'Game of Thrones' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap - 'The Old Gods and the New'

Between some Joffrey-slapping, face-spitting, late-night escapes and a group of rapists getting brutally murdered, it was a pretty satisfying episode of "Game of Thrones" this week. Here's what happened, by location:

Winterfell:

The biggest event of the episode started right at the top, as Theon marched into Winterfell and took it, calling himself "Prince Theon" and just generally being a dick to everyone. The remaining few react to the fall of Winterfell in different ways: Bran just concedes defeat, Maester Luwin gives a bit of attitude but attempts to play the part of a new loyal subject, and a few random villagers give Theon some lip.

Ser Rodrik, for his part, gives the most lip, calling Theon a coward and spitting in his face. It's a satisfying moment, but it will prove to be Rodrik's last: Theon sentences him to death and beheads him in the square. Horrifyingly, it takes him a few hacks to do so, but then again, Theon is kind of a weak little bitch lately. As Ser Rodrik puts is, "Gods help you, Theon Greyjoy. Now you are truly lost."

He's also not the brightest: Osha plays her own hand, offering herself to Theon in exchange for her freedom. He obliges, maybe because he also saw her as Tonks in Harry Potter and had a huge crush on her. Who didn't? Well, if you didn't, then you must not have enjoyed the full-frontal nudity from Natalia Tena. You liar.

She's after a bit more than her freedom, though, as she sneaks out in the night and gets the young Starks out of there with her. Sadly, she doesn't also murder Theon in his sleep. Shame.

North of the Wall:

Jon Snow is off on his raiding mission with Qhorin, which they execute with ease. Jon manages to take one prisoner alive, a girl named Egret. The rest of the squad heads off and leaves him to kill her, which of course he doesn't, because he's Jon Snow. Sigh. You're terrible at this, Jonny boy.

She escapes of course, so he runs her down and ties her up, dragging her with him while he attempts to find the squad, who are now long gone. They huddle for warmth at night, and Egret does a little grinding to get in Jon's head. She must know about that oath of celibacy, I guess.

Stark Camp:

Love is in the air for the Stark boys, I guess, as Robb runs into Talisa the super-hot medic. More banter ensues, which is awkwardly interrupted by the returning Catelyn, who reminds Robb that he is promised to one of Lord Frey's daughters. Poor chap.

Shortly after, Robb is informed of the fall of Winterfell, but is convinced to send a force rather than march his way back himself. Probably a good idea, since Theon has what, six guys there right now?

Harrenhal:

Arya is still Tywin Lannister's cup bearer, and Tywin is still completely oblivious as to who she is, despite the fact that she keeps dropping hints (like the fact that she can read). Less oblivious would be Baelish, who saw Arya while she was at King's Landing and could therefore identify her much more easily. She manages to avoid direct eye contact in the tensest wine-pouring scene ever.

She also manages to steal an important note about Robb and battle plans off the table, but runs into one of Tywin's men, who attempts to bring her in for it. Desperate, she runs to Jaqen and demands that she kill the guy, "NOW!" He obliges. Oops, dart in your neck!

King's Landing:

Cersei's daughter is sent off as part of Tyrion's plan to marry her away, about which Cersei is still quite pissed. On the way back to the castle, the peasants get restless and one of them--the brilliant, brave soul--throws a hunk of horse poop at Joffrey's face. THANK you. We've been waiting for that for a while.

Unfortunately, Joffrey's reaction (which is something to the effect of "kill them all!") incites a riot. Everyone is ushered away to safety except for Sansa, who gets cut off and runs down a secluded alleyway. Sigh. That's a terrible move, as she's cornered by a group of men who are just getting set to brutally rape her.

Tyrion's first question when they get to safety is "where's Sansa?" (about to get brutally raped in a side alley, buddy), and Joffrey says something to the effect of "who cares?" That prompts a good tongue-lashing from Tyrion, who calls him an idiot and then slaps him square in the face. Cersei was the last one to try that, and she's on much better terms with Joffrey than Tyrion, so that might come back to bite him pretty soon.

Sansa is thankfully saved at the last moment by the Hound, who not only kills the rapists, but straight up guts them. If only he had also "accidentally" left Joffrey out to be torn to pieces (literally, like that priest) by the crowd, then he would have been the hero of the episode.

Qarth:

The events at Qarth are pretty simple: Dany wants ships, Dany asks for ships from Spice King, Spice King says no. Unfortunately, while she was off declaring her birthright to anyone that would listen, somebody done stole her dragons! Apparently her khalasar isn't much of a defense, as half of them are dead and the dragons are being carried up to a tower.

Man, if Drogo were here, he'd know what to do. Too bad he died of an infected boo-boo.

So: Dany's dragons are in trouble, all of Winterfell is in trouble (including Theon, probably), the "royal family" in King's Landing is in trouble, and Jon Snow is in trouble if he wants to keep that vow of celibacy going.