Report: Scientologists Had It In Bad For 'South Park' Creators

"South Park" fans remember "Trapped In The Closet."

How could anyone forget? It was directly responsible for the stupidest pissing match of Tom Cruise's career.

The short version: Trey Parker and Matt Stone had concocted an episode in which Stan Marsh is cornered by propagandists representing the Church of Scientology, who proceed to become convinced that Stan is actually the reincarnation of church founder L. Ron Hubbard.

Stan becomes thoroughly creeped-out and put-off when no less than Tom Cruise comes to his home and throws himself at Stan's feet, only for Stan to pretty much tell him that the off-kilter star is coo-coo for Coco Puffs.

Cruise, after essentially a psychotic break, then locks himself in Stan's closet and the episode that ensues to mock everything about Scientology.

It's also worth mentioning that the late Isaac Hayes, the voice of Chef, also left the show because he objected to Parker and Stone mocking the Church of Scientology, of which he was a member -- to which Parker and Stone correctly retorted that Hayes never made a big deal about cashing checks while the show was roasting the sacred cows of Christians, Catholics, Muslims and members of other belief systems.

Well, a Village Voice article now reveals to just what lengths the church was ready to go to strong-arm Parker and Stone into backing off their satire. Yes, they were actually willing to go further than Cruise, who told Viacom -- the parent company that owns both "Mission: Impossible III" distributor Paramount Pictures and "South Park" home Comedy Central -- that he wouldn't help promote "Mission: Impossible III," which was due to hit theaters around the time of the episode's airing, if Viacom didn't yank the spoof.

Which the company did.

Of course, the episode had already aired once, and church officials were already brassed-off. Former Church of Scientology executive Marty Rathbun said Scientologists were looking for any opening they could get.

"Phone records. Bank records. Personal letters that expose some kind of vulnerability," Rathbun said. "They'll read stuff into the kind of alcohol you're drinking and how much. Prescriptions. They'll figure out your diet. They can find out a lot about you through your trash."

Church executives had Rathbun arrested after learning he'd claimed that more documents would further expose the Church of Scientology. Charges were dropped, but the article claims that officials still harrass him.

Of course, it was Parker and Stone who laughed last, and laughed best.

"So, Scientology, you may have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for earth has just begun!" they wrote in a letter to Scientology executives. "Temporarily anozinizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies. Curses and drat! You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail! Hail Xenu!!!"

Signing their letter: "Trey Parker and Matt Stone, servants of the dark lord Xenu."