Kris Humphries Gave Someone Herpes?? Shut the Front Door!

Like that guy you met at the bar on free taco night, Kris Humphries’ attorney is frantically assuring people that no, Kris doesn’t have herpes. Why, what have you heard?

The short-term husband of “Keeping Up with The Kardashians” princess Kim Kardashian is firing back against allegations that he knowingly gave a woman herpes.

You can sue for that now? Excuse me, I’ve got about twenty girls from my old dorm I need to text immediately.

Kayla Goldberg has filed a sexual battery and negligent transmission of a venereal disease suit against the tall dude. According to Goldberg, she met Humphries at a restaurant, and then later at a club. She went back to his hotel room, and you know… Played card games, watched some late night television and fell asleep a respectable distance from one another with just their fingers touching. Aww.

Goldberg is suing because Humphries, who did not always use a condom during their card games, forgot to mention the fact that his nether-regions had already been colonized.

She is asking for “unspecified general, specific and punitive damages and court costs.”

Since all of this happened before his brief (but heartfelt) marriage to Kim Kardashian, is it fair to assume that Kim probably has the big H now too?

Somehow, I’m not at all surprised. But Kanye West better be on guard.

Oh, who am I kidding? It's probably way too late for Kanye.

I’m picturing some kind of major herpes love pyramid in Hollywood, and right at the top, Paris Hilton is laughing and tossing her hair.

Let that be a lesson to you all—no matter how rich, hunky and crazy tall he is, use protection. That's just common sense.

And remember this wisdom: