'Beavis and Butt-Head' Episode Recap, Season 9, Episode 2: 'Daughter's Hand'

Welcome back, ye lovers of morons, to the church of Beavis. Render unto Cornholio those nachos which are Cornholio's.

So, what have my favorite idiots been up to this week? Well, in "Daughter's Hand," they watch an Elizabethan drama and show the world that Rule 34 of The Internet is well and truly thriving: "If it exists, there IS porn of it."

No exceptions.

When the original hetero life-mates see a true gentleman ask of a man his daughter's hand, Beavis is truly inspired.

"I think she wants him to spank his monkey!" he explains, happy as Mariah Yeater at a high school basketball game.

Well, one line of bad reasoning leads to another. Next thing you know, Butt-Head went a-courtin' and he did ride, Uh-Huh-huh-huh . .

Oh, and whoever deposited these two watching "16 And Pregnant" between this particular bit's segments? I now consider you my hero. It takes Butt-Head a minute before it dawns on him that what he's watching is actually "real."

"So she's not a bad actor. Just a bad person," Beavis states, pointing out the obvious but in such a way that I really can't add anything that statement doesn't sum up. On a related note, I must stop drinking coffee while recapping this. I don't think my laptop can take another full-frontal blast of Balinese Blue Moon with extra sugar.

Meanwhile, Beavis and Butt-Head go looking for Victoria, a new girl in the neighborhood. They go to her house, but find her father instead, who politely tells them that she's older, has a boyfriend, and while he appreciates the gesture of asking her "huh-huh-hand," occupied for the forseeable future.

So, that's what they do. They go sit on the curb and wait. But lo! Fair Victoria happens to live next door to Tom, Duke of Anderson. The Duke is displeased by seeing "two able-bodied boys just lolly-gagging." When Butt-Head tries explaining the situation, Anderson gets it into his head that Beavis and Butt-Head are in the midst of a love triangle, not just looking for a quick rub-and-tug each.

"Well, I guess you two will have tangle, since you know she can't give her hand to both of you," he tries breaking it to the boys.

"She has two of 'em," Beavis counters.

Touche, sir. Touche.

Of course, Anderson starts wondering just what he's gotten himself into, and explains the concept of a one-man woman to them. He then gives them a pep talk and tells them that if they want her, they'd better go get her. And that's just what they do - until they run into Daddy Dearest again. He tells them this time in no uncertain terms that she wouldn't be interested, and the boys tells him in no uncertain terms that they just want the handy-j's they've asked for "in the manner of proper gentleman," as Butt-Head points out.

Well, he DID ask politely. Touche to you too, good sir.

That proceeds to land the boys an ass-kicking, until Anderson steps in proceeds to give Dad a beat-down of his own for seemingly picking a fight. And Beavis and Butt-Head watch on in amusement and reflection.

"All this time, I've tried all these things and I've waited, and I've forgotten that I have my own hand," Beavis realized.

"The answer was always with us," concurred Butt-Head.

"Tech Support" finds Beavis and Butt-Head capturing a little piece of Americana: the great, American drive-in theater.

"I'm gonna throw rocks at the snack bar!" Beavis said. Hey, someone call George Lucas. I'm pretty sure that was a deleted "American Grafitti" scene!

But along the way to The Abandoned Drive-In Of Much Loitering And Rock-Throwing - a hitch in the plan! Co-Tech, a computer technology firm, has been built on the Sacred Abandoned Drive-In Of Much Loitering And Rock-Throwing's lot! Where to loiter? Will many rocks still be thrown?

When they march their bad-ass selves into the call center to demand an explanation, they instead stumble across a Foreign Stereotype Of Much Crappy Dell Tech-Support who mistakes them for co-workers and tells them to grab headsets and get to irritating the complaining clientele.

There's no way this could possibly be worse than Dell tech-support.

"Let's try to get porn!" Butt-Head said.

See? Already, far more motivated.

Customer Number One begs that Butt-Head not make him explain his problem again after having already explained it many, many times. So, Butt-Head obliges. He just hangs up on him.

Beavis, on the other hand? Well, when a woman just wants to know how to turn off auto-complete, he just tells her that he "understands her frustration" repeatedly. I'm not sure how, in the space of five minutes, he found time to watch Dell's complete orientation video and memorize the dialogue card so convincingly (complete with the signature accent of frequent Dell outsourcing partner Foreignstania) but there we go.

In a moment of remarkable revelation akin to that one magician who went on FOX with repeated prime-time specials and pissed off many magicians by revealing their tricks' secrets, the call center manager comes along and explains to the boys' complaining "co-worker" that they're doing things right by getting people off the phone quickly - even without actually solving anything - because it reduces the workload and makes the center more efficient . . . and thus, more profitable.

And everywhere, tech-support chimps are pissed that their secret is now anything but. You've made a powerful enemy this day, Mike Judge.

While Butt-Head focuses all his efforts on getting a woman to repeatedly say "track-ball," Hamid starts getting in on the fun and steals Beavis' schtick of suggesting just setting the thing on fire.

From my experience, that's often the best way of getting the most out of a standard Compaq: burn it for warmth in December.

Between segments, Beavis and Butt-Head give me a moment that was absolutely worth the wait for them to come back: those two, watching the video for Katy Perry's "Firework." Word-for-awesome-word . . .

"Sometimes, if I'm not feeling too good about myself, I I put this song on and, like, put some fireworks in my pants and start to feel better," Beavis said.

"Do you light the fireworks?" Butt-Head asks.

"Well, I try to. But everytime I try to put the lighter in there, in my pants, it just goes out. I need, like, longer fuses or something," Beavis explains.

"You're a dumbass, Beavis."

Back at the call center, the boys are impressed that Hamid realizes how funny "Microsoft" is. But then Hamid doesn't realize that a power plant having a meltdown because they're trying to reboot into safe mode just isn't funny. That apparently just makes things worse for the plant. As the plant melts down, Butt-Head feels better about having finally found porn. Unfortunately, the power goes down, the boys no longer have porn, and the boys quit.

Too bad. They understood my frustration.