'Jersey Shore' Season 5, Episode 2 Recap - 'One Man Down'

"I have anxiety, bad," says Vinny. So he's been fine through all the rest of the crap he's been through on this show, but NOW he wants to leave?

 

Mike's back with Paula, and we relive their hot tub hookup and Paula falling down the stairs. "It's a sure thing," says Mike. Or he might have said "Shore thing." It's hard to tell with him when he's catchphrasing or not.

 

The gang gets caught in a downpour, as if God were saying "WIPE THIS MESS OF THE FACE OF THE EARTH."

 

Sitch is on fire tonight. First Snooki asks him if Jionni can borrow a shirt, to which Sitch responds (away from her) "we share girls, why can't we share clothes?" Then he cooks food with Jionni but Snooki lures Jionni away, so Sitch brings him his sammich. 

 

Jionni is telling Snooki not to drink so much, which is great advice from a sane person. "He just needs to respect who I am," says Snooki. What, an alcoholic?

 

Vinny's bummer mood makes him late for work, but Danny's being nice enough to take Vinny to lunch and talk about his anxiety, which apparently Vin has had since he was 16. This is turning into a PSA on anxiety awareness.

 

The guys go for mani-pedis. So, I guess it's GTLMP now. But at least Vinny is laughing about it. Pauly, meanwhile, has tanned so much that he looks like a strawberry. "I shocked the system, bro," says Pauly. And then he got skin cancer, probably.

 

"I don't know who I'm gonna make out with, but I know it's gonna be someone good," says Deena, to herself, like a crazy person. I'll be everyone $10 that she doesn't make out with anyone.

 

Wait no, she found Damian. Poor man.

 

Speaking of poor men, Jionni has to deal, once again, with an incredibly drunk Snooki. She's falling down and talking about chicken cutlets, so she's pretty gone. "It's like you're taking care of your child, and you don't want to do that with your girlfriend," says Ronnie, ever the philosopher.

 

So everyone brings someone back except for Vinny, which probably doesn't make him feel any better. But sometimes it's better to go home alone, as Pauly learns. He tries to call his girl a cab, and while he does, she steals his chain. So now Pauly's down one diamond chain, which is probably on eBay by now.

 

Nope, turns out it's on her neck, and she brought it back. But she wants her shoes in return. "She lost her dignity, her self-respect, what does she need shoes for?" Asks Pauly. Valid point.

 

Vinny is still talking about how crappy he feels, and I think the count for mentions of anxiety is up to about 50 in this episode so far. "What do you do if you don't want to go out to the club?" asks Vinny. Wait, so these people actually don't know how to function if they don't party at a club every night?

 

"What do you feel?" asks Snooki. "Anxious. Not myself," says Vinny for the thousandth time this episode. "Are you going to drink tonight?" is Snooki's follow-up question, which speaks volumes.

 

All of this fuss is being made over Vinny's anxiety, but none over Snooki's alcoholism. Healthy household.

 

A ten-minute shot of Deena applying perfume to every inch of herself, as if the overwhelming smell will somehow improve her appearance. There's just a glimmer of self-consciousness there, as she realizes the camera is on her because she's doing something unintentionally hilarious.

 

Everyone goes out to Karma, but Pauly, ever the gentleman, stays behind to hang with Vinny. Vin goes to call his sister to pick him up, though, and Pauly looks like someone just killed his dog. The resulting scene is actually more heartwarming than any scene we've seen between any of the couples on this show. This is true love, folks.

 

"The hardest part is leaving you," says Vinny. They're writing a romance drama in real time!

 

So Vinny's gone, and they'll act like he's gone forever, but like when anyone leaves this show, he'll be back in an episode or two.