BuzzFeed Outs 25 People Who Wouldn't Mind Chris Brown Beating Them

(Warning: While facts are used in the following article, it also contains one or more of the following ingredients: opinion, satire, sarcasm and weapons-grade snark. The opinions expressed are those solely of the author and do not represent the collectives views of Yidio ownership/staff, the Irken Empire, the Democratic Order of Planets, the Loyal Order of Water Buffaloes, the Springfield Isotopes, the planet Gallifrey, the Super Friends, the Justice League, the Teen Titans, the X-Men, the Mushroom Kingdom, the Umbrella Corporation, the Borg, Wookies, Ewoks, Klingons, Vulcans, elves, dwarves, orcs, hobbits, the Sinestro Corp or LexCorp. Reader discretion and a thick skin is advised.

Let the record also show that there are few things in this world LESS funny than domestic violence. But accountability can sometimes be hi-damn-larious. Allonsy!)

I would like to thank not only BuzzFeed, but the good people behind Facebook and Twitter. Without the ability to embed or screen-capture status updates and tweets, nobody would believe the remarks below actually happened. Let them now become a public-service announcement about considering some things very, very carefully before hitting the "Send" button.

Public opinion was already firmly against Chris Brown showing his face at last night's 54th Annual Grammy Awards, letting alone performing alongside David Guetta. Apparently, many people hadn't forgotten that it was on the eve of The Grammys three years ago that he treated Rihanna like his personal heavy bag the night before both were scheduled to perform live.

By and large, Brown has gotten exactly what he's deserved since: treated like the music industry's equivalent to a leper. Then came last night. Sure, most people deserve second chances, but this one really pissed others off.

A few examples? Newser.com staffer Sasha Pasulka called Brown being booked a "total disgrace."

"The story is being covered as if it's 'an exiled prince's return to former glory,' when in fact it's actually 'an enormous f*** you' to every woman who has been, is, or will be on the receiving end of domestic violence," Pasulka wrote.

Piper Weiss, who writes for the Yahoo! blog Shine, said "But ratings take precedent over responsibility during awards season, and Sunday night is no exception."

Oh, but then after the show came this, from BuzzFeed, "25 Extremely Upsetting Reactions To Chris Brown At The Grammys."

"Extremely Upsetting" . . . getting your door dinged in a parking lot is "extremely upsetting." Dropping your cell phone in a toilet? That's "extremely upsetting." People who leave sweat on gym equipment after they're done? That's "extremely upsetting."

This? Folks, we'd better hope that hostile extra terrestrials don't exist. If they do, we'd best all put knees to the dirt and pray they can't access Earth's internet. If they exist and they've seen this by now, we as a species have probably just been deemed a threat to ourselves and others.

I want to give the benefit of a doubt here. I want to just wrap myself in a Snuggie of denial and pretend that select human beings with vaginas who know who Chris Brown is and WHAT HE DID just suffered a momentary, simultaneous chemical imbalance and briefly went 'nanners. I want to believe that, mostly because I don't want to believe the two more likely scenarios: either these women are absolutely serious, or they actually think statements like these are funny.

My favorite among these - and by favorite, of course, I mean "most indefensible, even if this was supposed to be a 'joke'" - was from Stephanie Fredericks, who can be followed and called out on this via Twitter @steph_freddd32: "I don't know why Rihanna complained. Chris could beat me anytime he wanted to."

If either of the latter proves true, then I'm with the Mayans, folkes: we as a race are pretty much boned.

Oh, one last thing: please, don't bother shaming me or Matt Stopera of BuzzFeed for leaving names attached. They're as accountable for what they say as I am for what I write, and for the same reason: we're accountable because our names are attached to what we publish. The difference is, I think I give that fact a little more thought before I put things out there. Many of the tweets have since been deleted. That being said, let's all thank whoever devised the screen-capture function. Stupid people can run, but they tend to suck at "hide and seek."

I now present to you, some of the 25 tweets and status updates captured forevers and evers right here, my Top 5 Appalling "Whup My Ass, Chris Brown" Tweets. You should all probably be ashamed, but nevertheless, I hope these wishes never come true.

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