'How To Live With Your Parents For The Rest of Your Life' 'Pilot' Recap

“Why are we here?” asks Natalie as her mother Polly rings the doorbell at her parent’s house. Polly tells her it is because Grandma and Grandpa are the coolest people in the world.

They open the door only partially dressed--Stepfather Max, who owns a nightclub, and has an aversion to workout clothes, and Mom Elaine, who has no ability to censor herself.

Polly explains that she left her husband Julian, who used their rent money to adopt a highway.

6 months later, Polly still lives at home. Elaine tells her excitedly that Max’s friend Kenny wants to ask her out. He is 60.

Polly tells her she is determined to be best single working mom in universe as Max brings in the sculpture they got in New Mexico. It is a dog. Natalie informs him that she is scared of it, and he tells her it isn’t scary—but then makes it bark at her, freaking her out.

Polly says she just wants Natalie to have the normal childhood she never got.

In a montage of Polly caring for her daughter you can see they are close. Polly settles in to sleep in the room with her daughter, which raises eyebrows on her parents, who are going out.

The ex-husband Julian arrives. Polly explains he means well but doesn’t do anything well. He proudly shows off the life hammer he got in case his car traps him in water. Polly continues that he loves her family and thus keeps showing up.

Max hates him, however, and complains that he is making excuses to show up while Elaine does tequila shots. He is especially angry that a cream soda is missing. Elaine tells him he is overly sensitive about people taking things—probably because he lost a ball to testicular cancer.

Polly works at smoothie counter at Freshside Market and Café… where she has named all the smoothies after herself. Her boss Gregg comes to talk to her but she uses blender to drown him out, until co-worker Jenny comes up and explains that he’s trying to tell her that the guy they’ve dubbed Jewish Superman (Luke) wants to ask her out and is lingering hopefully by the cheese.

“That man has the body fat of Hilary Swank; he’s never tasted cheese.”

Polly goes over, and arranges herself a date for Thursday. It goes against the lecture she just gave her mother, however, so to get them to babysit and still save face, she tells them she has to go to a work party. She gives them detailed instructions for how to care for her daughter.

“This is endless.”

She gives Natalie her cell number and tells her to call her if she gets scared. As her date picks her up, Elaine and Max spy and get excited to see the truth.

During her date, however, Polly can’t quit checking her phone. She decides cocktails are in order, but Luke tells her he had a Dazedan pill to relax. She reassures him that her mother mixes alcohol with Dazedan all the time, and they drink. They take to dancing, but Polly acknowledges she didn’t realize at the time that Luke can’t hold Dazedantinis like her mother can.

Max and Elaine give Natalie a bath, while Elaine speculates on why Polly kept the date secret. Natalie again tells Max she is afraid of the dog sculpture. Elaine asks if she’s ever even been around a real dog—and they go to a late-night adoption at the humane society. Max tries to pet a dog, who snaps at him, making things worse.

Natalie wants to call her mom, but they tell her she is on a date. Max also lets slip there is no Santa.

“We need a very cute puppy and we need it now!”

Polly brings her wasted date back, telling him someone will drive him home. Julian is there and assists; he got a call from his daughter about a dog. Inside, Polly yells at her parents that they can’t keep snfronting people with things they’re afraid of—like dogs. A Yorkie comes out, she runs, locking herself in the closet. She is actually the one afraid of dogs.

Outside, Julian’s truck with the bad breaks rolls away and crashes. As they survey the damage, Luke passes out.

The group caravan back to deposit Luke at home. Max talks to Julian, telling him it is unhealthy to be around Polly so much. Julian explains he feels he needs to be there because wasn’t before.

In the other car, Elaine is saying she had a good time. She tells Polly she is projecting fears onto her daughter—Polly flashes back to her birthday present, a dog with “hereditary insanity.”

Polly admits she is scared her daughter will turn out like herself, and Elaine comforts her.

At Luke’s house, they try to get the code out of him, but he tells them it’s his sobriety date. Julian breaks the window with his life hammer, setting off an alarm. They prop Luke against the wall and run.

Polly mentally thanks her family—although she swears her daughter was afraid of dogs, and is just making her look bad. She acknowledges she was the one who was afraid to sleep alone, and gets into her own bed.

At the window outside, however, Max is loudly pumping weights. He promises her twenty minutes.