it, as he was the one chosen. Salome looks a little nervous, seeing how, you know, she was all about to do that, but Bill tells her he has sworn to Lilith to protect and serve her, as the Prophet.

We get a little bit more of Alcide in this episode as well, though his storyline seems destined to remain stagnant. A panicked Martha brings Alcide and his father a totally cracked-out Rikki, who has overdosed on the force-fed V that the pack is being given. Alcide tries to dry her out and get some information on what’s been happening—apparently JD has not only been enforcing V on his pack, but taking some serious advantage of the young girls. Alcide has had enough. His father suggests taking some of the “good” V he has set aside, which would make him stronger than JD since the blood the pack has been drinking is clearly inferior. Apparently he’s a connoisseur, now.

To wrap that up, because it’s little more to the entirety of the episode than a few cut aways, Alcide goes to where JD is draining a vamp, and with very little effort, beats the crap out of him, breaks his neck, and takes over the pack. The end.

Andy, meanwhile, is faced with the unfortunate task of telling Holly, the woman/witch he loves, that he’s knocked up Maurella. Pretty heavily. After draining a container of salt in kind of a funny moment, Maurella’s “light breaks,” (oy, bad writing there) and she goes into labor.

Luckily for fairies, labor is apparently more like an amazing romp in the sack, which makes for some entertainment for Lafayette, Arlene, and drunk Jane Bodehouse, who watch and sip some really fine-looking margaritas while Andy and Holly try to deliver the babies from the screaming (and not in the bad way) fairy.

Congratulations, Andy, you’re a father. To four very large half-fairy girls.

Maurella essentially thanks him for the good time, pats him on the shoulder, and takes off, reminding him that it’s his duty as sire to “see that at least half survive to adulthood.”

Holly, unsurprisingly, is not pleased.

Back at the Crazy Headquarters, Steve Newlin rushes into the prison to nervously to cuddle with his puppy-kins, and it doesn’t take very long to figure out that Luna has managed to shift into the Reverend. She/he tries to hustle it out of there, but hesitates at the elevator, unsure of how to use the security button, and distracted by the chatty Chelsea, who’s a little confused by Steve’s sudden change of accent but apparently not briefed in security issues enough to be legitimately alarmed.

Chancellor Rosalyn Harris sweeps in, luckily (kind of), in a fury because the footage of Russell and Steve demolishing an entire frat house has swept the nation. She drags Luna/Steve into the elevator, and sets him/her up for a damage control press announcement.

Luna, however, panics, and gets sick on screen. She blows her cookies and transforms back into herself, yelling briefly to the camera and revealing the plot of the vampires before Rosalyn interferes. Sam, as a fly, darts into the Chancellor’s mouth and shift back into himself, blowing the vampire up in a gross and probably unintentionally funny moment.

Finally, back to our heroic team, Eric and Nora are at the gate. They are halted, but receive clearance when Bill checks them on the surveillance. What he failed to notice until the truck moves forward is the big help-me, I-love-you eyes of Sookie, tied up in the back of the truck with Tara and Jason.

Once inside, the team shuts down the security cameras, weapon themselves up, and Jason goes into extreme vampire hunting mode. They secure the lobby and kill a bunch of guards, because we haven’t had enough spurting blood to fill the quota this season.

Sookie and Tara find Pam and Jessica in their cells, and, after Nora and Eric work the electronics, get them unlocked. Sookie assists Jessica with her silver cell door, but Tara can’t wait for her assistance for Pam’s cell. She rips the door open, burning her hands, and she and Pam share a surprisingly romantic and passionate kiss that kind of blurs the mother/daughter line of a maker and her baby vamp, but is actually a really genuine moment so I’ll let it slide.

Now, back to Salome and Bill, our favoritest murderous couple. Salome has the vial of blood in the room when Bill enters, and, to be diplomatic, at least she apologizes, saying that Lilith has chosen her, not Bill, because she is stronger. Bill acquiesces nicely.

That’s probably because he stole Lilith’s blood, and laced the other vial with silver. Salome doesn’t notice this, of course, because Salome doesn’t really notice anything but Salome, which Bill reminds her as she’s writhing on the floor in agony. Thankfully, he stakes her pretty quickly, and puts her out of her misery. She even pays him a little compliment on the way out, telling him that Lilith chose wisely. Nice of her.

Released, Jessica and Pam and the others rejoin the group. Jessica runs up to Jason and confesses that she loves him, but Jason shoots her down coldly, leaving her a little more confused than she already is. Everyone loads in the elevator but Sookie and Eric, who go off to seek and reason with (yeah right) the totally insane Bill.

They catch him before he drinks Lilith’s blood, and Sookie appeals to him, his generosity, his sympathy that make him unique among vampires, and the glorious love the two once shared.

But Bill has had enough of feeling guilty for what he is. He blows off Sookie, which everyone should have seen coming, and downs the vial of Lilith’s blood.

“I told you the first night we met, vampires often turn on those they love the most,” he tells her.

After a moment, he’s got blood from pretty much every orifice they can show on television, and poof, he explodes into a big puddle.

Distraught, Sookie rushes to Eric to be comforted, and they miss the puddle collecting itself into a form. Bill emerges, all naked and red in a Lilith-like fashion, and bares some newly huge fangs to the two. Eric yells for Sookie to run, and the two take off.

The end.

Huh?

Maybe the bonus clip will give us some more answers?

We’re back in the elevator, and the team hustles out in the basement, killing a few vampires as they go. Jason, in serious killing mode, mutters to himself about finding and killing Warlow, to which Nora, surprised, asks, “What do you know about Warlow?”

Oh-ho, interesting! Maybe we’ll find some of the answers we were hoping for next season.

Or maybe they’ll just keep dragging it along. Who’s to say? Either way, it looks like some conclusions to our very many strange and detached storylines are a long ways away.

My Favorite Quotes of the Evening

“If I wanna be a fool than I will be a fool—that is my God-given right as an American.”

“I tried reasoning but apparently he has lost his mother-fucking mind!”

“I can totally believe it about Bill. He’s always looking for something to feel guilty about.”

“Must all roads lead to fucking Sookie?”

“This is not a movement, Bill. This is the fucking Rapture.”