The Top 5 Date Movies He Will Probably Hate
by Shannon KeirnanWith Valentine’s Day approaching, couples everywhere are debating which movie to sit home and munch chocolate to on their romantic night in.
Yes, it’s lady’s choice on this “we automatically win” holiday, but it’s not a privilege to be abused or treated lightly. Sure, you may have your favorites, but certain movies that make you smile and sigh may strike them as pure masculinity poison.
Yidio has compiled 5 of those flicks that rated tops in making men consider faking a phone call emergency and booking for the door like the room is on fire.
Of course “The Notebook” has to be on this list. We love this movie. We saw this three times in the theaters and we, as an audience, sobbed together without shame every time. We lent our neighbor a tissue. We hugged the concession stand girl on the way out.
“The Notebook” gives us rich fantasies of Ryan Gosling declaring his undying love for us in the pouring rain, reading us poetry, and building us a freaking dream home.
And heck, throw in some James Marsden to stare at and this can’t get any better. Bonus—women love Rachel McAdams. We want to be her, we want to laugh like her, and we want to wear those fabulous vintage shoes.
Meanwhile, our boyfriends are busy trying not to groan. If she’s a bird, he’s a bird? What does that even mean?
Great. That new towel rod you bought and installed for her last weekend suddenly looks dim in comparison to the mad feats a gorgeous man is doing to win the love of his life. Should you take up carpentry? Should you grow a beard?
She’s laughing, she’s crying… she’s looking at you like you’re just not. Quite. Good. Enough. How many love letters did you write her this year? You can’t even type out “y-o-u” when you text her anymore.
Pride and Prejudice (and every other Jane Austen movie in existence)
Nothing beats a beautiful, timeless love story that crosses class lines and societal expectations. What girl doesn’t dream of being dragged out of a struggling financial situation by a beautiful man that loves her for who she really is. She’s outspoken! She’s witty! She’s not impressed by his lofty wealth. Lots and lots of wealth.
Yet, the ultimate bad boy breaks down his solid walls, defies those who would guide his life, and betters himself to win the heart of the woman who isn’t afraid to take a long walk and read a book.
So what is he thinking the whole time you swoon and sigh?
What? Wait, what did he just say? Who is that person? Where is the sword fighting? Shouldn’t someone be dueling, here? Are they seriously dancing again? Why is he just staring at her? Grow a pair, Darcy.
And why aren’t there zombies?
No one puts Baby in a corner, right? “Dirty Dancing” covers it all: the whippy underdog girl who fights with her intellect and wholesome ideals in a world that values beauty, yet draws the attention of the hottest guy in the Catskills… but he’s more than just a pretty face, and he appreciates her for who she is.
All that we need is a transformation—oh wait, Baby learns to dance like a pro with the sexy, loving guidance of Johnny, who ain’t afraid to tell everyone, even her disapproving daddy, that she’s his girl.
We may be singing along to “Hungry Eyes” and day dreaming about taking samba lessons, but he’s rolling his eyes at another musical interlude. Is she going to start expecting you to wear black tank tops and do the rumba every night? When is the homely girl going to learn to dance already and put an end to the misery?
Sure, there’s some sex, but it’s so disguised with sultry dance moves and sappy music you lost interest… and you just know she’s going to expect you to want to stare into her eyes for the rest of the evening, and make every touch, you know, meaningful.
You don’t have any social obstacles to overcome to be with her. You two met in line at Starbucks.
Ah, the classic dilemma—a beautiful young woman must choose which man she loves. On the side of good stands title-packing Raoul: he’s known her since they were children, he wants to save her from her dark path, and hey, he wants to sweep her away from the dusty theater life and keep her safe and happy in his big ol’ mansion.
On the side of evil, half-handsome Gerard Butler broods and rants in flattering obsession, determined to make Christine a star, and to possess her utterly. Utterly. Shivers. Don't think too hard about it and it's crazy romantic.
Unfortunately, it’s an opera. That means they sing everything. Yeah, everything.
And he's wondering what's so great about this chick anyway? Why can’t she just quit crying and just make up her mind?
Okay, okay, there’s some cleavage, there’s some sword fighting… but any chance of climactic action keeps getting ruined when everyone stops to sing at each other.
And seriously, his face isn’t even that gross. You just watched an hour and a half of people singing, and you deserve something truly cringe-worthy. Maybe with more puss and gore. It's not that bad. You’re pretty sure your girlfriend still wants to sleep with him. Meanwhile, you get a zit and she wants to put you in quarantine.
Bridget Jones' Diary
She’s klutzy, she’s quirky, she drinks too much and blurts out every bad sort of verbal diarrhea—with a fun accent! She overeats, swears, and sleeps with the wrong man… She’s just like us!
Yet even tragic Bridget can catch the eye of cool, successful handsome Mark, who loves her just the way she is. Maybe he won’t notice that it’s just “Pride and Prejudice” for the modern day…
But next to you, your man is thinking, wait, didn’t I just see that guy on the front of the DVD I told her I absolutely would not watch?
She’s drinking, she’s crying, she’s eating… and drinking some more.
Nothing can be more painful to watch than a frumpy woman chugging vodka from the bottle while sobbing and singing break up songs with the radio. If she’s changing her lifestyle shouldn’t she become more attractive, at some point? Aren’t those guys out of her league? Let’s be real here. If your woman gets it into her head that someone like that can get the hottest barrister on the block, then how long will she be content to sit around with you on the couch watching movies?
Maybe you should try one of these instead.
*Disclaimer... this article reflects only the views and opinions of the author and a small pool of male contributors. It is a joke. It is not meant to be taken seriously, and in no way meant to offend those lovely females who may rather be watching "Die Hard," etc., and those excellent boyfriends who have no issues with watching a romantic movie with their lady. Happy Valentine's Day.