Episode 'The Bachelorette' - Season 7, Episode 1 - Season Premiere Recap

Calling all lovesick and lovelorn masses! The summer winds are back, and so with them is the two-hour season premiere of ABC’s amorous fox hunt “The Bachelorette.”

Before we let loose 25 hungry hounds, we get to become reacquainted with Ashley Hebert, 2011 “Bachelor” Brad Womack’s could’ve-been doe-eyed, dancing queen Maine dental assistant who watched Cupid’s arrow zip harmlessly past the sweet brunette’s heart of gold.

We’re treated to an “aftermath” montage of Ashley’s return to the University of Pennsylvania dental school and dancing off the heartbreak of Brad telling her she just wasn’t secure enough in herself for him.

Ah, but as one contestant would suggest later, Brad’s loss becomes a 25-strong wolf pack’s gain. Since she didn’t become “The Bachelor’s Wife,” that makes her one foxy bachelorette. That makes her "The Bachelorette," in fact.

She says from the get-go that she returned from a post-“Bachelor” sojourn to South Africa wondering just what could’ve been. But now with 25 enticing men laying their hearts before her, she promises this time that she “leaves with no regrets,” even knowing that there’s no guarantees one of the 25 will be the right one she thought Brad had been.

Clearly, there’s pressure afoot as Ashley ponders the task before her, whispering “How can I do this?” over the visual of a burning rose.

But as Ashley prepares to go from man-hunter to the pursued fox, let’s meet the dogs.

J.P. is a 34-year-old career-driven New York construction and real estate executive who’s had it with 12 years of hit-and-miss Big Apple dating.

Ames, a 31-year-old New York finance executive and marathoner is drawn to Ashley’s passions for what she does.

New Orleans lawyer Ben, 28, wants him some big, easy love. On a one-to-ten romanticism scale, he “A 15 . . . probably 215.”

Ben F. is a California winemaker with some very vintage ideals for love and companionship, looking for a well-rounded brunette.

Bentley is a 28-year-old Salt Lake City single father, divorcee and entrepreneur who wants his life’s last missing piece. However, he has one of the toughest roads ahead: Ashley already has his scouting report in hand, and the intel won’t do Bentley many favors.

Anthony is a 28-year-old New Jersey butcher who wants his cut of a full, rich life with Ashley.

South Carolina prosecutor West wants a second dance with Lady Love after losing his previous wife of seven years to a drowning following a seizure in a bathtub.

Finally, William of Columbus, Ohio wants to turn around a hard-luck streak where he’s become other women’s “stepping stone” to better relationships.

The Big Arrival

It’s arrival time at the mansion and in a gold sequined gown, Ashley is a doe-eyed, smiling stunner awaiting her suitor swarm. While she waits, she and host Chris Harrison once more relive her 2010 disappointment. She candidly regrets complaining, being insecure and just not making the most of her time with Brad. She says that reliving the experience later, she realized he did care and the final rose was hers for the taking. But though she admits she would do a lot differently now, she considers life to be about growth.

She then tells Chris that she has reason to believe Bentley’s heart may be in the wrong place from the get-go. She’s close with a previous “Bachelor” contestant who happens to know Bentley’s ex-wife, who plants the seed that Bentley is more in love with pimping his business to a national prime time ABC audience than with earning Ashley’s hand.

“Never in my 10 years doing this show have we had drama before the limo arrives!” exclaims Chris.

Nevertheless, Ashley claims he still gets her benefit of a doubt. “No regrets this time,” she repeats.

And here comes the limos. Jon, a 26-year-old E-commerce executive, sweeps her swiftly over his shoulder after suggesting in jest that they “skip straight to honeymoon.” It’s a good start, because Ashley said she dug the first impression.

William starts his first conversation with this angel who could be his to have the way I’m sure any good man starts a conversation with a beautiful woman he’s just met: by telling her that he’s had his heart broken before.

Just went straight for “the ex broke my heart,” did ya, Willy? Did you have a ball game you were in a hurry to be sent home to watch?

Mickey leans in for a kiss “from all men in America,” and though she laughs it off, Ashley hints leans back out of the line of fire.

Mickey then enters the house and promptly lies about getting to first base right off the bat. That charmer.

The second limo rolls in and we first meet Long Island liquor distributor Tim. In a foreshadowing that Timmy is not someone to whom we should get attached, he pauses awkwardly mid-step as he approaches Ashley like something upstairs had a short circuit. When Ashley asks what the pause was about, it’s a solid 10 seconds of Tim freezing his face in a dim-witted grin.

Like I said . . . don’t get attached.

Ben woos Ashley with a littler heart-fluttering French, while Ames presents her at first sight with a pair of ballet tickets, which he splits with her.

Office supply salesman Matt leads off with trying to teach her some kind of special-friends handshake. Early prediction: any ring she gets from him will come equipped with its own decoder. Score.

The Mask of Zorro

Then along comes Jeff, a St. Louis entrepreneur. He already does my state proud (that is to say, initially face-palmingly embarrasses it) by showing up wearing a black Zorro-style mask “to take his face out of the game and learn little more about what’s inside.”

Inside, the other arrived contestants are already deducing that this just became a 24-man field. As it turns out, they weren’t that far off.

Winemaker Ben comes packing a bottle of his own vintage white wine and shares a first-sight toast with Ashley.

Bentley is the second to last to enter, and he makes a bold move presenting Ashley with his just-slightly-more-nefarious entrance music instead of the much sweeter wine or ballet tickets. Already, I called her “benefit of a doubt” into question as she makes a face like Bentley reeked of expired clams as soon as he walks past her.

Constantine is the last man walking in, and he ties a little ring of pink dental floss around Ashley’s finger as a special little forget-me-not.

With the pack all here, Ashley tells Chris she’s frustrated Bentley had to be so damned handsome. Apparently, being fugly makes shutting a door in a fellow’s face based solely upon a possibly bitchy ex-wife’s gossip a no-muss, no-fuss proposition.

After just telling the suitors that she wants only complete honesty from them all, Ryan P. is the first to take her aside himself and open his heart that he’s enamored with how active they both are. From there, the one-up game is on like some amorous Donkey Kong.

Matt delivers arguably one of the moments of the show when he dials up his mother to introduce her to Ashley. Mom has advice: “If you two decide to forego your separate rooms at the fantasy suite . . . your moms are watching, and don’t forget to use your protection.”

Now, this begs a question: does she wonder what Ashley’s packing, or is she more worried about what extras her sonny boy is bringing to the table?

Another contestant brought a guitar and managed to get Ashley’s attention away from the two other (now annoyed) gentlemen chatting her up. Upon getting her outside and setting Ashley’s heart a-twitter at fulfilled girlish daydreams of serenades beneath pale moonlight, Lover Boy hucks the guitar into the pool and announces that “I don’t really play guitar.”

Back in the house, one of the ditched dudes proclaims “I really hate that guy.” This proves that the “Bachelor”/”Bachelorette” mansion apparently has an address inside my head.

The Code Word is "Fidelio"

Elsewhere, Jeff is being subjected to jabs referencing Batman and “Eyes Wide Shut.” I’m guessing right now that my hopes for an awesomely sexy crossover event will probably be dashed. Meanwhile, Tim is a jackass but at least he’s entertaining. With Jeff sitting next to him, he tosses a throw pillow up between the two like some frilly little shield, as he’s irrationally angered by people wearing masks. People are already predicting a throw-down. I could be wrong, but I think there’s side action being taken by the other contestants on the fight.

Next, Chris lays out the First-Impression Rose, which when presented guarantees immunity from exile, though for now it just spooks a few contestants and motivates others.

Ben C. horns in on a convo between Ashley and a couple other gentlemen by standing behind the guys and flirting via . . . cue cards. Well, points for a new approach.

Tim then gets his time alone with Ashley. In a moment that should absolutely not be imitated by anyone ever talking to anybody anywhere about anything, he tells her that she “scares” him and then admits that he’s drunk. Yep, he’s one drunken liquor distributor. He proceeds to then tell her I think that he sells “wine and spurs.” It’s an approximate translation. I can write in Moron, but I don’t speak it well.

Grinning like a boob, he then proceeds to go back inside and resume what is his real passion here: picking a fight with Jeff. That doesn’t last that long, because he realizes he has better uses for his time . . . namely, falling asleep on the patio. That’s where Ashley finds him snoring. And finds it funny.

I guarantee you, she’s finding it funny in the saddest possible way.

Ashley recruits a couple bachelors to escort Tim to a car that will whisk him back to Long Island, where he will experience first disappointment, then probably a hangover. From the balcony, Jeff glowers as his now-signature “Phantom of the Opera” knock-off cue plays. But then something amazing happens: he gets some time alone with Ashley, explains the deal with the mask, she sees that it expresses confidence in himself, and it wins her over! She likes it! Hey, Timmy! She likes it!

Then comes Bentley’s moment. When they’re alone, Bentley shocks her by never really discussing his occupation at all. In fact, he emphasizes much more strongly the importance of his child and that he’ll be as honest with Ashley as he possibly can.

Coming away from the meeting, Ashley appears genuinely gob-smacked that anyone’s ex would ever spread something negative in tone that might screw with a former partner’s love life.

The Roses

Back in the house, Ryan is awarded the First-Impression Rose for the positive energy he showed Ashley and his modesty. He’s legitimately speechless, but manages to tell her that the good times have “just begun” before giving her a hug.

Bentley feels competitive, but let down that he didn’t get the first rose. William sets a new tone by saying that Ryan now has a target placed on his back.

But now, it’s Rose Ceremony time. Against my every initial expectation, Jeff gets the first rose. And one by one by one, bachelors are spared. The last rose? Bentley. That leaves Anthony, Rob and Jon out in the cold.

Anthony says he doesn’t know how to feel anymore after seven single years. Rob is “crushed, bummed out, disappointed, lost . . . defeated.” Jon says he gave it all he had and “here I am now, empty handed.” He questions what he did wrong.

Back inside, Ashley and her surviving 21 pursuers drink a toast to what’s to come.

In addition to his work here at Yidio, Sleepless Colin is also a product reviewer at GeekGems.com, a writer for video game enthusiast hub GamerXChange.net, and also maintains his own blog of pop-culture ramblings at Colinsdiner.blogspot.com. You can e-mail him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter @sleeplesscolin.