'The Bachelorette' Season 8, Episode 6 Things To Do In Croatia When You're Bored Recap

Welcome, one and all, back to “The Bachelorette,” the show that thinks of the sanctity of love and marriage and tells Kim Kardashian, “That bar could be lower.”

Thus far, Emily and the Man Menagerie have looked for love in all the right, wrong and in-between places. With ABC and Disney’s limitless resources and bottomless pockets at their disposal, a flock of lovebirds is headed to the most picturesque, romantically idealized locals on the European continent.

Welcome to Croatia.

Yep. They’re headed to Croatia.

Lovely and historic as Croatia really is when one digs into its identity – really? All of Europe, and we’re going with Croatia, huh? Sure, Jef Minus An F considers it the “perfect place to fall in love” but…

Wayne….illustrate my point.

Emily informs us that Ricki is jetting back to North Carolina with her babysitter, so it seems we’re finally momentarily through the “Ricki’s New Daddy” auditions and getting down to what Emily really wants. And this week, she wants to “look for love beyond the walls with Travis,” designated token ass-hat Ryan gets to learn that “lasting love requires bravery” and Emily actually displays the “bravery” to arm the remaining men vying for her hand, heart and other parts.

 To enjoy the mutual thrill of being “a couple fish out of water,” Emily strolls with Travis about the walled-in city of Dubrevnik’s streets. An afternoon of knick-knack shopping and a hand-carved stone trinket later, Travis opines that it feels like he and Emily have been dating forevers and evers. Considering this is said about once per episode at least, I’m absolutely convinced that I’ve been doing something wrong these many, many years. It’s like dating is playing “Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out” and I can’t land a punch on Glass Joe.

Later, Emily takes Travis to this episode’s token cutesy tourist site with a quirky romantic identity – The Balancing Stone. Legend has it, if you can stand upon the stone and remove a shirt or jacket without losing balance, you’ll be lucky in love.

Apparently, the people who coined this legend naively discounted the possibility that he person balancing just has an usual amount of practice shedding clothing quickly in compromising positions and locations.

Basically, it’s a stone hanging out from a wall, so it pretty much has to be done with one’s body splayed against a flat, unyielding surface. Emily tells him they’re not leaving until somebody successfully sheds some clothing. Travis tries repeatedly and fails. Emily says she’s bummed Travis didn’t get his shirt off, as she’s been curious what lies beneath.

I don’t want to think that any human being that can multiply is this thick. So I’m just going to assume in blissful naivite of my own that she tried the most by-the-numbers successful strategy for a stunning blonde to see more of a man – i.e., she asked – and that this was the one-in-six-billion occasion that one actually said “no.”

Walking along, Travis tells her that he’s seen about all he cares to of The Friend Zone, and break on through to the other side. That’s really just too bad. About six feet of poured lead waited on the other side of that glass ceiling he was ready to leap through in a single bound. Over dinner and wine, he shares with her that he hasn’t dated anybody seriously in the two years since his previous engagement fell through. As they chat more and more, though, Emily informs him that she’s just not feeling any sparks. That Friend Zone address is about to become permanent, and Travis tells her that he understands.

That’s tragic, and I feel for Travis as he breaks down in the limo back to the hotel and wonders aloud is there’s anyone fit for him. But sometimes, dates happen this way. It’s just that doing it in prime time makes it a publicly crushing moment that’s the culmination of busy, successful men hitting their respective lives’ “Pause” buttons in a pretty expensive fashion.

Sunrise, sunset.

Before Ryan gets a chance to once more anoint himself the LeBron James of the dick dating move, it’s time for the group date with Jef, Arie, Doug, Sean and Chris. After catching a matinee of Disney-Pixar’s “Brave,” Emily drags her five dancing puppets off to act it out live.

May I just say, thank Christ she she’s not a Japanese horror fan who just wanted to stay in and rent “Audition.”

Her idea of acting it out is to just put the five fellows through her own private Highland games – because Croatia’s absolutely just like Scotland….right? – and then adjourn to compete in the 100-Cocktail Cock-Block. Arie got the message from last week’s warning shot of being relegated to the last two in the Rose Ceremony, and apologizes that he didn’t take more initiative after Kalon sucked down his own foot up to the shin. Jef Minus An F gets a kiss, but the prize rose goes to Chris.

It’s time for Ryan’s one-on-one, and he’s sporting wood just for the fact he gets to drive. Meanwhile, the obvious target on his head is obvious, and there is much snarking among the men.

Emily’s already sat him squarely on a bubble well before he starts a trend of referring to her as a trophy wife. And yet, Emily manages not to wrestle the wheel from him, throw open his door and tell him to tuck and roll as she kicks him out while doing 75.

By dinner, Ryan’s dead but doesn’t know it yet. They’re talking about what he wants in a woman, and he sticks to the script: loyal, logical, faithful, encouraging, nurturing, magnetic…blah, blah, blah. Emily tells him she isn’t down for a man she feels she must be positively perfect in every way around and also sends him packing.

Somehow, this surprises him. He tells her how sure he is that she’ll make someone happy. But also tells her it disappoints him that he won’t be that man.

Once the men are done dancing on Ryan’s grave, Arie slips away to Emily’s abode. After a dime tour, some cuddling and Arie’s open relief that Ryan can tell his story walkin’, she secretly slips him a rose.

Well, makes sense. This week, she’s sort of got two “spares.”

At the Rose Ceremony, Emily breaches “Bachelorette” protocol and decides she’s been decisive enough for one week. As it comes down to Doug and John in the final two, she realizes she just can’t abandon all hope with either. She pulls Chris Harrison aside and informs him that sending two home this week was enough.

Next week, we’re apparently off to Prague, and there’s a tease that something regarding Arie and a producer is about to hit the fan and make one big ol’ mess.