'Game of Thrones' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap - 'Garden of Bones'

Before this episode even began, our handy little opening credits map showed that we would be visiting two new places today: a creepy-ass castle called Harranhal, and a city in the Red Wastes called Qarth (not Quarth, mind you, spice merchants hate it when you mispronounce the name of their city). Here are the happenings of "Garden of Bones," presented as usual by location:

King's Landing:

Can we talk about Joffrey for a second? Do you think, at this point, there is any possible way for us to like this guy less? I'm not sure what he would have to do. He spent this episode aiming a crossbow at Sansa and having her forcefully disrobed and then beaten in court, then ordering poor Ros to savagely beat another prostitute for his entertainment. At what point did he become this much of a sadist? Were Cersei and Robert really that bad at parenting? What's he going to do next, wear a hat made out of puppies? Make us all drink hot coffee and burn our tongues?

Thankfully, Tyrion is here. He mercifully stops poor Sansa from being beaten and lays the verbal smackdown on Joffrey and his guards, even asking Sansa if she wants the engagement to be called off. She maintains her "I am loyal to my king" schtick, but Tyrion knows better. "She may survive us yet," he muses.

Unfortunately, Tyrion made the misstep of sending two prostitutes, Ros and the girl who was with Grand Maester Pycelle last week, to Joffrey at the recommendation of Bronn. Not a terrible idea in theory to distract the dumb kid, unfortunately Tyrion overlooked the possibility that Joffrey might hold Ros at arrowpoint and force her to beat the other girl with a belt and, horrifyingly, a heavy rod with antlers at the end. Ros is having a rough couple weeks.

Tyrion did make another good call, though: when cousin Lancel shows up to give him crap from Cersei, Tyrion shrewdly calls him out on sleeping with Cersei and uses that info to blackmail him into being a spy for him. Is there anything Tyrion isn't awesome at? Battles, I guess. But seriously, this guy could talk the Republican members of Congress into socialized healthcare. Heyoooo.

Stark Camp:

After Robb's dire wolf tears some more muthaf*ckahs up, Robb surveys the battlefield. We're reminded here that he's a good guy, but what he's doing still kinda sucks: wars aren't the nicest thing for either side. He is reminded of this by a coincidentally quite pretty medic (Alyssa perhaps? Names. Who needs them to be clearly audible?) who amputates an enemy soldier's ever-lovin' foot. We don't get a visual thank goodness, but the sound is bad enough.

Robb tells her that he doesn't want the throne, and doesn't much care what happens to it, he just wants the North to be free. She is unimpressed. He is smitten. Not the most romantic of circumstances.

Renly's Camp:

Renly (and Catelyn) are "treated" to a visit from Littlefinger, who has a little something for both of them. For Renly, Baelish offers a little help getting into King's Landing when he arrives. Renly is pretty clear that he doesn't like anything about Baelish, right down to his creepy goatee, but any help in taking down the Lannisters is appreciated.

For Catelyn, Baelish has... drumroll please... the bones of Ned Stark! Apparently Tyrion sent those over as a token of basic human decency so that he could be buried in the tomb at Winterfell. Baelish tries to get back on Catelyn's good side, since he has a major crush on her and everything, but it's hard to make your way into a woman's heart when you betray her husband, ultimately leading him to his execution.

He also brings an offer from the Lannisters: Jamie for the girls, Sansa and Arya. Catelyn scoffs at how ridiculous a trade that is in a war, but Baelish, knowing that Catelyn is a mother, seems confident that she will make it happen.

Harranhal:

A bunch of sellswords are holed up in this creepy castle, and they've started a delightful game of pick-the-recruit-and-torture-him-to-death. Each day, one of Gendry and Arya's group is selected, plopped in a chair, and asked what they know about the Brotherhood. When they respond that they don't know, they mercenaries strap a bucket with a rat to their chests and hold a torch to the end of the bucket, thus causing the rat to attempt to burrow through their chest cavity. Good. God. Almighty.

It looks as though Gendry is about to get rat-burrowed as well, but thankfully Tywin Lannister shows up and tells them to stop being idiots and killing the laborers. He also calls Arya out on being a girl, and has her as his new cupbearer. The closer the proximity that Arya has to a Lannister, the more "uh oh" we should feel.

Qarth:

Dany has finally found a city willing to take her and her people in. The problem is they don't have the greatest reputation: their land is called the "Garden of Bones" because of all the people they kill with false hospitality. They are about to turn Dany away when one of their Council of 13 steps up and invokes "Sumai," vouching for her and her group. Well, at least they won't starve or dehydrate.

Stannis' Camp/Ship:

Having gotten freaky with Melisandre on his awesome Ikea table, Stannis meets with Renly, and the two bicker after a brief discussion of Stannis' new banner. Catelyn tries to get them to buddy up, but they're not having it.

Later, Ser Davos takes Melisandre down into a cave, where she reveals that she's already quite pregnant, and proceeds to give birth to a weird shadow monster. No, it doesn't look like John Locke, but we don't get a great view of it either. This is clearly the weirdest thing that has happened on this show... I can buy dire wolves and dragons all day, but we're getting into some serious sorcery here. Then again, Melisandre is the first person on this show to really claim to be a sorceress, so it makes sense.

So: Gendry and Arya continue to be in trouble, Dany is in potential trouble, anyone who goes near Melisandre's vagina is in trouble, and Tyrion is in danger... of becoming too awesome.