'Jersey Shore' Season 6, Episode 1 Recap - 'Once More Onto the Beach'

The season starts right off with the report on Mike's rehab: he was addicted to prescription pills apparently, and had an awful time with rehab. He's also kinda dating Paula?

We also start right up with Snooki's pregnancy. "I think I did a whole 180, I think it's called?" she says of her new, non-partying ways. She already looks very pregnant. But maybe that's just because she's like four feet tall. Meanwhile, JWoww recaps the action of her spinoff with Snooki, in case you missed it. I think most people did.

"Sh*t, my vagina hurts." --Snooki. Put that one in Bartlett's.

Ron and Sam update: they are together and like, so in love you guys, and they're going to communicate and being honest with their feelings and sunshine and rainbows and unicorn poop.

Pauly and Vinny have high hopes for Mike now that he's clean, even thinking that they could get "MVP" back together. Vinny isn't so optimistic about Snooki and Jionni, however, saying that Jionni won't be a good dad, and that he's ready to step in if it doesn't work. Ouch.

Oh hey, Deena. I forgot she existed. Apparently she has a boyfriend named Chris. Anyone care about Deena? No? Okay, moving on.

"We are maturing and growing up a little bit," says Jenni. A VERY little bit.

The losers arrive first: Mike starts his dinner and Deena arrives soon after. Mike is being exceptionally nice, complimenting Deena on slimming down and helping her with her luggage. When everyone else arrives, though, Sammi reveals that she still doesn't trust Mike, saying that he's "still the same troublemaker."

Sammi and Ronnie have their own room. You know, for their horrible arguments.

Deena is sad that she doesn't have Snooki as her partner in crime. "She can't be crimeful anymore," she whines. And now, wait for Deena to start getting drunk at noon alone every day, becoming even sadder.

Mike takes the time to apologize to everyone after dinner, but Jenni is still skeptical. Snooki seems pretty wary about things too, and it seems like people are taking a "wait and see" approach with Mike. You know, like he was cancer.

The gang visits Danny at the Shore Store, and Danny says he'll take it easy on Snooki. Because Snooki is usually a really hard worker?

GTL time! Since nobody partied or drank the night before, they're all up early to go to the gym together. Has this happened, ever? It's kind of amazing to see them up before noon, much less out of the house. Snooki's all sad because she can't go hard at the gym, and isn't allowed in a tanning bed. So her GTL is more like L and a little bit of G.

Oh lord. Deena is crying already because she misses her boyfriend. It's only the second day. This is going to be unbearable.

But not as unbearable as Snooki trying to read an analog clock. She actually has to count up by fives on each number in order to tell what time it is. Really, I'm surprised she knows her times tables. Well, she knows the fives anyway.

Jionni shows up, which creates some tension with Vinny... he walks by and the two don't acknowledge each other at all. "I'm not going to say what's up," he explains to Pauly later. "Like, 'What's up, I banged your girl.'"

"Yeah, I can see how that could be awkward," says Pauly.

And now, Snooki's dilemma: she just wishes so badly that she could go to Karma and take shots and "rage," as she puts it, but she has this stupid baby and whatnot. Poor thing. "I don't want to be that pregnant girl at the club," she says. Yet she had no problem being the sloppy drunk girl showing everyone her ass at the club.

Not much of a cliffhanger, is it? Snooki sitting alone at a restaurant while everyone else has fun. Well, next time use birth control, Snooki. Lesson learned.