'Hellraiser: Revelations' Trailer Hits Internet. Kill It With Fire.

I hate you, Dimension Extreme. I hate you more than words can describe. More than the Westboro Baptist Church hates books and marrying outside the Phelps family.

For all of your sakes, I just watched the "Hellraiser: Revelations" trailer. I had hopes for this. I really, really did. I heard that original writer, director and creator Clive Barker actually gave a remake his blessing - something that the . . . the . . . thing that dared call itself "A Nightmare On Elm Street" in 2010 didn't get from Wes Craven. He was even on-board to help with the script. But, no. Of course, the Weinsteins would know far better than the "Hellraiser" creator what's best for the franchise, and he was quickly cast aside.

This thing? This exemplifies why Barker is now absolutely against a remake.This is every ounce as embarrassing as most of the sequels have one. He didn't touch this one at all, and it shows.

I'd seen the original concept art for the new "Pinhead" and it really looked like it did right by Doug Bradley's iconic Cenobyte master of torture and pain.

Even the plot actually sounded intriguing: two wild boys on a Mexico get-away get their hands on the Lament Configuration, summon the Cenobytes and disappear seemingly without a trace . . . except what was accidentally recorded on their video camera.

Oh, yes. You probably have a pretty good idea where this immediately heads.

Watch. Tell me I'm wrong to want to take a cricket bat to someone's head for this.

Well, that's it. Thanks, Hollywood. First, it was "Halloween." Then it was "A Nightmare On Elm Street." I'll give you a pass on "Friday The 13th" in between, just because asking that a remake of admittedly a pretty bad original series of movies be really great is a tall order. But then came "Hellraiser." You have successfully, painfully raped three of my all-time favorite movies.

You couldn't possibly just redo a bad movie, and see if it can be just so awful, it's actually a new kind of entertaining? You couldn't have targeted "Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things" or "Death Bed: The Bed That Eats People?" It just had to be "Hellraiser?"

Found-footage? Really? Really? That stake hasn't been beaten far enough into the ground yet? I can't imagine anything much LESS appropriate to the "Hellraiser" franchise, except that's the motif that I've heard is planned for the equally depressing "The Crow" remake.

And merciful Hell, what in the world is with Pinhead? He doesn't sound like he could scare my cocker spaniel! Where's an overwhelming score that at least meets the standards of the original's brooding strings?

It hits theaters in a mercifully limited release Sept. 2. It hits DVD and Blu-Ray Oct. 18.