First They Sparkled, Now 'The Vampire Diaries' Will Turn Vampires Green

(WARNING: The following may contain "The Vampire Diaries" spoilers....as well as vampires as a whole and beating people over the head with environmental messages holding hands as they jump higher and higher over the shark.)

Call it an obvious conclusion, and maybe a more obvious still joke, but....well, at least they aren't sparkling.

Look away if you really didn't think vampires could be more clearly neutered: Ian Somerhalder has an idea for "The Vampire Diaries" to birth the "green" vampire into pop culture's waiting arms, E! Online reports. If he gets his way, Damon will be bidding his kick-ass 1967 Camaro adieu and getting behind a $100,000 Fisker Karma hybrid's wheel.

"The Camaro is a cool car, but you stand behind the exhaust too long and you get sick," Somerhalder told E!'s Marc Malkin. "Damon has a lot of means to get the car. It looks like a Camaro, but it's bigger and more beautiful and it's completely green. It's electric for the first 50 miles! You'll have to fill your tank like two times a year!"

Ready the Ben-Gay and shipping-and-handling fees, folks. Ol' Ian's doing some serious stretching to justify this as being anything more than a square peg of a ham-fisted green message pounded into a round hole.

Somerhalder further tries to argue that practically nobody BUT a vampire is better equipped to measure the toll the evil, evil humans have taken upon the environment. And centuries of that will surely give him a guilty conscience.

"You have this guy who's lived almost two centuries," Somerhalder explained. "and he realized, I'm stuck here for the next millenium. I've watched the degradation of our earth and our planet, watched the population grow. I have to be around for the next thousand years, I might as well take care of the place. Plus, this car is as sexy as hell."

"Happy Feet", your raping of subtlety is hereby forgiven.

Somerhalder adds Damon could always start attacking the problem at its source, too.

"Damon eats people," he said. "It's like population control."

Hollywood, remember that time many moons ago when a BMF named Blade saved vampires as a whole from the seemingly irreversible wussification wrought by Anne Rice and an emo vampire named Louis? Well, tax issues have Wesley Snipes a little indisposed at the moment, so don't expect an encore lightning-strike this time around.