Episode 'The Bachelorette' Season 7, Episode 3 Recap

And everything was going so well, too.

If you’ve followed the scuttlebutt online, this was indeed the week of “The Bachelorette” in which the wheels started falling off. A couple contestants took some massive gambles this week. One contestant crapped out. Another may be X-rayed next week to uncover the horseshoe clearly hidden up his ass. But above all else, in a first in seven seasons, one contestant’s actions very nearly put a fatal bullet in the entire season.

As we open, host Chris Harrison once lets the boys know how it’s going to be: one group date with a rose at stake, and two get-a-rose-or-get-on-a-plane one-on-one dates before the week’s next rose ceremony. Jeff was denied last week, as the ultimately-eliminated Matt cut in and cut off his tossing of the magical “Love Me For ME!” mask, but says this is the time this week. We also learn that New Orleans lawyer Ben C. will get the week’s first solo excursion with Ashley, and we learn that Ashley has rung up some friends called Flash Mob America to cook up a little something memorable.

Whatever could Flash Mob America have to do with the date? Spoiler alert, three words: Fried. Chicken. Picnic. This is a good time to note that Flash Mob America is looking into a more apropos name-change. They are now Flash Fried Chicken America. Try ‘em, they’re finger-lickin’ spontaneous.

Either Ben C.’s confession last week to his love affair with the dance floor was a well-timed coincidence, or Ashley and ABC just put his money where his mouth is for him, because Ashley and Ben swing by a dance studio for an impromptu choreography lesson.

After that, it truly is off to a little cuddly time on the lawn of a public outdoor mall surrounded by hundreds of folks. Mid-conversation, Ashley decides that right then and there on the spot motivated by absolutely nothing (for really reals!), she wants to bust a move. So they launch into the choreography, only for Ben’s mind to get blown when all the on-lookers gather around and join in with them step-for-step as some funky tunes play over a nearby speaker. Ben lights up like a Christmas tree before realizing that if Ashley will still have him, he’s in this for the long haul.

“Most ridiculous first date I’ve ever been on!” says a beaming Ben. It gets better, though, as they and the flash mob all gather round a stage for a performance by Far East Movement, who also performed the song they jammed out to moments before. Ashley digs Ben’s dancing, and has no problem showing it to a sweet smooch that gets some thrilled applause.

Later that night, Ashley learns just how slowly adrenaline works its way out of the blood-stream as Ben – sounding like he just did a Red Bull keg-stand – lets Ashley know he’s a big believer in remarkable love.

Here’s an outtake from the rest of the conversation that didn’t make the cut for last night’s episode.

Down. Boy.

Ashley calmly reaches for a little Thorazine to scale Ben back a few miles per hour, but beams at him and tells him he’s “blowing her mind right now.”

Unsurprisingly, Ben’s enthusiasm gets him a rose, as Ashley says she’s becoming more and more ready to lay it all on the line.

At this point, one of the wheels has lost a lug-nut. It’s not off yet. She doesn’t even know it’s loose. The first pothole is coming.

Next, since it sounds like Barney the Purple Dinosaur sat on a pipe organ, we can only assume that it’s Wacky Jeff time. Of course, he’s on a balcony overlooking the lawn. He really likes any place where he can gaze down upon all he surveys. He says wearing the mask this whole time has been a life-changing experience, but now’s his moment.

He pulls Ashley aside and once more delivers the big speech about “getting to know the real him” and “looks not being what’s important” and “OK, but don’t scream . . .”

OK, made the last one up.

The Mask of Zorro

So the mask comes off and Ashley doesn’t exactly look wooed.

“He’s a lot older than I thought he was, but he’s cute,” she said, trying to be polite.

It’s group-date time, with the only hint being a directive from Ashley to “make her laugh.” It turns out they’re all off to Hollywood’s most famous comedy club, The Comedy Store. The night’s objective: a Comedy Store roast of . . . . Ashley!

Oh, and upping the ante, it’s hosted before a sell-out crowd by comic and “Roastmaster General” Jeffrey Ross, he of “Comedy Central Roasts . . .” fame. And on the way over, the guys all agree that William – he of the two-week immunity rose winning streak who seemed like he desperately wanted an ass-kicking last week – is far and away the funniest guy in the house.

Um. Yeah. Remember that.

As the instructions are explained, Ross asks nicely whether Ashley can take a little friendly ribbing. He also adds, “We only roast the ones we love.”

“I hope so!” she answers.

Yeah. Remember that, too.

As he’s loading up his yuks, aspiring stand-up William starts running off at the mouth about how he’s going to make a great impression on Ross and hopefully make an “in” to pursue a life on-stage.

Um, yeah, Willy? Pretty lady? Really likes you? Here for her most, right? Right?

Right?

“I want to make Ashley laugh, but I may make her cry tonight . . . Oh, I’m going to be real.”

Listen carefully. Did you just hear another nut hitting concrete?

In fine roasting form, the boys all take more pot-shots at each other than at their lady faire. Lucas gets a solid blow in first, asking Ames, “When is your forehead going to give birth?” before telling Jeff he’s got two words about showing his face: “Bad idea.”

And . . . that’s it. Ashley is smiling and unscathed. Like a pork chop at a PETA picnic.

Ryan P. takes the mic and just asks, “What was up with that last rose ceremony, huh?” Um. You got one. You’re still here. When do you do the bit about airline food?

Ames takes a jab at Jeff’s mask that just sets up the big haymaker that follows. He explains that if you take away Nick’s muscle, you get Bentley. Take away Bentley’s looks, you get Ames. Take away Ames’ intelligence, you get Ben F. Take away Ben F.’s suaveness, you get Chris. Take away Chris’ height, you get William. Take all that away, he says, and you get some old guy with no personality.

Not to mention, a pointed cut to Jeff.

Who, coincidentally, Ross introduces as “Zorro’s unemployed brother.”

I like that, Mr. Ross. Consider that stolen. *Yoink.*

Touche, but Jeff actually exhibits a set for a change. As he takes the mic, he bends down at the podium and tells Ashley that he just picked up her *rhymes with “bits.”*

Ashley laughs it off and tells the camera she knows she’s got small boobs, and is cool with it.

Now the ball’s rolling. Nick quips that William’s jokes are almost as flat as Ashley. Not for long, Nick. You just encouraged him. But, he adds, she is the first girl with a smaller chest than his.

If it was Nick that tossed the gas under William’s ass, consider Ben F. the one who bent down and flicked his Bic. He congratulated Ashley on being “third runner-up from last season. It’s a huge accomplishment.” Chris follows up wondering if the title for this season will be switched to “Brad Womack’s Leftovers."

Bentley shifts down a gear and tells Ashley, “60 percent of the these guys are not here for the right reason. That’s because 60 percent of guys in America are boob guys.

“But her ass makes up for it.”

Oh, that Bentley.

William tells the other camera he thinks the other guys are going too easy on Ashley. Brace yourself. Severe tire damage ahead. Especially since Ashley intimates that she’s excited to hear William’s jabs after a first date she considers arguably the best so far.

“So beautiful, so gorgeous . . . so used,” he starts out. “They say one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.” Oh, boy. You’ve put her in a context with garbage. Duck and cover.

“I thought I was signing up to be with (Ashley’s fellow “Bachelor” also-rans) Emily or Chantal, then Ashley’s here. Really, who gives a *BLEEP*?”

Oh, you dumb son of a bitch.

He’s immediately the only one laughing. I’m sure all those groans couldn’t have been directed at him. Someone must’ve been watching the World Kitten-Punching Championships on ESPN 47 or something. Surely, that was it.

Right, Bentley?

“I can’t believe he said that. I feel the same way, but I’m not going to say that to her face.”

Even the douche bag thinks you’re a douche bag.

He tries saving it with a joke about taking donations to get Ashley some bigger boobs, but at this point it’s not even to the point of “Band-Aid on a bullet wound.” This is more like “Band-Aid reattaching a severed head.” Ashley hugs him, smiles a little but politely says “Yeah, no rose for you.” Really. That’s what she said.

Hang tight, folks. This would not be the most crushing thing Ashley would have to endure. It gets so much worse.

Afterward, it sends Ashley spiraling downward. She retreats backstage while the other fellows let William have it for stepping far, far over the line.

Bentley, being the gallant sack of congealed hair-gel that he is, proclaims that he’s “not going to pass up an opportunity to mess with her head.” Well, this can only be helpful.

Ashley confides to Bentley – who, by now, she inexplicably trusts implicitly – that she’s felt from the start that her dating pool would be disappointed not to be meeting Emily or Chantal, who she feels a little aesthetically inferior to ever since her season on “The Bachelor.” Bentley manages to soothe her, comfort her and get her chuckling and smiling a little again. She proceeds to deem him a “real guy” without an agenda.

“Pop” goes a hubcap.

She next confronts William about saying the dumbest thing he could’ve possibly said, then laughing about it to a sold-out audience. To his credit, William admits not only that he made a terrible, terrible mistake and that the whole roast was a bad idea from the start, but that he doesn’t deserve to stay. Against Ashley’s objections, he takes a walk outside.

“I’m an idiot,” he says.

Yes. You are. Bad puppy.

Ashley goes and talks to the others, both as a group and individually, but can’t stop feeling disappointed that instead of trying to make amends, William ran with his tail between his legs. Finally, it’s Ryan P. that manages to get her laughing again, then a kiss to set her heart at least momentarily fluttering once more. For that, he gets him a Gold Star . . . oh, and a rose.

But there’s this one last order of business before they go: she and Bentley need a chat.

She sits him down and plainly addresses the rumors that have dogged him from the start: that Ashley’s fellow “Bachelor” contestant Michelle Money passed along intelligence from Bentley’s ex-wife that Bentley had no intentions of staying on the show more than a couple weeks, only so that he can drum up some publicity for a business venture. She warns him that if he leaves, it will be somehow even harder on her than how she ended her run on “The Bachelor.”

Somehow, Bentley escapes this by simply saying that it’s not true, and that being that it’s his ex-wife who supposedly snitched on him, she should “consider the source.”

As they hug, he says in voice-over, “That was *BLEEP* close . . .”

Well, what a difference a day makes. By the next day, Bentley has decided that he’s done playing around and he’s ready to head back to Salt Lake City. The nutter cites a few reasons.

Number one, he didn’t get a rose the night before.

Number two, he misses his daughter . . . kinda.

And finally, he just sounds bored.

Oh, it should also be mentioned that in a previous segment, Ashley in so many words says that Bentley is her man. So it was pretty much his contest to win.

He tells first Jeff, then the rest of the house that he can’t bear missing his daughter (and would like to thank the members of the Academy) so he’s hopping the first flight home.

Hallmark cards just don’t say it better. Take it away again, Bentley.

“These tools, these freaking idiots believed me.

“I had an opportunity and I played everyone. That’s something that’s never been done before.”

He goes on to say that there was never even a remote attraction to her . . . or her “amazing ass” or “rockin’ legs,” I guess.

“I’m gonna make Ashley cry. Hope my hair looks OK.”

Do The Bentley

Ashley’s overjoyed when he arrives at her door. You can imagine how quickly that spirals downward. As they chat, even Bentley starts believing his own B.S. and tearing up as he watches her heart break. He even admits to kissing her neck while they hugged and hoped it “turned her on,” and that when she at one point stood on the couch and wrapped her arms and legs around him in a hug, that it was “a good position to be starting something.”

In a moment that had even Harrison ready to club him like a baby seal, Bentley then told Ashley that it was good with a “dot, dot, dot” . . . . implying that it was open-ended, and maybe they could try again some other time. After he leaves, Ashley breaks down, crawls into her bed and nurses her heartache the best she can.

It should be noted that Harrison was outspoken about this incident leading into this week’s episode. He made candid remarks to Zap2it about the incident, his own misgivings about Bentley’s involvement and how he nearly single-handedly ended the season.

“I thought he was going to be trouble the moment Ashley told me he was going to be trouble,” Harrisonexplained. “I’ll go a little bit deeper. We talked that night … I was pretty adamant about my feelings towards him. I usually try to walk that fine gray line of host/friend/confidant, but when you have information before the guy even gets out of the limo, that is beyond a red flag … She was so anti everything she had done on Brad’s season, the being closed off … this season she kind of threw caution to the wind and did the opposite. We actually gave her the option before the limo pulled up – you don’t have to meet this guy. She said, ‘No, I want to meet him. If I don’t like this guy, I’ll kick him off.’ She made the decision to go forward.”

Harrison has a son and daughter of his own and found almost all of Bentley’s comments disgusting. He added that he considers Ashley a friend and felt the need to usurp his typical role as an impartial, hands-off host. But he also preemptively denies that putting this shark into the fish tank was the producers’ doing.

“We didn’t put this guy in there to draw up this drama. This really doesn’t turn out to be a good thing for Ashley or us. It got to the point where we almost shut down production. We didn’t know if she could continue on. This really makes her question everything – the rest of the guys, herself, if this is gonna work, if it’s worth it.”

J.P. is next in line for a one-on-one date, but Ashley is devastated that she doesn’t feel anything they do will really be fair to him. Nevertheless, there he is at the door with flowers in hand and A-OK with spending a cozy night in with her. The two talk by the fire side after slipping into some PJs and J.P. shares that the last eight years have seen him in one two-year relationship and a couple shorter ones that he ended because they didn’t feel right. However, he’s all about moving on and taking nothing for granted. A kiss from J.P. magically once more has Ashley walking on air again, as she says that’s where she feels magic with him. That’s enough to earn him a rose.

Before the next night’s cocktail party and rose ceremony, Chris and Ashley sit down and chat. He asks her why she kept him. Was it the possible danger in it? Was it about taking no situation for granted and having no regrets?

She tells him she really isn’t sure, but that what bothers her most was the “dot, dot, dot” remark. Harrisonshows genuine disgust and tells her, “That’s such a ‘guy’ thing to do.” Every other man in the other room would “move Heaven and Earth” for her, and that many have changed their lives for this one chance to win her hand. The two agree to skip the cocktail party and go straight to the rose ceremony once she’s had some time to deliberate a little longer over her eliminations.

Once everyone adjourns to the rose room, with Bentley gone, there are two more eliminations this week. Constantinepicks up the first rose. Then West. Then Ben F. Every time a rose is awarded, there’s a cut to William’s look of disappointed acceptance.

And the last rose goes to . . . .

William.

He appears as stunned as anybody else.

After a hug from Ashley, Chris can’t believe that he’s on a flight home and William gets to stay after arguably the most boneheaded stunt anyone has pulled so far.

Jeff is forced to admit that his mask plan didn’t go as planned, as he chucks it into the fire for a nice visual.

Back in the rose room, there’s a champagne toast to smoother sailing ahead, and we’re out.

Or are we . . . . .?

The things I watch sometimes. For one last look at two disposed bachelors, you must watch this. I could describe it, but you’d never believe me.