Episode 'The Bachelorette' Season 7, Episode 7 - 'Farewell, Asia . . . Let's Go Home' Recap

There are times that "The Bachelorette" can be pretty brutal watching.

In those times, it's really hard for me to tell whether it's because I'm not sure how more contestants haven't gone Mickey's high road and decided they're above the crap this oblivious bint is putting them through, or because spending this much time with Ashley Hebert could make anyone think prison sodomy wouldn't be so bad.

Other times, though, I just see what some otherwise decent gentleman go through only to face disappointment in the end, and just hope that something good came from all of it eventually.

It's down to six this week, and the "American Idiot: Asiatour" is making one last stop before the serious business of hometown dates starts next week - Asia's Hidden Jewel, Taiwan. Ashley is starting out this week feeling footloose and fancy-free, ready for a fresh start of good times and great memories, "Putting the past in the past and starting anew."

Six Remain

Ashley makes it clear that all six are there for a reason. Ryan, for example, gives Ashley a feeling of safety, and has an ever-present energy that she feeds off.

Lucas, meanwhile, is just a genuine down-home Southern gentleman who's comfortable in his own skin.

Ames fascinates her with his whole uniquely sweet and intelligent personality.

Ben F. is not only easy on her eyes, but keeps her in stiches, too.

Constantine. . . well, looks like Ben F.'s big brother, is easy to talk to, handsome and funny.

And last but most certainly not least, she has a constant comfortable, secure feeling when she's with J.P.

"They're all really excited to be here, and that means so much to me," said Ashley.

Now, I can't read Moroncso well, but I speak it just well enough to translate what that means in Human Being Who Wasn't Born Yesterday: "What fun would gobbling these hearty men's spirits like Bon-Bons be if I didn't inflate them with succulent, delicious hopes and dreams first? The perpetual stoking of their psychological needling and occasional physical abuse acts as a tenderizer the more it beats down upon their psyches. It's a good thing."

Chris Harrison greets the fellows and reminds them that the games changes this week. Three men face one-on-one dates, with no roses on the line. The only rose awarded gets doled out during a three-on-one date. Six men enter, four men go on.

Of all people, J.P. is starting to crack a little.

"I don't want other guys to go on dates with her," J.P. tells us. His connection is getting so strong with the Dental Dumbass, that the Green-Eyed Monster has apparently decided it's feeding time. Omnom nom.

Really, now?

Huh. It's worth noting that we're now an inning into this game, and Ashley is . . . nope. Nope. I know the rule. You don't mention it. When it's happening you DO NOT mention it, or the jinx becomes a mortal lock. Moving on . . .

Constantine is batting lead-off with the first one-on-one, and it's a steam-engine train tour to a little village outside Taiwan's capital of Taipei for the beautiful Sky Lantern Festival. When they arrive and get themselves a lantern on which to write their "love wish" on both sides, they start with some adorable one-ups-manship.

"Let's wish for love!"

"Oh yeah? Well, I'll see your love, and raise you marriage!"

"Yeah? Well, I'll see your marriage, and re-raise you FAMILY!"

"Oh yeah? Well . . . wait, can I double-down?"

"Go fish."

OK, OK, so it didn't go like THAT.

Meanwhile, back at the Resort Suite Of Justice . . .

Ben F. is keeping himself plenty busy taking up Blake's mantel of bitching that nobody likes Ryan when he's distracted from the cries of catty man-ovaries by the arrival of his date card: "Let's spend a gorges day in Taiwan."

This would normally be the part where I'd ask who writes these things. Not now. I absolutely believe she comes up with these herself.

So it's time for "Ben And Ashley II: Electric Boogaloo," and it's kicking off with Ben and Ashley donning a couple helmets for a scooter tour through the mountains of Taipei's Taroko Forest. I'd make a joke about Ashley needing a helmet and a short-bus window to lick, but Ben beats me to it by calling them Harry and Lloyd.

Hey, Ben, it's one thing for me to insinuate she's a dimwit. I'm not trying to bed her. Then again, I do count at least two instances when Ashley's concept of conversation is apparently reduced to "Wheeeeee!" while they're riding.

Ben's feeling so much "happier than he's been in a long time" that he keeps stealing little glances back at Ashley, who says she's feeling very protected.

"Eyes on the road," she at one point quips to Ben.

"Hard to, when there's such precious cargo behind me."

"You're such a sweet-talker!"

"D'aww, I wuv  you, Itty-Bitty Boobies!"

"I wuv you, Floppy-Woppy Hair! WHEEEE!"

Go on, guess which part of that I made up.

The next morning, there's something missing among the boys: Ben. Also, a little bit of J.P.'s dignity as he stews on the couch that the two never came back from dinner at the Silks Palace Hotel, where Ashley said she’s “starting to see (Ben) as her boyfriend.”

“I don’t give a f***,” J.P. says convincingly with a clenched jaw. When Ben finally returns, he informs the guys that “nothing physical” went down, just as J.P. is storming off again, proclaiming the whole experience a “total mind-f*** having to share her with other guys.”

Ah, but it’s now group-date time. This is historically when Ashley’s total ignorance of what might or might not end badly really shines like a soaked turd floating in the punch bowl.

This week? They’re all taking wedding photos.

“I think everybody’s going to have a lot of fun with this,” Ashley squeaks.

Folks, there are some times that nothing I could say could possibly do something stupid that she says justice. There are times when my voice alone just doesn’t carry. Fortunately, there is a man who can always seemingly say what no mere mortal man could ever get across. Ladies and gentlemen, I now turn you over, briefly, to Official Special “Bachelorette” Psychologist . . . . George Takei. Doctor, your analysis?

Well-said.

When they arrive for the shoot, it’s apparent that humiliation feeds a dark need of this woman’s. She’s hand-selected each man’s duds. Lucas gets to wear a full-length gold . . . . um . . . . it’s . . . . a dress.

He complained later, and tried to say that it’s a “long shirt.” No. I have a Texas Tech T-shirt I work out in sometimes that goes down to my hips. That’s a “long shirt.” When a garment extends from the neck, down to the ankles, and doesn’t include a waist-tie like a robe, that is a DRESS.

Ames? That poor yutz. J.P. described the powder-blue tux with feathers he was stuck with as making him look like “the offspring of an ostrich and Elton John.”

J.P., meanwhile? He gets to look James Bond swank in a nice black tuxedo. Still, he proclaims, “Group dates f***ing suck.”

Ashley doesn’t really get what Lucas’ problem with his pretty gown is. She apparently thought – I am not making this up, either – that it would perfectly suit a traditional Southern gentleman.

Our special guest has stepped out for a moment. But there’s another doctor in the house with some thoughts. Doctor?

Thank you, Doctor.

All throughout, J.P. is once more fuming. And who in their right mind could blame him? He’s watching his dream woman shooting bride-and-groom wedding photos right in front of him! He’d later tell Ashley that the shoot actually was driving him “crazy.”

“Like a bad crazy?”

Has there ever been a season when all remaining contestants just said “F*** it” and left?

Still, his honesty that it irked him tells Ashley just how much she apparently means to him. That’s, somehow, enough to get him the rose.

Now, we’re most of the way in and she still hasn’t . . . nope, not saying it. NOT. SAYING. IT. Won’t jinx it.

Meantime . . . it’s time for Ryan to finally get his long-awaited one-on-one date. It didn’t go as he’d hoped. In fact, this is just kind of heart-breaking.

Ryan and Ashley spend an afternoon touring an ornate temple, filling with praying villagers and even a graceful Tai Chi class. As they’re chatting, I recognized that look on Ashley’s face. There was no dreaminess, no hope. Every so often, she just couldn’t look plucky, energetic Ryan in the eye. She tells us that as much as he’s everything she should be looking for in a man . . . there’s just nothing there. She feels not a trace of what she’d hoped she would when he won the First-Impression Rose. But onward she goes, patiently listening to his passion for his business, his enthusiasm for Ashley meeting his family soon and his genuine affection for her.

Then over a picnic lunch, she has to do it. She breaks it to him that she doesn’t want to put him through the rose ceremony when her heart and mind have been made up all afternoon. The look on Ryan’s face, I can’t lie, breaks my heart a little because it hearkens back to a place I’ve been recently. So this time, I’m just going to let the video tell the story.

Finally, it’s Rose Ceremony time . . . and Ashley has decided that she’s skipping the cocktail party. In a rare decisive moment, she doesn’t need another thought about who she’s sending home. Constantine gets his rose. Ben F. is also sticking around. And finally . . . .

Ames.

In a rare moment of class, Ashley actually sees Lucas out the door. She tells him it wasn’t an easy decision, and tells us she hopes she made the right one. Lucas, ever the classic gentleman, just won’t let her see his heart break, calls her “Darlin’” and gives her a last hug before departing.

SHE HAS DONE IT! JESUS CHRIST WITH CUPCAKES, SHE HAS DONE IT! Ashley Hebert has pitched a No-Bentley! One whole episode, not one single reference!!!