'New Girl' Season 1, Episode 13 Recap - 'Valentine's Day'

Holy crap! Happenings! Events! SPOILER ALERT!

It's Valentine's Day, and while Winston is still trying to win over his girl and Nick and Julia are being their own special brand of cute, Jess and Schmidt are living single, and are (as most singles are on this particular day) kinda grumpy about it.

So Schmidt and Jess hit the bar so Jess can get herself a one-night stand. If the idea of Jess and a one-night stand don't mix so well in your head, you're right. She packs an overnight bag with a sewing kit and a box of 100 condoms. That's not an exaggeration, like when you say "oh my god I at like 100 cookies today." No, there are actually 100 condoms in the box.

With a little coaching from Schmidt and Cece, Jess finally lands herself her guy: Oliver, played by "True Blood" star Ryan Kwanten, who is now rolling without his Aussie accent OR his Bon Temps accent! Oliver is the most boring person ever and talks about lunch all the time, which means Jess has no emotional attachment to him, which means he's the perfect man for this particular job.

Unfortunately, when Jess goes back to his place she finds herself face-to-face with Oliver's ex, who still lives with him. After some craziness involving Schmidt's stolen tires and Cece's boyfriend tripping on shrooms, Jess decides to leave.

Here's where things take a turn for the eventful: when Jess gets home, she runs into Schmidt, who gives her a pep talk and a hug. Remember that almost-kiss that cost Schmidt $50 for the douchebag jar? Well Jess almost one-ups that by carrying her huge box of condoms to Schmidt's room and knocking on the door. Luckily, Nick pulls her away in time, or else she would have walked in on... drumroll, please... Schmidt and Cece totally gettin' it on! Finally!!

It was only a matter of time until that one happened, so why not Valentine's Day, right? It had the extra little twist of Jess almost sleeping with Schmidt too, which would have been really crazy.

Things are a little rough for Nick and Winston, as Nick ends up not being able to celebrate with Julia because of her job (but he does get to spend some time with Cliff), and Winston has to go through a "girl's night" in order to win some brownie points. Both of those relationships are on track. Yay. Schmidt still wins for today, though.

In my perfect world, this show would now completely ditch its sunny demeanor and turn into an emotionally wrought show about sleeping with roommates and ruining friendships. That's what "Community" would do. I miss "Community," you guys.

Extra bonus points this week for the flashback to Nick's cockfighting days.

Notes & Quotes:

- "Feelin' twirly"

- "I'm putting them on right now over my pants, you can't stop me."

- Jess' cherry bit

- "I'm gonna eat lunch off his butt!"

- "There are youths everywhere!"

- "I started playing guitar in an alt-country ska band." "Sure."