'Ringer' Season 1, Episode 12 Recap - 'What Are You Doing Here, Ho-Bag?'

I don’t know about you, but I personally think the episode title of this week’s “Ringer” is among the best episode titles to ever exist in the history of television. It’s a finely crafted program indeed that can work the word ‘ho-bag’ into an episode title.

So because I was such a big fan, I waited all episode to hear what would prompt that infamous sentence. Would Bridget and Siobhan finally face off? Would it be Bridget finally losing her temper with Andrew’s first wife? Perhaps it would be Agent Pretty Eyes who would utter the phrase, finally pushed to his breaking point. I should have known that the show would make us wait the entire episode for that glorious line of dialogue, much the way “American Idol” always fills up a results show with long pauses and crying. God bless you and your vocabulary Juliet. And I want to thank the writers of “Ringer” for creating such a great title that it literally overshadowed everything else in the episode.

Unfortunately no episode that has already built up expectations that great with such a lofty title could possibly live up to the hype. ‘What Are You Doing Here, Ho-Bag?’ was an oddly paced episode, sometimes compelling and other times boring. Agent Pretty Eyes might have the best lashes in the business, but boy does the show come to a screeching halt whenever his field office shows up onscreen.

Bridget continues to get ever closer to the trail Siobhan has unknowingly left behind for her. This week, Bridget decides to go all out “Veronica Mars” to try to put the pieces of her sister’s wacky life together. For some reason Bridget has also decided to ditch her bangs in the process. I was no fan of the bangs last week, as I thought that Bridget had enough people plotting against her without having to worry about her hair’s steady march to devour her face. But it was a bit off-putting to see them completely disappear.

What also surprised me is how oddly competent Bridget has become since “Ringer” returned from its winter hiatus. Before the break, Bridget’s plans often involved stashing bodies in trunks and implicating herself in murders. Now she’s unknowingly closing in on her sister’s secrets with a level of intelligence I never expected to see. I mean she still blew things off relatively easy, like how the car company driver initially asked her if she was packing heat and only later offered up information about taking Siobhan to Wyoming. Who cares about the fact that Siobhan might also be mixed up in Bridget’s murder problems? Where was Siobhan going on a regular basis with a gun? Did I just miss that one? Is she part of a shooting club or does she just occasionally go out and murder hobos for the fun of it? With Siobhan anything is basically possible.

Speaking of big secrets being revealed, it looks like Henry finally knows that Siobhan and Bridget are both occupying the same city. I should have known something big and shocking would happen with Henry when I noticed he wasn’t wearing a turtleneck or scarf of some kind. That can only mean trouble. Why did Siobhan show her hand now though? Does she have some plot that involves Henry, since it seems that she’s still keeping Tyler on the line back in Paris? I feel like the writers want us to feel something for Siobhan and Henry but all I feel is apathy. In fact, I was much more excited to see Siobhan back with her true love giant sunglasses than I ever was to see her reunite with Henry.

In the other big storyline of the episode, Juliet’s mother comes to visit to support her during her teacher rape scandal. Her mother is a truly terrible person, so it looks like Andrew’s type is officially soulless blondes. Juliet’s principal makes a house call about the charges against Mr. Carpenter, explaining that they found a surveillance tape of Juliet hitting on Mr. Carpenter in a bad way. This, apparently, is going to muddy the waters when it comes to Mr. Carpenter’s rape charges.

From there things get a lot grosser and there’s a ton of victim-blaming because no one can ever imagine that a rape can occur after a girl hits on a guy. Juliet’s mother is the worst of the lot, calling her daughter a slut, questioning the rape and then burning baby pictures for dramatic effect. Juliet’s mother is the real ho-bag of the episode, yet Bridget somehow manages not to pull another “Buffy” and punch her in the face.

As the episode ends the ho-bag in question finally appears: Juliet’s poor arch-nemesis from school. And she has a startling revelation: Mr. Carpenter forced himself on her too. I suppose this means the Juliet and Logan Echolls story is far from over.

Random things we learned from this episode:

-  Love is cheap but a gigantic diamond is forever…and a lot of cash.

-  Siobhan and Bridget used to use codes and wordplay because they were apparently raised by Tom Hanks’ character in “The Da Vinci Code”.

-  Agent Pretty Eyes’ corrupt partner in jail knows where Bridget is. Also you can get away with a kegel jail joke on the CW at 9 p.m. Who knew?

-  The way to Henry’s heart is to mention all the secret rendezvous you used to have behind his dead wife’s back mere weeks after her murder. Hot.

-  Bridget always wears her hair up and Siobhan always wears her hair back. That’s how you can tell the difference. Now that Siobhan’s plans are spiraling out of control, however, her hair is sometimes in a messy ponytail instead of a power bun. The hair is always the first to go.

What did you think of this week’s “Ringer”? What do you think will happen now that Henry knows both sisters are in New York? Sound off in the comments!