'True Blood' Season 5, Episode 1 Recap - 'Turn! Turn! Turn!'

The tagline going into this season was "Everything Is At Stake." Puns aside, it's pretty accurate: just about everybody seems to be in serious trouble in the season 5 premiere. Then again, when aren't they? Bon Temps attracts trouble like Sookie attracts men with six-pack abs.

Speaking of which, the episode starts out with a little recap of Sookie's run-in with Debbie. It turns out that Bill had a good idea that was happening, but his Nan cleanup with Eric left him somewhat indisposed. So, Sookie had to blast Debbie' head off and deal with a badly bleeding Tara without any vampire assistance.

That is, she did until Pam showed up, callously asking where Eric was while Sookie was cradling a dying (or already dead, probably) Tara. Sookie and Lafayette have a request, though: for Pam to turn Tara. Considering Tara's hate for vampires, she probably wouldn't like that much, but her options are pretty limited at this point.

Pam agrees, on the condition that Sookie "owes her one." We can all worry about what that means later... for now, we can all just revel in the fact that Pam laid in a grave with Tara in a Wal-Mart sweat suit. Clearly, this season is going to be nuts.

Did it work? We'll get to that later.

Sam had his own trouble with corpses this week, as Marcus' pack caught up to him demanding to know Marcus' whereabouts. Sam plays dumb until the pack threatens Luna and her daughter, at which Sam fesses up. After some torture and a bit of convincing from Marcus' mother, a rather tough-looking werewolf named Martha, Sam agrees to lead the pack to where Marcus is buried.

It looks as though Sam's about to bite the bullet (or bite the bite, I guess) when Alcide shows up with Luna, announcing that he was the one who killed Marcus. Parts of the pack bow to him as the new leader, but Martha doesn't want any of that. Alcide is really branching out in his personal protection business. What's that? He doesn't get paid for it? Well he should, he's rescuing everyone's ass these days.

Terry's buddy Patrick seems nice enough, but when Arlene and the kids mention that their last house burned down, Patrick gets very quiet. As it turns out, all the other members of their squad all had similar incidents, and their houses are burned down too. Patrick sets off to find the last member of the squad, but we probably haven't seen the last of him.

The romantic entanglements of Jason continue, but not exactly how you might expect. We saw Reverend Steve Newlin show up at Jason's door, fangs bared, at the end of last season, but it's not really Jason's blood he wants. Well, it is, but he wants more than that, too.

You see, the Rev is gay, and has been in love with Jason the whole time. He's also now a vampire (and yes, he does know how to glamour), so Jason seems to be in a bit of trouble. He's saved at the last moment by Jessica who, in a Bill-esque moment, bursts in a declares "Jason is mine," before booting Steve out the door.

Side note: DAMN, Jessica! More outfits like that, please. I suppose I should balance that with a comment for the ladies: quit covering Jason with a blanket, "True Blood!" There. Everyone happy?

Jason is brought back down to earth a bit by two more incidents: he runs into Hoyt, who is clearly not in a forgiving mood (the term "girlfriend fucker" is tossed around quite a lot), and then he shows up to a college party at Jessica's, only to find that she's seducing frat boys. The surprising part is that Jason turns down the sorority girl he picks up. Is Jason really turning a new leaf? And is he that in love with Jessica? Because that would be problematic.

Another side note: has anything on this show been more awkward than Jessica and Jason playing Rock Band with a bunch of college kids?

I may be able to answer my own question: there is the matter of Eric and his "sister" having sex in a shipping crate. Eric and Bill are promptly captured by the Vampire Authority after making Nan go splat all over Bill's office, but make a daring escape by blowing up the car. As it turns out, they were being transported by Norah, who proceeds to make out with Eric. They're progeny of the same master, so they call each other brother and sister, which makes it all a bit incestual and weird. But, hey... it's "True Blood." We've seen some weird shit.

As it turns out, there are multiple factions within the Authority, and Norah has enough people on her side to get Bill and Eric some new names (Marcellus Clark and Ike Applebaum, respectively... and you have to love how Eric read his as if drinking a spoonful of vinegar) and safe passage out of Louisiana. Unfortunately, the rest of the Authority is on to the escape, and Bill and Eric are captured. Again.

Those aren't the only vampire worries we have, either. Alcide shows up to Sookie's place to warn her about Russell, and asks her to come back with him. She's just about to spill the beans about shooting Debbie when Lafayette bursts in and shoos Alcide away. Sookie is clearly not very good at this whole covering up a murder thing.

A third side note: she really could have gone with self-defense. Who cares if it wasn't actually? The law is pretty squarely on Sookie's side here, and I'm not sure about self-defense laws in Louisiana, but if Florida is any indication, they're probably pretty kind to those who are on their own property.

Anyway, night finally falls and Sookie goes to unearth Tara, who is still and quiet at first. But just when we're all sure she's dead, she jumps up, quite clearly a vampire, and attacks Sookie.

Is Tara pissed about being turned? You'd have to think she would be, but is she really going to take it out on Sookie? Does she even remember anything about her life, considering that her brain was pretty much half-missing? Or does Sookie just smell good?

Notes & Quotes:

- "Super snatch." Ha.

- "I am wearing a Wal-Mart sweat suit for y'all."

- "I'm a gay vampire American!"

- "Sorry." "Don't be, it was badass."

- "I know I should, where's my pants?!"

- "But we were rockin' so harrrrrrd!"