Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher Named Their Baby, and We Disapprove

We had hope for Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher. We're not sure why, though. Perhaps it was the fact that Kunis talked about how her baby would likely "shred" her vagina, and that she just wanted her kids to grow up to not be horrible people. That's a good goal.

Heck, Mila even went to the hospital for the birth, which is more than we can say for a lot of people these days, where home births are increasingly popular despite the fact that birthing a child remains pretty dangerous.

So, with Mila's seemingly down-to-earth approach to motherhood, we were really optimistic that the baby wouldn't end up with a name like Apple or Ace Knute or Lincoln (for a girl) like many other celebrities who will remain unnamed have opted for.

Alas, the name of Mila and Ashton's baby girl was revealed today, and it's Wyatt Isabelle.

Let's break that down.

Wyatt is an acceptable name for a boy. Emphasis on "acceptable." It's a little old-timey Western, and he might grow up with an inexplicable affection for handlebar mustaches and boot spurs, but a boy named Wyatt can go through life without much trouble.

Wyatt, for a girl, is weird. It's not like "Charlie" or "Alex" where it's short for something that is a traditional girl's name and has a history of being unisex. It is a name, in the case of a girl, that a celebrity couple would choose for the sake of being unique. Like f--king Apple. Only it's worse, because Wyatt is not a pretty name. It opens up to a wide, ugly-sounding vowel and then it lands with a splat.

Then there's Isabelle. Also a little old-timey Western, but at least they got the gender right. However, with the advent of "Twilight," Isabelle and variations thereof have become incredibly popular so that parents can call their daughters Bella and pretend that a handsome, sparkly vampire will appear at their window and save them from their boring, loveless marriages at any moment.

So not only have Mila and Ashton chosen one of the trendiest names out there, they've chosen the trendiest name of the past 10 years or so. This poor girl now has the choice of being a girl named Wyatt or one of about 800 million Isabelles (give or take a few).

We blame Ashton.