This Is Gwyneth Paltrow's $895 Hoodie

Ladies and gentlemen: This is Gwyneth Paltrow wearing an $895 hoodie.

No, I did not mean to type $8.95 or even $89.50. This hoodie retails for $895, and is available for purchase on Gwyneth's GOOP site.

"Ah, but it's not just a hoodie!" says you. "It's a hoodie with an attached blazer dickie!"

I don't care. I don't care if it's a dickie made of Tom Selleck's collected mustache trimmings. Nobody should pay $895 for a hoodie. No one. Not Gwyneth Paltrow, not nobody.

Seriously, why is this hoodie worth nearly $900? Is it lined with gold? Does it inflate into a silk airbag when someone throws something at you? Does it absorb the life essence from small children in your immediate vicinity, granting you everlasting life, a youthful skin tone, and killer abs? Did Robert Downey Jr. spit on it while filming "Iron Man 3" with her? Why?!

I'll tell you why this is an $895 hoodie. Because God has forsaken us. This is the end times, and we will all soon be doomed to walk the earth as the forces of good and evil battle for our immortal souls. And we will huddle for warmth in front of trash can fires using only scraps from the remnants of Gwyneth goddamn Paltrow's $895 hoodies to shelter us from the elements. And we will attempt to provide nourishment to our families by spit-roasting the remains of Gwyneth's body after an angry mob invades her multi-million-dollar home in Malibu (or her multi-million-dollar home in Brentwood, whichever one she happens to be in at the time). But we will still starve, because Gwyneth eats nothing but kale and thus provides no sustenance.

So thanks, Gwyneth Paltrow. We hope it was worth it.