'Dancing With The Stars' Season 13, Episode 10 Recap

Welcome back, everybody, to the fifth week of the thirteenth season of “Dancing with the Stars.”

Last week, stupid things happened.

I’ve been playing this straight so far, but I’m just throwing that thought out there. Chynna Phillips had her first truly “off” week since the competition started, getting visibly lost mid-tango, and as a result is no longer with us.

Meanwhile, a truckload of cheese apparently jackknifed outside Chaz Bono’s home, he and Lacey Schwimmer slathered their routine in it, and the pair survives another week as the concept of scoring this contest with judges looks so inconsequential, Len could whip out an iPad and start playing “Angry Birds” mid-dance without it really surprising me.

But that was then. This is 80s Week. May God help us all.

We got something different this week that somewhat answers my railing against this show even having judges: a segment before each couple’s training package and routine highlighting what one of the three judges sees as each couple’s saving graces and strengths, or potentially crippling weaknesses. Hope Solo and Maksim Chmerkovskiy got the microscope treatment first from Carrie Ann, who said that Solo has all the drive and more than enough athleticism to make her a threat on paper to take the Mirrorball.

She unfortunately (and a little surprisingly) lacks the one thing any woman with the trim Solo’s natural sex-appeal: femininity in her movements. Focus on that with their tango this week, Carrie Ann suggested, and she and Maks could overcome a “love-hate” relationship and go a long, long way.

“Of course, we’re working hard,” Solo said. “There’s no way you could put together a dance in four days, come out with that much confidence, get triple-8s and not be working hard.”

True to form, the technique faltered somewhat in rehearsal, but where the two really came to blows was over character. Maks repeatedly walked Len’s Week Four line and told the World Cup soccer goalie she put no feeling into his choreographed movements. Solo often responded by stomping around, cursing and fighting Maks almost every step of the way.

“Performing is in Hope’s DNA. She just doesn’t want to admit that it’s there,” Maks said.

As they haven’t so far, the pair’s “Livin’ On A Prayer” tango didn’t miss a beat. But its movements lacked a certain “snap” Len was expecting.

“The tango is about action and reaction,” Len reminded Maks. “Hope, you were too fileted and willowy. There was no strength in you. Having said that, I like the aggression and the attack that you put into it.”

Bruno begged to differ.

“I think you got the 80s super-bitch down to a ‘T’,” he told Solo. “You were strong, sexy and powerful.”

Nevertheless, it was another week of straight-8s for a 24.

Bruno admitted straight off the bat that Carson Kressley has the “Dancing with the Stars” X-factor in spades: personality. He’s “Mr. Personality,” in fact, Bruno praised.

“Carson has managed to produce some of the most memorable moments this season,” Bruno said. “He’s gotten away with poor technique up to now.”

It’s rehearsal time, and y’know . . . if Bono wants to ham it up lay on the thick “likable underdog” sauce to mask the fact that tectonic plates move with more ease and technical precision than he does, why shouldn’t the former “Queer Eye” guy get his Wham! on? Let George Michael ring!

Kressley and partner Anna Trebunskaya soaked a moment in the disbelief that for another week running, fans sent a promising pair packing.

“If someone had told me that I’d be here and Chynna Phillips would be going home, I’d be like ‘Whatchu talkin’ ‘bout Willis?’” Kressley remarked. “I am scared about having a bad week, because if you have a bad week, you go home.”

It doesn’t even always take a “bad” week, guy.

“You’re the heart and entertainment of this competition. Without you, this show would be not quite this exciting,” Anna praised her partner.

Their “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” jive was . . . well . . . it was Carson, alright. Pom-poms and Trebunskaya’s minimal not-quite-a-“skirt” flew every which way, and the duo rocked out like a couple slumber-partying gal pals. Sure, Kressley’s dancing lacks polish every bit as much as *ahem* any couple scraping the bottom of the barrel at this point, but playing the crowd-pleaser card has carried the pair just about every week so far. Why walk away from an ATM that’s spitting out money?

So naturally, Bruno landed on them with both feet with a critique so epic, I must give it word-for-word. My own would fail me.

“That was loopier than a Looney Tune!” Bruno said, just to get warmed up. “You went from shell-shocked in a sweat-suit, to an insane Toni Basil backup dancer. You managed to squeeze so much wackiness out of a really minimal jive that it’s almost impossible to achieve. This is one again a crowning achievement in madness.”

Carrie Ann got a little more serious.

“It’s Week Five, and I didn’t see much technique anywhere,” Carrie Ann said.

Oh, but Kressley’s post-critique remarks really might’ve pushed his luck.

“Well, then we’ll let America decide!” he chirped as the pair awaited their score, ultimately a disconcerting 19.

Len started off essentially dooming Nancy Grace to his “Miss Congeniality” award, praising her “heart-on-her-sleeve” honesty and a genuine work ethic. But anytime he starts a critique that way, it’s pretty clear he’s got a hand on the lever to lower the boom.

“This week Nancy’s got the rumba and it’s gotta be pitch-perfect. I don’t want to see an older lady trying to look like some young floozy. Come on, girl!” Len warned.

Chatting it up with partner Tristan MacManus during rehearsal, we learned that Grace was actually a former high school cheerleader growing up in Georgia. But she admitted too, rah-rah ain’t the rumba.

“Our rumba is more challenging than any other dance, hands down,” Grace said. MacManus’ instruction started visibly grating on Grace during rehearsals when she told him she’d rather he quiet down so she could give the steps her full concentration.

“You have to let me explain stuff before you go ‘Wrong, wrong!’ Just let me finish a sentence,” MacManus pleaded, as I then have every reason to call “Bulls***!” on his previous claim that he’d apparently been watching her show.

Finally, Grace can’t take it anymore and just barks out what she wants mid-step – pardon the decade breach, but what she really, really wants.

“Put some sex into it!” she barked at MacManus.

Scotch help me, Nancy Grace threateningly demanding that anyone “put some sex” into anything to which she’s a party is a memory that needs drowning. That was a top-10 entry on the long list of “Things I Could’ve Lived A Long, Happy Life Having Never Heard.” I’m coming clean, folks, I’m not sure I can finish this recap sober after that.

Tristan and Nancy Spandau’d their Ballet, and rumba’d their rumba pretty cleanly, but did it leave a better impression this week?

“I want to see real passion when you’re dancing,” Carrie Ann said. “I don’t feel a connection necessarily to the dance. You’re feeling a little on the drab side to me.”

Len was kinder.

“It was simple, but it was very effective,” Len said. “There was an ease and elegance about it that I enjoyed very much.” Bruno likewise added that it was one of Grace’s best performances yet. The pair notched a 22 that at least keeps Grace off the bottom but there’s no guarantee that will save her.

Not surprisingly, Bruno had gushing praise for J.R. Martinez, who’s been at or near the head of the pack every week so far. It was a little bit surprising that he could name anything the Army veteran and daytime soap star could do better.

“J.R. is so consistent, right near the top with every dance,” “There’s a magic that seems to exude out of him. J.R. doesn’t do anything wrong, but it’s the extra quality of the movement, the extra finish of the line, the extra sharpness of the foot. Because he’s so good, those tiny details are even more evident.”

He added that nailing this week’s samba – which, he cautioned, has tripped up more than a few male competitors – could put him back atop the Leader Board. He and Karina Smirnoff played off his Latin roots in rehearsal to get that refinement into his movements.

“It’s time to really step up and put those hips to good use,” an unusually fiery Smirnoff warned. Come performance time, the two whipped up one part Gloria Estefan, two parts hips, and stirred up virtual perfection. Martinez beamed ear-to-ear as the duo stepped up to await the judges’ critiques, but his hear probably still hasn’t stopped dancing since he actually heard ‘em.

“I didn’t think you’d come out and perform anything like that . . . but in the future, if anybody asks ‘How should a guy dance the sama?’ I’ll just say ‘Have a look at J.R.,” said a very impressed Len.

“Talk about hip action! You were like a loin-shattering sex machine!” Bruno exclaimed.

“Aye, papi, muy caliente!” Carrie Ann said. “I want more of that, because that was amazing.”

I’m calling it right now: Ricki Lake and J.R. Martinez will be the last two couples standing. Martinez scored an amazing 28 that should guarantee that these two won’t be going home.

Rob Kardashian has gotten better every week, and Len told us he’ll be carrying the rumba this week.

“I want to see Rob take command of that dance floor. He’s got to stay on track all the way through. If he can do that, he’s a contender, not a pretender,” Len said.

Cheryl Burke admitted that she didn’t think Kardashian would last quite this long. But now that he’s still here, Burke started struggling a little to bring out the sensual love in her partner to give their rumba the sexual tension it needed.

“You can’t treat me like I’m your sister or something, you have to mean it,” Burke warned him.

Another week, another Rob Kardashian evolution. Their rumba to Lionel Richie’s “Hello” brought out the sincere, smoldering heat from the reality TV personality.

“For the first time, I start to see you actually using Cheryl as a partner, not hiding behind her,” Bruno said. “Very sentimental, a great performance.”

“Every week, you’re just making vast improvements . . . You were totally in control of the woman and sexy as heck . . . even in a bright-green shirt,” Carrie Ann said. Len added that Kardashian, indeed, pulled off the masculinity that dance what it needed. Apparently doing what was needed was good enough for a solid 25.

With that said, it was Bono time.

“Chaz is fascinating to watch,” Carrie Ann said. “What I love about Chaz is he’s able to make the whole room root for him.” Predictably, she also tacked on praise for his working through injuries after what she considered a strong initial cha-cha.

“When Chaz gets it right, it’s remarkable. When Chaz gets it wrong, it’s pretty bad,” she said. “For Chaz to succeed in this competition, he has to go for it. I need to see more movement, less walking.”

Bono and Schwimmer started off the week with backs to the wall, having decided to dance a samba to Kool and The Gang. This would probably require the most movement of Bono yet. Could Schwimmer once more work a miracle around his bum joints and limited mobility?

“The more that you show ‘you,’ out there, the more realistic it is and the more you start to have fun with it,” Schwimmer told Bono. Schwimmer called in her father, renowned professional dance coach Buddy Schwimmer, to help prove to him that a bigger fellow can still be nimble and dynamic on the floor.

“I can totally relate to Buddy. He’s a big guy, and if he can do all the stuff that he does, then I can certainly do it better than I’m doing it,” Bono said. “This whole competition has already brought me out of my shell and out of my comfort zone.”

Lucky for Bono, this was the week he made good on the gift passes fans had handed the pair three weeks running and showed improvement. He brought personality and flare to his and Schwimmer’s number, and did indeed look more sure and nimble on his feet dancing a dance that Len had already told us most men don’t do well. Nevertheless, factor in luck: Kressley brought every iota as much energy as Bono; Kressley just still isn’t bringing technique to the table.

“That was the most dancing I’ve seen you do in all the routines,” Carrie Ann said. You mean running up stairs and throwing some theatrical air-jabs isn’t technically a dance step? I’ll be damned. I think my musical celebrating the life of Floyd Mayweather, Jr. needs rehashing, then.

Even Len was kind.

“You got the feel for the dance. The technique was lacking here and there, but what I liked was that you came out and really gave it a go,” he said.

Surprisingly, it was Bruno that called a spade a “spade.”

“We had J.R., and it’s the luck of the draw. It’s a tough act to follow,” he admitted. “But you did very well.” Well enough that the duo earned a respectable 21, complete with Bono telling Brooke Burke that he’s not injured anymore and that he “hopes his fans will carry him through, like they have all along.”

Oh, good. At least he realizes it, too.

Like Kardashian, David Arquette has made strides every single week. Unlike Kressley, he’s continued tempering his natural charisma and boundless energy with increased control and technique. Still, Carrie Ann had her suggestions.

“David is a leading man who doesn’t know it yet,” Arquette said. “If David could find balance in his dancing, look out. Part of David’s problem is that he doesn’t think he’s sexy. Well, he is.”

Partner Kym Johnson worked with Arquette to try and pour a bushel of habanero peppers into the dancing duo’s Week Five tango to Soft Cell’s “Tainted Love.” Johnson sounded at least a little surprised that learning the routine has started coming easily this week. He even got bold enough to bust out a staggeringly good impression of Len’s gripes.

“I’m seeing a whole new David, and he’s really getting involved in all aspects of this dance,” an impressed Johnson said.

Let the record show, I am not a David Arquette fan. I think he’s the example of what would happen if Jamie Kennedy had talent. I blame him more than a little bit for World Championship Wrestling no longer existing. But along with Lake and Martinez, he’s become one of the three dancers whose performances intrigue me most each week because he seems not only like he genuinely wants to win the whole thing but because he’s having fun and showing a human warmth that’s not so over-the-top.

That being said – he looked his absolute best yet this week. Every move had a snap to it that punctuated the song’s drum hits like he’s been tangoing to that song his whole life. He absolutely owned it.

“That was a tango with a rebel yell,” said Bruno. “That’s the way to go, in-charge.”

“I think you need to work on musicality,” Carrie Ann said. “I see you coming up to be a contender, honey.” If the scores say anything, their 25 says they’re sneaking up on Lake and Martinez.

Speaking of Lake,  she and Derek Hough looked to keep the lead for a fourth consecutive week with a Phil Collins foxtrot. Lake has been so flawless, that we didn’t even get a judge critique of her chances to take the Mirrorball.

“My whole career started in the 80s when John Waters plucked me from obscurity and gave me my start in ‘Hairspray’,” Lake said.

Following an epic mid-rehearsal running-man with Hough, it was down to business. As in previous weeks, Lake looked shaky and at times frustrated when she couldn’t nail the steps from the first try.

“Ricki puts enough pressure on herself. The trick is just to have fun and enjoy it,” Hough said.

“Oh, Miss Lake?” a voice said from the studio door. In walked Waters, hoping to inspire another winning number from one of his several muses.

“You’re going to knock ‘em dead this week,” Waters told the pair.

“Easy Lover” was a great choice for their number, because between her throwback hairstyle, a blue off-the-shoulder dress and inspired, fun moves, this was a the new, improved “Hairspray” Ricki Lake. Hough and Lake again looked as relaxed and smooth as Martinez and Smirnoff looked fiery and combustible.

Bruno gave a tsk-tsk to the pair working their running-man into the routine.

“You don’t need to do it. Some sequences, when you broke a hold, it was actually good. In this case, it didn’t gel and you went off-timing,” he said.

“When you two dance, what I love most is how amazingly you work as a team,” Carrie Ann said.

And Len?

“No one likes funk like I do,” he said. “It’s not really a move I appreciate in the foxtrot. It wasn’t your best dance, but it wasn’t your worst.”

If Lake and Hough are done after a 24, I’ll be surprised, even if that was a harsh critique. Still, clearly nothing is for sure, even if Lake has so far won over every crowd.