Episode Jersey Shore Season 3, Episode 9 - 'Kissing Cousins' Recap

Everybody! Hold the phone! Snooki has something to say.

"I had sex last night. My vagina is killing me," said the ever-so-eloquent Jersey debutante.

 

After a hookup (and the aforementioned results), Snicks kicks the guy out for not cuddling…and apparently that means no dinner dates.

 

Work time for the crew, though Deena is too hungover to be there.

Sitch, Pauly and Deena take too long a break and are MIA from work, but they're doing important stuff. Like trying to throw softballs into baskets in order to win a mini dirtbike.

 

Ronnie's dad pays a visit after Ronnie called him to vent about the Sammi situation. He tells Ronnie that "no matter where you go, there you are", and tries to convince him that even if he goes home, he'll still be feeling the hurt. Sounds like someone wants his son to stay on TV.

 

Pauly plans on giving the bike to Vinny for his birthday, but first everyone gets a ride around on the roof. Nothing like riding around on a mini motorcycle to cheer you up, right Ronnie?

 

Snooki is sending a barrage of phone calls to Nick, which are all going straight to voicemail. SNOOKI SMASH PHONE!

 

J-Woww calls Roger and finds out that Gianni and Jeff are cousins after a really complicated explanation. But I guess most situations where you hook up with three people who are all friends with each other will have a complicated explanation.

 

Vinny has an important mission this week: unclog the toilet. He attacks, drain snake in hand, only to find that he has no idea how to use it.

 

Snicks is taking out her frustration on Vinny…and no, not in that way. Vinny won't give her the time of day, so Snooki's angry. And you wouldn't like Snooki when she's angry. She's pissed that Vinny keeps getting on her case about her hookups when Vinny is bringing home grenades all he time. But that's all fine after the night when neither of them bring someone home.

 

Or is it? Vinny won't cuddle with Snooki either. Won't anyone spoon with Snicks?

 

Uh oh. Ronnie gives Sammi a call, and offers an apology. She offers to come back and be friends, but Ronnie isn't having it. He says he can't be in the same house as her.

 

Snooki and Deena are contributing to the prank war by covering the house in marshmallows. That's how you get ants.

 

Sitch responds by calling the girls a cab, but tells the cab driver that they're going to Times Square.

 

This cab driver is awesome.

 

The guys, meanwhile, are waiting for Sitch to get ready, but bolt when he takes too long. Operation "ditch the Sitch" is on. It lacks the finesse of Sitch's prank, but it's a prank nonetheless. So Sitch has a nice meal with himself and his imaginary housemates.

 

The girls are freaking out in the cab, and somehow just now realized where they are. But the Meatballs makes the best of any situation, so the girls turn the cab into a party cab.

 

Sitch says that the girls "defy the law of intelligence". Ah, yes. I believe he's referring to Newton's Third Law of Intelligence, which states that if you're in a cab for two hours, you should realize that you're not going where you thought you were going. Newton's Fourth Law of Intelligence  is an equation to determine if you're dumb enough to be on "Jersey Shore".

 

Cliffhanger ending, yo. Sammi's back!