'American Idol' Season 11, Episode 16 Recap - 'Finalists Chosen'

Tonight marks hours five and six of "American Idol" this week. A two-hour results show following two two-hour performance shows. It's criminal. There ought to be a law.

Anyway, the sure things of the evening are Heejun, Reed, Joshua, Phillip, Jessica, Elise, Shannon and probably Erika. As for the rest of them, who knows? Seacrest takes us through an intro in which he tells us that 33 million votes came in over the last two days, and tells us little else. And we're back to commercial! Buy Coca-Cola, everyone!

Chase, Phillip and Jeremy are the first ones up. Seacrest asks Chase how nervous he is, and Chase reponds by saying he's really nervous. Then Seacrest says that he looks calm, and Chase says yeah I'm totally calm. Then he says it's hard to stand there. Clearly he's nervous, because his brain isn't working.

Jimmy Iovine gives his opinion on the three, which ends up being him saying that Jeremy is nice but THAT DOESN'T MATTER, Chase is handsome but THAT DOESN'T MATTER, and Phillip is original and THAT MATTERS. Seacrest asks Randy if he agrees with Jimmy about Jeremy, and Randy says he's "50/50" about that. He can't even commit to someone ELSE'S opinion.

Jeremy and Chase both sit, and Phillip goes through to the top 10. Remember, the judges have their wildcard picks, so Jeremy and Chase aren't necessarily out.

Hallie, Hollie, Brielle and Jessica are the first ones up for the girls. In the absence of being able to hate Richie, I have latched on to hating Brielle with every ounce of my being. Jimmy liked Hollie, says that Brielle has "charisma" (cough) but should have picked another song, loved Hallie and notes that there are a lot of blondes on this show (I know! I can't tell them apart!), and says that he would sign Jessica on the spot.

Brielle talks about herself in the third person AGAIN. Seriously. Not another minute on stage for this girl, please. Sure enough, she's the first one to sit. There IS a god! Hallie also sits, and Hollie and Jessica go through. Seems about fair.

Joshua, Heejun and Adam are the next ones up, and I'm thoroughly shocked at how quickly this is all going. Adam the drama queen is doing everything he can to pull focus while Heejun and Joshua just chill up there. Get ready to go home, Adam.

Jimmy is pulling for Joshua, but doesn't want things to turn into "Sister Act 3." As for Adam, he thinks he should merge his chubby white dude and inner black woman, because the image isn't working. He doesn't like Heejun, though, because "this isn't 'American Comedian.'" There are boos (damn right!), so Seacrest asks Heejun what he thinks about Jimmy's comment. Heejun replies "who?" and then mugs for the camera. Love him. Know why? Because he's NOT taking this totally seriously, because nobody ever, ever should. And I think that pisses Jimmy off. And I like that.

Joshua makes the top ten, via a creepy whisper in his ear from Seacrest. Adam knows already that he's going to sit... and sure enough he does, while Heejun makes it through. HEEJUN 4 LYFE!

Chelsea, Baylie, Skylar and Shannon are up next. They should at least have Shannon stand next to Chelsea instead of Skylar. The height difference is comical. Jimmy loved Skylar, seems sad that Baylie didn't live up to expectations, calls Chelsea's performance "Carrie Underwood karaoke," and praises Shannon but asks for some help for her in styling.

Shannon is crying with... excitement, I guess? Seacrest asks Baylie what she would have done differently, to which she replies "sing on key, I guess?" Can't fault her for honesty. Seacrest quickly tells us that Shannon is through, which leaves the three country girls... of whom Skylar is going through. Chelsea and Baylie both sit.

Aaron, Creighton and Reed are the next ones up, and when Seacrest asks them how they're doing, they all simultaneously respond with funny faces and noises. Reed has apparently rubbed off on them. Jimmy likes Reed's showmanship, but called the performance too "kitschy" and "cabaret." As for Aaron, Jimmy called the performance "cheesy" and questioned why everyone loved the performance so much. He doesn't have anything nice to say about Creighton, whom he calls "screechy." THANK you.

Aaron sits. So does Creighton, AND Reed. Whoa! People at home aren't buying Reed's crazy shtick, I guess. Perhaps they had enough of it with Casey last year?

Elise, Erika, Haylie and Jen finish up the girls. Jimmy liked Jen, but says to avoid Adele and avoid the vocal pyrotechnics. Totally. Girl does wayyyyyy too much. He has nothing but good things to say about Erika, and loves her restraint, which he thinks the show needs more of. Uh, yes. Can you tell that to whoever put the giant Coca-Cola screen on the stage? He joins Randy in ripping on Haylie, who looks to be doomed, and praises Elise despite the very same Adele song that Jen sang.

Side note: is Jimmy reading off a script? Everything he says seems incredibly rehearsed. Is he just being fed lines from off-camera? Weird.

Haylie sits, but at least stands up for herself by saying she has no regrets about the song before she does so. Erika also sits, so it's down to Elise and Jen, who sang the same damn song. Elise sang it better, so she goes through.

Back to the guys, where Jermaine is yawning. DeAndre, Eban, Colton and Jermaine are up next, and Jimmy starts off by saying he's rooting for Jermaine, though he acknowledges it'll take some creativity to make him work in this venue. He also loves DeAndre's potential, but says he needs a coach. As for Eban, who ALSO sang an Adele song, Jimmy loves his potential too, but doesn't think he's "ready for primetime." For Colton, Jimmy tells him to "take it slow."

To the contestants for comments, which involves a simple "wow" from Colton and the phrase "oh my gosh mom" from Eban. DeAndre sits, and huffily ties up his hair as he does so. Colton gets Seacrested for a second, but ends up going through. And finally, Jermaine is the last one to go through, while Eban sits.

So now, the judges choose their six that they want to have sing for the three wild card spots. The first one is Jen, who launches into "Oh! Darling" and labors through through every note. This is exactly what Jimmy was talking about: the flashiness is no replacement for actual soul. This song has tons of soul, and none of it is there... just a lot of high notes and embellishments on almost every single note of the song. It's flashy, yes, but not really the best approach to the song.

Jeremy's up next, and apparently learned nothing from Chelsea's performance as he chooses a Carrie Underwood song. He sings fine, but the most entertaining parts of the song are the camera getting hit by something and Baylie nodding at the performance as if to say, "yes, that is a song." Jeremy breaks into tears as he finishes, which will totally work on Jennifer. Yep, she's crying. Say hello to one of the wild cards.

For some ungodly reason, the judges call Brielle up to sing again, and we cue up the 50th SONOFABITCHIN ADELE SONG IN THE LAST THREE DAYS. She hacks and growls her way through "Someone Like You," and can't seem to decide on a style. The whole thing makes me want to hurl a bit. The crowd goes nuts, but thank the lord, Steven and Randy both admit it was pitchy and she's in trouble. THANK you.

The next to sing is DeAndre, who chooses the usually low and smoky "Georgia," which seems counter to his style, but I'm sure he'll reach up there for the high notes. Yep, there they are. But as usual, he spends too much time wavering between the high and low registers.

Erika is up next, and says "This is so serious," and then sings "Edge of Glory." Once again, she's pretty good, the maturity and poise shows here. The judges have nothing but praise.

So we see the first group that is definitely going home, which includes everyone except Reed. Adam is crying, of course. Reed is the next one to sing, and removes his shirt before starting "Use Me" by Bill Withers. He proceeds to have some kind of fit on stage. There are a couple of good moments, but it's mostly just very unfocused. At least the guy knows how to perform, though.

Finally, down to the picks: Randy is blessedly quick to name Erika as the first one to make it through. One step closer to saying goodbye to Brielle forever, everyone! Jennifer, of course, chooses Jeremy to go through. Jeremy cries again, and then runs over and gives Jennifer a hug. That just leaves Steven, who goes with DeAndre. How about that? No Jen, and no Reed. Crazy.

So, here's the official Top 13:

Phillip Phillips
Heejun Han
Jeremy Rosado
Colton Dixon
DeAndre Brackensick
Jermaine Jones
Shannon Magrane
Elise Testone
Skylar Laine
Erika Van Pelt
Jessica Sanchez
Hollie Cavanagh

Do you have a favorite going forward?