Ricky Gervais Gives the Oscars His Two Cents

Ricky Gervais wasn't hired to write for the Oscars, but that doesn't mean he won't do it anyway.

In a post on his blog today, Gervais offered a full write-up for the opening of the 83rd Academy Awards on Sunday, just in case hosts James Franco and Anne Hathaway end up with "a few minutes to fill". If you were at all offended by the inappropriate (but darned funny) jokes that Gervais dropped during the Golden Globes, then this script will really get you in a huff.

For those who didn't catch the Golden Globes and somehow managed to avoid the media storm that followed, Gervais' performance as host got him banned from hosting the show again, especially after he insulted the top exec of the Hollywood Foreign Press, Philip Berk. Other envelope-pushing Gervais jokes included digs at Charlie Sheen ("It's going to be a night of partying and heavy drinking -- or, as Charlie Sheen calls it, breakfast") and Bruce Willis (who was introduced as "Ashton Kutcher's dad").

Ricky's behavior sent waves of obvious discomfort through the Golden Globes crowd, and prompted a sizeable backlash. But as the old saying goes, "there's no such thing as bad publicity"...so Gervais soaked it up.

The Oscars "bit" posted on the blog is even edgier and probably funnier too, so it's certainly worth a read. You can read the whole thing on the blog, but here's an excerpt:

   (Drum roll) 

V.O.
Ladies and Gentlemen.
Please welcome your hosts for this evening...
James Franco and Anne Hathaway

(Music and applause)
(James and Anne walk out looking absolutely perfect)

JF
Hello and welcome to The 83rd Academy Awards,
Live from Los Angeles.

AH
That's foreign for City of Angels.
And this room is certainly filled will those angels.

(Applause)

JF
Thank you. I'm James Franco.

AH
...and I'm Anne Hathaway.

JF
You probably know me from 127 Hours where I play a man trapped in an enclosed space who decides he would rather cut his own arm off than stay where he was. Now that sounds "way out" but wait till half way through this fucking ceremony and you'll start to identify with him. 

AH
And I'm the new Catwoman. The first white woman to play that role since Michelle Pfeiffer. I want it to be an inspiration to all white people everywhere. Your dreams can come true in Hollywood too. 

JF
It's a daunting task hosting The Oscars but we're not alone. Presenting awards tonight will be a string of Hollywood legends and some other actors who have a film out in March or April. 

JF
Usually they hire comedians to host The Oscars, but tonight, instead, you get us! 

AH
No comedians tonight. And do you know why? Because comics are ugly. 

JF
Especially that rude obnoxious one who played the Steve Carell part in the English remake of The Office. 

AH
But you can all relax because Ricky Gervais is in London...

(Nervous laughter) 

He's doing some charity work.
Yeah, he's visiting orphans with cancer. 
He's telling them what bald little losers they are... 

JF
Yeah, cos he's rude right?

(Applause)

Thank you.
No rudeness tonight.
It's going to be a night of the most privileged people in the world being told how brilliant they are and thanking God for loving them more than ugly poor foreigners.

(Applause)

(continue reading at

Ricky's blog...)