'Dancing With Jeff': Season 12, Episode 4, Week 3 of 'Dancing With the Stars'

To absolutely no one’s surprise, Mike Catherwood went home last week. There was no weeping, only cold, cold acceptance.

This week each dance will tell a “personal tale” and will be danced to a song chosen by the contestants.  Brace yourselves for a cry-fest and a whole lot of awful music.

They still need to fill two hours so they open the show with the pro dancers giving us examples of the various dances.  It’s good to know that the dancing is still uninteresting when it’s good.

Wendy Williams — Foxtrot

She decides to tell the story of the beginning of her career as a radio DJ.  Basically, there is no story.  She’s just going to dance to “Last Night A DJ Saved My Life” by Indeep.  I was certain she was going to tell the story of her sex change.

The show is called "Dancing with the Stars"; she should be required to dance.  She is either refusing to dance or her partner isn’t familiar with choreography.  The judges go easy on her during the critiques but then give her all fives.  They can’t wait to be rid of her.  During the after-dance interview Wendy’s partner said, “She danced a great Foxtrot,” and she responded by saying, “You made a great choreograph.”  Nice try, Wendy.

My score: I make Internet words.

Chelsea Kane — Cha Cha

Chelsea tells the story of a boy in a band who wrote a song for her.  Her first love.  You know, because she doesn’t have any life experience.

She dances to the actual song, I think.  It’s a pretty terrible song that just repeats her name over and over.  She’s also wearing next to nothing but I can’t get excited about it.  She’s too close to the same age as my unborn child.  Old Judge Crazy Quote Alert: “My first love, Old Sally Frosty Knickers, looked nothing like you.”  It appears the old judge grew up in Monty Python sketches.

My score: I feel dirty.

Chris Jericho — Rhumba

Chris tells the story of his mother who was in an accident.  He decided to quit wrestling to take care of her, but she wouldn’t let him.  Eventually, she passed away.  He promises that there will be no character, no mask, just Chris from before he became a wrestler.  Man, it just got real in here.

He chooses “Let It Be” by the Beatles.  The lady judge gets choked up after the dance but the other judges don’t love it — because they hate dead people.  Grow a heart, judges.

My score: Wrestlers have feelings?



Kendra Wilkinson — Rhumba

Kendra decides to tell the story of her relationship with her husband, Hank Baskett.  Apparently, his hometown took down a billboard honoring him when he announced he was going to marry her.  She claims they don’t approve of their hero marrying a stripper and Playboy Bunny.  I’m not buying it.  I think they’re just ashamed he fumbled away Super Bowl XLIV.  Look it up.

She dances to “You and Me” by Musiq Soulchild.  It’s as bad as you think.  She spends the first fifteen seconds of the dance enveloped in a cloud of fog and stumbles down the stairs when she emerges.  Like most of her life, it wasn’t well thought out.  The old judge isn’t thrilled, but the gay judge and lady judge loved it.

My score: Metaphors galore.

Romeo — Rhumba
Romeo is telling the story about his cousins’ deaths.  One was killed in a car accident and the other was jumped by a gang and beaten to death.  Instead of showing emotion, he complains about the heeled dancing shoes and throws them across the room.  At least he didn’t hit on his partner this week.

He dances to “I’ll Be There” by Michael Jackson.  So long as he can look pissed, he’s great at showing emotion.  The old judge simply says, “Last week was a huge step forward, this week was a huge step back.”  Every week is excruciating.

My score: Too cool for feelings.

Hines Ward — Samba

Hines tells the story of his mother raising him by herself in America even though she doesn’t speak English.  Luckily for her, Hines became a football player so he doesn’t have to speak English, either.

Can we all admit that the dances aren’t telling any kind of story at all?  They’re telling the whole story in the lead-in clip.

They should make us watch the dance first then have the judges try to guess the story.  I’m not sure that what he danced to could be considered a song.  I honestly can’t believe that this is the first time they decided to dress Hines in black and yellow.  Someone in wardrobe must have just discovered the Steelers colors are black and yellow.  They dressed in partner in next to nothing, however.  I approve.  They claim that the lady judge just got engaged, but I’m pretty sure she’s cheating on him with Hines every night in her mind.

My score: Thank god for Kym Johnson.

Petra Nemcova — The Waltz


Petra wants to tell the story of how the song “You Raise Me Up” helped her get through the tsunami.  Now they’re telling stories of the songs they’re dancing to?  I’m confused.

If you take a regular boring dance and make it even more boring, you have the Waltz.  Because Brooke Burke is a real pro, she asks the lady who can barely speak English to talk more than anyone else.  Petra is forced to repeat “I hope you can raise up,” over and over.

My score: 13-9, UConn.

Sugar Ray Leonard — Paso Doble

He wants to tell the story about him beating the odds for his comeback.  A boxer making a comeback?  That’s a story that’s never been told.

They bring out Michael Buffer to announce the dance and say, “Let’s get ready to Rhumbaaaaa… wait, Pasooooooo.”  Then Sugar Ray comes out with boxing gloves on and his partner aggressively pose at each other.  Then a heavy bag comes out of nowhere and he punches it to end the dance.  I don’t know what the hell is going on.  Did I mention he was dancing to Bobby Brown’s “My Prerogative”?  This is one of those moments where I can’t believe what I’m seeing is actually on television.

My score: Is this real life?

Kirstie Alley — Rhumba
Kirstie tells us how her mother was killed in a car accident at the same time she got her first role in "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan." Apparently, she can laugh about it now as that is all she seems to be doing.

She decides to dance to “Over the Rainbow.”  They start out well, but her partner’s leg gives out early in the dance and they fall to the ground.  Once he recovers, they get back into it and finish the dance.  The judges loved the part after the fall but I didn’t see any of it because I was busy replaying the fall over and over.

My score: The last three dancers were pranks, right?

Ralph Macchio — Rhumba


He’s dedicating this dance to his wife.  There’s not really a story, just a dedication and lots of pictures from the late 80s.  Ralph has had a pretty easy life.  Good for him. He dances to “Stay Gold” from The Outsiders.  Why does he feel like he needs to remind us of everything he’s done?  Next week he’ll dance to the theme from "My Cousin Vinny."

Pro Marriage Tip: Don’t dedicate a dance to your wife when you are dancing with a half-naked lady half your age.  The old judge and gay judge hate it, the lady judge likes it and yet they all give him the same score.

My score: Has he done "Law & Order" yet?

About Jeff Ford
Guest columnist Jeff Ford is a writer, performer and co-founder of pH Productions in Chicago, as well as a member of the comedy troupe Schadenfreude. Read more about Jeff.