'Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo' Episode 5 Preview: The Insanity Goes Bilingual

What comes out of Honey Boo-Boo's mouth barely qualifies as "English." Yet, here she is....speaking Spanish.

"Me gusta Glitzy!" the strange little "Toddlers & Tiaras" unlikely icon praises her pet pig in this "Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo" preview clip from TLC. She adds what sounds roughly like "My name is Alana" in Spanglish that's about as intelligible as what she normally speaks, and even adds "I'm talking in Spanish. Oh my door-nut!"

Uh, yeah. What she said.

Elsewhere, Alana has decided that one pretty pig makes her pretty by association. "We're going to be the prettiest girls at the pageant," she coos to the tiara-donning porker. "There's no way we can't win 'cause I got me a pig." Does that hold true even if it's a dead pig? June sounds about this close to a justifiable slaughter if Glitzy doesn't learn when to button it.

"It hollered at 5:30 this morning wanting to eat. Hello, I'm asleep. I ain't got time to feed your ass.  But if I didn't, it would have hollered from 5:30 to 10 o'clock," June complained, interrupted briefly by a burp.

Well, this is it. I don't know about everybody else, but I'm personally giving up. This is what we're to take away from "The Learning Channel." A barely-verbal Southern child who speaks English just barely better than the adults who raise her. The dumber you are, the more lucrative the opportunities available at the low, low cost of your dignity's death recorded for posterity.

Folks, I no longer care who occupies the Oval Office after this November. We've reached a point wherein the hottest of hot-mess households probably earns more from its inexplicable cable-network deal than many people with four-year degrees or higher. America can't get much more backwards.

But whoever is elected, please, deliver us from a world wherein I have to admit on a daily basis Honey Boo-Boo probably earns more than I do.

Tonight's wonderful disaster airs at 10 p.m. ET on TLC.  As always, Honey Boo Boo full episodes will be available on Yidio.com the day after it originaly airs on TV.