Episode 'The Bachelorette' Season 7, Episode 5 - Ashley Hebert Is Hazardous To Your Health Recap

It’s a confusing time on “The Bachelorette.” It’s a confusing time to recap “The Bachelorette.”

It’s confusing for both the contestants – narrowed this week to an elite eight fellows – and for the lovely Miss Ashley Hebert, because she’s rambled on about departed douche Bentley Williams so frequently these past two weeks, that I’m Beta-testing the “Bachelorette Drinking Game.”

The rules are so simple: take a drink every time she starts mooning over that clown-shoe again, and do a shot every time she does it when in the presence of another of the remaining suitors. In my case, it’s the only way to guarantee that I will be puking a river by each week’s Rose Ceremony because I’m actually digging this train-wreck.

It’s confusing to recap each episode because after this week, Bentley is starting to look like the sane one for putting distance between himself and this woman. This week, three men went home, one went to the hospital, one got thrown under the bus during a two-on-one picnic and it all backfired on the one doing the flinging.

The two-on-one dates could’ve definitely gotten off to a better start this week. Dancing machine Ben C. and comedy-killer William faced off for one rose, with directions from Ashley to “Guide her to love.” Host Chris Harrison added some equally touching words: “Two men, one rose. One stays, one goes.” William dubbed their excursion the Thunderdome Date: “Two men enter, one man leaves.”

I’ve always said these shows would benefit from duels to the death.

The three headed out for a river-raft tour of an Asian elephant preserve in Chiang Mai, the scenic Thai city renowned for its saffron-robed Buddhist monks and ancient and ornate temples.

As they came to a shore-side picnic, William was the first to take Ashley aside. He’s been determined to continue winning his way back into her good graces after his debacle of a roast speech declaring he’d had his fingers crossed it would be Ashley’s “Bachelor” cast-mate Emily for whom he’d by vying. Just in case we’d forgotten William’s core charms . . .

Sly Boots

“I can be the most romantic guy in the room (plausible), I can be the funniest guy in the room (no . . . no, you can’t) or I can be the biggest *Rhymes With “Mick”* in the room (conclusively proven.)”

Prefaced by the absolutely believable assurance that he is for really real not trying to throw Ben C. under the bus, William informs a visibly nearly fire-breathing Ashley that Ben C. has been talking up surfing online-dating sites as soon as the show wraps.

“Some people still have you on their minds, some don’t,” explained Devil-In-Her-Ear William. “You have the ability to not even put a rose on the table tonight.”

Oh, you sly boots. In no way, shape or form will this give you a karmic rear-ending.

The two head back to the picnic setting, where Ashley announces she’s ending the two-on-one date immediately and sending Ben packing. She takes him aside and in a moment that’s more vindictive firing than dumping, Ben expresses shock and tells her that William clearly couldn’t tell that he was only joking. Then, like some Eskimo that’s too old for the tribe to support, he’s set adrift on a raft away from William and Ashley.

“I have no idea what just happened,” Ben says, before guaranteeing that William won’t be the last man standing either.

Later, the two convene over another beautiful dinner, this one in a secluded clearing surrounded by little campfires. As the two chat, William expresses that he’s really a 30-year-old, fun-loving kid and wants someone with whom he can share that kind of enjoyment.

“I’m looking for a man,” Ashley tells us, as she has to tell William that she’s looking for something more than he can be. So for the first time this season, the only thing getting a rose on this date is the fire.

Back at the Chiang Mai villa, when the porters come to pick up William’s bags, there’s near jubilation. Ryan virtually rushes the door to haul William’s bags to the car himself.

And so that goes. He started off the season with “Best First Date EVAR!!1!,” then virtually eliminated himself and then was gone. But don’t take our word for it.

“I am the world’s biggest *rhymes with “ducking”* jackass.”

For now. Remembers, millions of jackasses are born around the world every day. And as long as that’s so, you will always have to defend that title.

Amazingly, the death toll this week almost rang up to four, as it becomes abundantly apparent that Ashley is starting to grossly over-estimate just how appealing she really is. Constantine, Ames, Nick, Blake, Lucas, Ryan, J.P. and Mickey were set loose on a group date to show Ashley that “Love is worth fighting for.”

Thailand. Eight guys. “Fighting.”

Nothing whatsoever could possibly go wrong here.

These eight are shuttled off to a genuine Muay Thai kickboxing training center for a day of training, followed by an afternoon slugging it out . . . against each other.

This was her idea, folks. She admitted this without hesitation. And they all went along with it. I implore you, remember that.

So the eight guys and Ashley spend a day sweating, striking, crunching and doing push-ups and arrive at a consensus: Ashley whooping on a heavy bag in spandex looks damn hot, and someone really needs to put a corner-man’s spit bucket under Ashley’s craw before someone throws a roundhouse kick and slips.

So the group arrives a little bit later, dressed to fight, at an open-air venue with each of the eight paired off to fight. It’s minutes into the first bout between Ashley’s fellow dentist Blake and country gentleman Lucas when Ashley can finally barely grasp the obvious.

“I’m beginning to think this date is a little too dangerous. I don’t want anyone to get hurt.”

Oh, don’t worry. It’s an exact quote. I rewound it and checked it. Three times. It really never occurred to her that getting hit repeatedly in the head could hurt. Oh, the things this explains.

So it’s J.P. and Mickey up next, and now that one of her clear favorites is about to get Rocky Balboa’d, Ashley’s trepidation is creeping toward abject horror . . . when she’s not standing within licking distance of sweaty beef. Give J.P. credit, though. He’s much a much more pragmatic sport about this whole thing. He explained that somebody’s got to take an ass-kicking, and it’s not going to be him.

Sure enough, J.P. brings the heat and shows an aggression the Aw-Shucks sweet guy hasn’t displayed yet. He ultimately levels Mickey with a TKO and really sees the big picture in the whole experience.

“The Jew from Long Island just kicked the Irishman’s ass from Cleveland. Just wanted to throw that out there.”

No Mas!

Up next, it’s Ames and Ryan, and Ames' constant grin, weak punches in training and the fact he’s admittedly never taken a punch in his life don’t paint a pretty prediction. Sure enough, he barely pulls the trigger on a few mildly impressive punches before Ryan connects with a solid combination that rocks him and gets him putting up the ol’ “No mas!”

This is the point where everybody’s fun is interrupted, as Ryan leaves the ring with a glassy-eyed stare like what Troy Aikman perpetually wore after about the eighth or ninth concussions he suffered in his NFL career. He sits through the fourth and final bout between Nick and Constantine, but Ashley and a production assistant are concerned about his dazed appearance and have him taken via ambulance to a hospital.

Over cocktails later, concern continues to mount because Amesstill hasn’t returned. Ashley tries going about business as usual, but can’t keep her mind off him (and her well-deserved guilt). Blake ultimately gets the rose after expressing his skepticism about where he stands with her after virtually no time alone throughout the competition, but it’s Ames who becomes somewhat the hero of the day when he returns with a mild concussion – oh, and he also tells Ashley that the doctors officially pronounced him “in love,” virtually guaranteeing that his bags can stay unpacked another week.

It was winemaker Ben F. who got to enjoy a low-key one-on-one date with Ashley this week. Taking a cue right from one of last week’s one-on-one dates, the two spent an afternoon sight-seeing and shopping about a Chiang Mai market. The pair came across an ancient, towering temple and were so taken in by the moment, that they only barely resisted a kiss before it that would be forbidden by the local culture – instead, opting to close their eyes and share a “mental kiss” in a very sweet moment.

Later, the two enjoyed a garden dinner by candlelight – numerous candle lights, actually. Over their meal, Ben talked about how the loss of his father four years earlier opened his eyes to all the ways he could be a better friend, brother and son. He’s since realized that he wants a woman with whom he can share a peaceful, full life together with domestic bliss, wine-tasting and dinner with friends. Ashley said it hit every chord with her it could have needed to, and happily awarded him the rose, followed by a parade of traditional Thai fire-dancers accompanied by a string quartet.

The Roses

Before the Rose Ceremony, Chris had some things to discuss with Ashley. She just can’t hide the fact that something is holding her back. She admits – again – that Bentley and what-might-have-been continues to linger. To his credit, Chris tells her in no uncertain terms that this is getting to be both unfair to Ashley herself for missing so much that’s right in front of her, and unfair to every man that’s uprooted himself to possibly win her hand. She agrees, but when Chris asks what she thinks will remedy this, Ashley can only think of one thing: confront Bentley and ask him some very pointed questions.

Chris tells her he can’t promise anything, but that he’ll see what he can do.

This show is now taking a one-way trip to Ugly.

But in the meantime, there are roses to dole out. Down the line they go, and there are few surprises. J.P. sticks around and remains a favorite, as does Constantine, Lucas, Mickey and Ames. The only surprise is that the last two comes down to Nick and the charismatic Ryan. After letting both sweat bullets, it’s Ryan who can exhale after getting the last rose.

Nick, meanwhile, hasn’t much to say of substance, except that he knows somebody is out there for him and that “Ashley is missing out on a perfect husband.”

A toast, the announcement that the show next week journeys to Hong Kong, and we’re out.