Cher Throws A Twitter Conniption About 'DWTS' Judge's Remark

Wow. Maybe Chaz Bono should be thanking every lucky star he can that he was born "Chastity" Bono. Cher would've been the most horrid Little League mom ever.

Following Chaz's "Phantom Of The Opera"-inspired tango with pro Lacey Schwimmer on Monday night's "Dancing with the Stars" performances, colorful-as-a-Crayola-factory judge Bruno Tonioli led off his critique likening Cher's baby's moves to "a cute little penguin trying to be a big, menacing bird of prey."

Cher then proceeded to make the best argument any human being possibly could've for somebody revoking this woman's Twitter access.

"That guy has no room 2 (to) talk 'Little penguins'… I find it disrespectful that Bruno refers to Chaz as a "little penguin"…Is it DWTS or Looking Perfect Wts (what the s**t)?" her overbearing diatribe began.

"Its easy 4 (for) him 2 (to) take cheap shots at chaz! Let him come 2 (to) 'my' stage. I could teach his little arm waving a** some manners! Critique Chaz's dance style, movements etc, but don't make fun of my child on nat.tv (national television). It's not about Chaz winning! He's doing his best & he will stay as long as he stays! Thats 'show business' but, dont b (be) unkind 4 (for) no reason. Mean is not funny… Bruno's reason, pure selfishness! His only concern was 2b (to be his) usual funny animated self, at Chaz's expense!"

Chaz, be grateful that you weren't raised male int his case, because parents that went off embarrassingly half-cocked like that publicly in defense of their boys made playground @$$-kickings practically mandatory.

In all fairness, that rant makes me wonder whether Cher actually watched her son's dance or just heard about Tonioli's comments second-hand. In fact, it really makes me wonder whether she'd ever seen "Dancing with the Stars" before she showed in-person up for that "Please, ignore the fact my dancing has mostly sucked" so-called 'dance' to Bill Conti's "Gonna Fly Now" from "Rocky."

First off, colorful similes like that are just sort of Tonioli's "thing" -- you know, like Simon Cowell being harsh, Randy Jackson not speaking the King's English or Paula Abdul doing a convincing impression of being sloshed. It's absolutely nothing personal.

Second, he wasn't mocking your kid's looks.

He was wearing a white "Phantom Of The Opera" mask and a tuxedo, and despite Schwimmer practically begging that he, for the love of Andrew Lloyd Weber, actually learn his steps this week, he didn't so much "dance" as "waddle stiffly."

But Tonioli's critique really comes together with the "pretending to be a big, menacing bird of prey" bit because while Chaz was cuddly and lovable as ever, he was cuddly and lovable while trying to carry off a dance that has an inherent intensity about it.

This "angry mama bear" bit was perfectly justifiable when she levied it toward the right-wing loons who all but posited that Chaz appearing on a prime-time show about ballroom dancing would systematically turn children gay. But lady, your kid has shown a thicker skin than you have.

If I remember "The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People" correctly, isn't this the kind of over-protective behavior that can communicate to someone "You're not inherently good enough on your own, you need protecting constantly?"

I've got a lot more respect for the fact that Chaz has accepted his critiques - even the harsh ones - with a smile and some grace, instead of getting butt-hurt like his mother apparently can't resist becoming.

Oh, and just in case you doubt that Chaz's dance really resembled some bizarre mash-up of "Happy Feet" and Andrew Lloyd Webber's acclaimed musical . . .