Kid Pees On, Ruins $36,000 Worth Of MacBooks

We can only presume this kid's pretty much a "PC."

Scratch that. It shouldn't matter if this kid prefers Linux. When you drop your pants and destroy laptops collectively worth more than many people make in a year, if you were raised by human beings as opposed to mildly retarded Labradors that were never house-broken, your days of sitting down without howling in pain had better be over.

Did the 11-year-old Upper Allen Township (Pa.) Elementary boy get bored? Was he angry? Was he once traumatized by a peer's older brother's hentai smuggled onto the playground on an iPad? Did his mother perhaps once whip an iPhone at his noggin to get him to shut off the Wii and do his homework?

It doesn't matter. Nothing anyone could guess justifies the boy peeing on an unattended stack of approximately 30 school-owned MacBooks, as MSNBC reports he did. According to police, "the cart and computers were damaged beyond repair, resulting in the loss of over $36,000."

Yes, Apple offers nigh-unparalleled tech support product-replacement coverage. But this little demon discovered the one act of nature their repair-and-replacment plans don't cover: human waste. AppleCare doesn't cover acts of urine, and with the machines collectively deemed "a biohazard," they can't and won't be serviced.

"We can all surmise that urinating upon your Mac will not be covered by your AppleCare, but here's an interesting question: if you stand up right this second, unzip your fly and hose off all over your MacBook, can you even pay to service the machines? The answer is no, because Apple looks at micturated-upon MacBooks as a biohazard," explains Cult of Mac's John Brownlee.

MSNBC's Helen A.S. Popkin further explains that a New York City Fifth Avenue Apple Store representative confirmed that no Apple Genius service tech would touch even a MacBook coated in puppy pee. "What's more, 'biohazard' is the exact word she used, right before she encouraged me to 'Google' a repair outfit that would deign to do such dirty work," Popkin wrote.

The kid wasn't arrested, but his charges of institutional vandalism and criminal mischief were forwarded along to the Cumberland County Juvenile Probation Department.

This is where we've landed, folks.

This story proves that there are crumb-snatchers in this world that cannot for more than a blink be left unattended because it's not unprecedented for a fifth or sixth grader to piss or crap on electronics. Speaking as someone with parents who were raised by Great Depression/World War II-era folks who wouldn't let leaving a screen door open stand unpunished, let alone making a biohazard of something that costs a month's pay, let me make an assurance: once upon a time, the phrase "Go cut me a switch!" would've echoed in this kid's head complete with a nervous tic for a lifetime.

If there's any justice, the welts on his ass are burning like Dante's Inferno, because he can sense that someone somewhere is thinking of him and the words "dumbass waste of sperm and egg."