'New Girl': Season 2, Episode 23: 'Virgins' Recap

Schmidt comes in as Jess is waxing CeCe’s armpits and tells them he has a date with Elizabeth. He displays the “Archduke,” a female pleasure implement. Winston is going out with Daisy.

Jess asks Schmidt to read the text from her phone since her hands are mess. It’s Teddy… he is in town and wants to get drinks. Nick wants to know who Teddy is… Jess reluctantly tells them Teddy took her flower.

Jealous, Nick gets upset that someone stole from her, until he realizes she means her “wonderful secret garden.”

CeCe encourages her to tell the story, since it is the worst. Prom, 2000. She and her date have rented a hotel room. On the bed, Teddy tries to unzip her, but since it’s homemade, there isn’t one. Jess suggests he rips it… but as members of the Gender Equality Society, he continues to ask for permission for everything. He decides he is uncomfortable.

Jess says she will go get a seam ripper, and sits in the hall. A hot guy comes up and asks if she is okay. He has a guitar and they sing together, and talk about how stupid prom is. They are about to kiss, when Teddy comes out with two steak knives fashioned together like scissors. He cuts himself, and the hot stranger leaves.

Schmidt encourages CeCe to tell her story, since Jess’ hasn’t progressed.

Same night. CeCe is at the bar telling the bartender about how she is a virgin—so what? Someone beside her tells her how he wants to make love to her. It’s Mick Jagger. CeCe lost her virginity to Mick Jagger. No, it’s not embarrassing; she just likes telling the story.

Cut to Schmidt in college. He has a big bucket of lube—he tells Nick that he and Elizabeth are planning to “merge.” Schmidt pretends he has had plenty of sex, but asks Nick frank question which Nick answers in the least helpful way possible. Like, if he pees in her, will she die? Yes.

College Nick takes mushrooms and shrooms out. He is in the room talking to the troll at the end of his bed when Schmidt and Elizabeth come in. His arm was a magnet and the wall a magnet, so he couldn’t leave. Finally he frees himself from the wall, and crawls across the floor—Schmidt covered in lube, falls, and lands on Nick. They slippery wrestle, trying to get Schmidt back on the bed.

Winston says his story was awesome so he can’t win the worst. He tells how he and Nick went to New York with Nick’s dad. Nicks dad brings in two hookers… though Winston doesn’t realize they were hookers until his friends tell him. Nervous, young nick drinks for the first time and cries.

Nick tells them he couldn’t go through with the prostitute. He explains his dad told him he thinks about things too much, and that losing their virginity to a hooker was a family tradition. He says he doesn’t want Nick to do anything he doesn’t want to do… but doesn’t want him to miss out on life. Nick says he loves drinking. He promises to wait and tell Winston that his lover was a hooker after he died.

Jess says Winston can’t win the story yet… hers involves murder. She went out to L.A. to see CeCe and they went to a bar. She and CeCe talk about her still being a virgin, and how she wants to lose it. They look over at a group of rowdy guys—Schmidt, Nick, and Winston—and CeCe asks if she would do it with one of them. Then she sees the hot guy from prom night.

He asks if she wants to get out of there… but he doesn’t have a car, and she’s staying on CeCe’s couch. Big Schmidt goes and tries to hit on CeCe but she ignores him.

Outside in the playground, she’s fooling around with the hot guy. He tells her he is off his antidepressants so it might take a while.

Two hours later, he still can’t get it up. She tries to move him, and they get stuck in the door of the castle. It is day outside, and there are kids.

The police come, and Jess tells them they tried to have sex on the bench, but there was a man there. The cop goes to question the man, and finds out he has been stabbed. The cops question her, and as the fireman lifts an axe to cut them out, her date screams he might be fay.

Nick laughs at stupid Teddy… but no, that wasn’t Teddy. The cute fireman who rescues her from the plastic castle and carries her to safety is Teddy. Jess doesn’t win—her story rocks.

They prepare to go out, and Nick and Jess fall behind. Nick tells her he lost his virginity on a towel in the woods, and he cried. She kept her bra on. It was nice. He thinks it sucks that her story was so great.

Teddy texts her and she says she should go, but waits.

“What do you think?”

Nick doesn’t answer. She leaves, but as she gets in the elevator, Nick stops it. He tells her not to think about it, and lifts her and carries her off.

Daisy and Winston sleep together.

CeCe and her fiance are in bed together… to be married in two days. He asks if they should try it? She wants to wait.

Nick sweeps Jess into his bedroom, and they kiss.

Schmidt and Elizabeth are kissing. She asks about his machine, but he says maybe they don’t need it…

Nick and Jess are in bed, panting, happy. They laugh, and then look shocked by what just happened.