'Game of Thrones' Premiere Let's All Give Jamie Lannister a Big Hand Recap

It's time to go back to Westeros! The season premiere of "Game of Thrones" hit HBO (and totally crashed HBO Go) last night, but in case you didn't get to catch it and still want to sound informed around the water cooler, here's everything that happened, by location:

KING'S LANDING

Jamie Lannister's got a brand new hand, and a brand new sword. The episode kicked off with Tywin Lannister melting down ol' Ned Stark's sword, Ice, in as sinister a manner as possible. You see, Ned's sword has been in the Stark family for a long time, as it's one of the few remaining weapons in the world made of Valyrian steel. Pretty much very house has one...except for the Lannisters, who lost theirs many years ago.

So, Tywin reforges the sword into one for Jamie and one for Joffrey, then tells Jamie to stop being the Hand of the King, to which Jamie pretty much says f**k off, I'll just fight with my left hand, thank you very much. Then poor Jamie proceeds to get an earful from an exceptionally bratty Cersei ("Hey, I know you were held as a prisoner of war and got your hand chopped off and stuff, but you took too long and one time I had to stay in a tower and get super drunk and it was scary") and has to deal with the somehow even brattier Joffrey.

On the plus side, it looks like Jamie and Brienne of Tarth, i.e. the duo most likely to have their own buddy cop film second only perhaps to The Hound and Arya, might team up to fulfill their promise to Catelyn to keep Sansa safe.

Speaking of Sansa, she's a little upset considering that, y'know, her only remaining siblings that she was sure were still alive were just murdered by her new husband's family. But a visit from the court fool (remember that guy?) seems to give her some hope.

Tyrion, meanwhile, has his hands full acting as ambassador to visitors for the royal wedding. House Martell is supposed to make a showing, but they send their second son Oberyn, who is notoriously good at killing people. In fact, he nearly does just that to two Lannisters while chilling in a brothel.

THE WALL AND THEREABOUTS

While the remaining wildlings are struggling without their resident Warg and with some untrustoworthy and cannibalistic Thenns, Jon Snow is back with the Night's Watch, but has to stand trial for murdering Qhorin Halfhand, even though it was technically an order to do so. He states his case (including admitting that he totally banged Ygritte), and it at least convinces everyone to not hang him yet.

ESSOS

First off, Danaerys' dragons have now become teenage dragons, and are doing teenage dragon things like snapping at her and smoking pot in their bedrooms and being all like "shut up mom I'm going to the MALL." Secondly, we have a new guy playing Daario Naharis. He has less of a jaw but a lot more beard, so I suppose it all evens out. He pisses Dany off by gambling, but then makes it up to her with some pretty/poisonous flowers.

WANDERING ABOUT

The Hound and Arya are still on the move. Here are the highlights of their antics:

-Arya wants a horse, Hound won't give her one.
-Hound makes fun of Arya for naming her sword.
-They are awesome.

They come across the guy who stole Needle from Arya, and The Hound basically walks in and kicks the crap out of everyone because he's hungry and they have chickens. Arya gets Needle back and, in true badass fashion, kills the guy the same way that he killed her friend.

Next week, we should expect to check in with Theon and his dearly departed weiner, so look forward to that.