'Jersey Shore' Season 5, Episode 9 Recap - 'The Truth Will Set You Free'

Let's all take a moment of silence for Sammi, whose death came far too soon. It's always a tragedy when we lose someone so young... what? She's still alive? She's just been contributing nothing to the show? Oh, never mind then. False alarm, everybody! She's just boring!

Angelina sighting! She shows up at Jenks and is promptly avoided by everyone in the cast, as if she were the plague. Because she is, in fact, the plague. Sitch strikes out as his girl gets cold feet in bed, and Pauly strikes out as his girl, Gina, is on her period. This is the kind of high-stakes drama we've come to expect from this show week after week.

Mike orders breakfast for everyone and pays by credit card, which means he has no cash for tip when the delivery guy gets there. He gives him a protein shake instead. The guy is visibly pissed. I laugh at his misfortune.

Sammi sighting! She's alive! She goes shopping at the sex shop with Jenni, who is trying to set up a romantic night with Roger, because pasties are romantic. The two also tell Deena that they think Joey is bad news. Deena is defensive. I'll bet you my first-born child that this blows up in her face.

Pauly and Vinny have an idea to put the smush bed outside, but are caught by Sammi and her surprise face. "If you say a word to anybody I'll f*cking kill you," says Vinny, half-jokingly. When Jenni finds the bed missing, Sammi immediatly points out its location to Jenni. Like a dog might.

JWoww sets everything back up, and her spread includes rose petals, handcuffs, lube, toys, and a Baby Ruth and a Powerade. If that isn't tacky enough for you, Jenni's outfit will definitely cover it. It won't cover her boobs very much, however.

One minute of insults hurled at Vinny and his plaid/denim shirt, which include calling him "Vurkel," asking if his sister let him borrow the whole outfit, and telling him that he was great in "Dukes of Hazzard." Did Roger just win that?

Sitch is still trying to set up his payback for Snooki with Unit, which I think has been going on since the first episode of the season. Unit has a pretty serious neck tattoo of Chinese symbols. My guess is they translate to "douchebag."

They're trying to build some kind of suspense with Situation and Unit getting ready to attack Jionni and Snooki, and I'm pretty sure I hear someone say "like f*ckin' Avatar." I want to hear the rest of that conversation. Deena, meanwhile, has officially let the seed of doubt be planted in her head, and is already bitching at Joey, saying that he only wants to use her for sex. Listen, Desperate Deena, take what you can get.

"I heard that you don't like me at all," says Deena. Joey has had enough of the crap, and walks off. "I can never win!" exclaims Deena. This is kind of a given while watching this show, but... facepalm.

Mike, meanwhile, tries to bring Unit back to the house to get him to testify, but Unit is so wasted he gets arrested on the way home. "I can't catch a break," says Sitch. This is what happens when you're friends with a guy named Unit, dude.

So Mike must confront Jionni alone. An attempt at a cliffhanger ensues. But at this point, Sitch has been "plotting" since the beginning of season 4... I've more or less forgotten why he's doing this in the first place. Does anyone care? Is anyone even watching this show? WHAT IS THE APPEAL HERE?