'Glee' Season 3, Episode 13 Recap & Song List - 'Heart'

Misguided teenage love seems to be the theme of "Heart," the Valentine's Day offering from "Glee." With the exception of one poignant storyline, we have a bunch of scenarios in this episode that provide reasons why we should never trust that anyone belongs with anyone on this show.

Take, for example, Artie and Rory, who are both mooning over Sugar Motta for some reason. Not only is Sugar still as annoying as ever (funny, enjoyable as a character in small doses, but if she were a person in real life, you can bet you wouldn't want to deal with her), but now she's throwing a party at Breadsticks to which only couples are invited. Artie seems to have forgotten about the fact that Sugar insulted him for being handicapped a while back. As for Rory... well, it's hard to say what he thinks, because he only speaks about once every three weeks or so.

So the two of them begin a duel for Sugar's superficial love. Didn't Artie dump Tina a while back for pretending to have a stutter? How is Sugar a better person than Tina? The real issue here is probably that Artie and Rory are getting lost in the crowd and need something to go for.

They're one-upped by a surprise visit from Karovsky, who I guess creepily stalked Kurt all week in a gorilla suit, handing him valentines and candy and stuff. Karovsky eventually reveals himself and confesses his love to Kurt, which comes a bit out of nowhere but could be expected after that bar scene a while back, not to mention cries from fans for a Kurt/Karovsky romance. Karovsky is, of course, shot down, because Kurt has Blaine. Good ol' heart-shaped eyepatch Blaine, who shows up for a number this week at the end.

But the ultimate misguided couple is still Finn and Rachel. Kurt blabbed about the engagement, so now Rachel's two dads (played by Jeff Goldblum and Brian Stokes Mitchell) know all about it. They come up with a plan to have Rachel and Finn spend the night together at their house as an experiment in cohabitation, to show them how hard it is to live together.

Here's the part where it goes wrong: as the dads hoped, Finn and Rachel get into an argument over Finn taking a dump in Rachel's bathroom (okay, maybe they didn't plan the dump part, but they planned the fight). This quickly escalates into a screaming match. But then we come back from commercial and Finn and Rachel have made up and decided that they can definitely get married, because look at how great they're doing! Dudes, you just got in a fight after about three minutes of living together. Just because you made up later doesn't mean that you're going to be okay when you get married.

While we're on the subject of the dads, Jeff Goldblum is brilliant as always but totally out of place with his parenthetical delivery on a show that has one pace and volume. This isn't a place for subtlety or meandering; the dialogue on "Glee" is clean and clipped. Goldblum is not. I love him, but he sticks out like a sore thumb here.

The one couple who isn't totally misguided is Santana and Brittany, but they face outside forces: someone has been complaining about them kissing in the hallways, which is a major double standard considering how gross and kissy Rachel and Finn get all the time. This also mirrors a situation a while back where "The L Word" actress Leisha Hailey was reportedly kicked off of a plane for kissing her girlfriend.

As a form of retailiation, Santana asks the God Squad, which is Mercedes' religious group with Quinn, Sam and new guy Joe (played by "The Glee Project" co-winner Samuel Larsen) to sing a Valetine's musical telegram to Brittany for her. The God Squad is confused and sits down to have a very serious discussion about whether homosexuality is okay even considering their faith, which is clearly the only reason they're here at all this week. Spoiler alert: they decide it's fine, which is probably good considering that they know a whole lotta gay people.

The real wins in the Santana/Brittany storyline are these: we finally get a decent Santana/Brittany kiss, and we also get Figgins saying "Teen lesbiaaaaaans!" in summoning the two to his office.

But on the musical side, this episode was mostly ruined for the same reason that it always is: good lord the performances can be boring. That's not a knock on the singers, they do a fine job with these songs, and though Amber Riley is no Whitney Houston, she performs "I Will Always Love You" nicely.

However, the show seems so afraid to enter any kind of fantasy that it is completely unwilling to set a musical performance anywhere other than in the choir room or the auditorium. I don't care how good the singers are, I just don't want to watch five people sing songs in the choir room each week and look at everyone's forced reactions. It's incredibly boring. This is a musical on television! We can suspend our disbelief! You have the entirety of time and space to set these performances, so why do the choir room EVERY SINGLE TIME? Even when we break for a moment during "I Will Always Love You" into fantasy, we just go TO THE AUDITORIUM, the second most boring place to perform. Take a tip from your new competition "Smash," guys: you don't have to be so literal with every music performance. We're already watching 25-year-olds playing singing teenagers on TV. We'll play along.

And finally, awkward: the Whitney Houston tribute title shows up right after "Love Shack?" We couldn't have put that after "I Will Always Love You," right before a commercial break? Weird.

Other notes:

- Brittany's playlist for Santana includes "Disco Duck" and "Purple People Eater."

- So is Rory's thing that he just likes to stand up and depress everyone with sad songs?

- Was that really Sam rapping? Also, kill me please.

- The whole school was really getting into the God Squad's song. Guess they just hate the glee club and not public singing in general.

- The editing on this show is getting super choppy and quick and I'm not sure what to make of it.

- "Never go to bed without moisturizing." Classic Goldblum.

- "Teenage lovemaking." NOT CLASSIC GOLDBLUM. VERY WEIRD AND UNCOMFORTABLE.

This week's numbers:

"L-O-V-E" - Nat King Cole - Mike and Tina

"Let Me Love You" - Mario - Artie

"Stereo Hearts" - Gym Class Heroes & Adam Levine - God Squad (Mercedes, Sam, Joe and Quinn)

"Home" - Michael Bublé - Rory

"I Will Always Love You" - Dolly Parton (or Whitney Houston) - Mercedes

"Cherish"/"Cherish" - The Association/Madonna - God Squad

"Love Shack" - Mercedes, Rachel, Brittany, Blaine and Kurt