'American Idol' Season 11, Episode 15 Recap - 'Semifinalist Girls Perform'

Seacrest asks us if one of these ladies is the first female winner in the past five seasons. I say, matter-of-factly, to my television, "probably not." With all the character that's on the guys' side, how can one of this homogeneous mixture of females shine enough to win?

Chelsea Sorrell will start things off, as they'll probably spread out the country gals to make them a little easier to stomach. Thanks, "American Idol!" Chelsea comes bouncing out, cleavage akimbo, singing some country song or another. Suddenly I don't mind as much if she ends up sticking around.

The judges don't love it! It was a Carrie Underwood song I guess, and Randy says that it might not have been the best choice. JLo says it sounded a little nasally, but blames it on the nerves of going first. Steven says to watch her phrasing. BRUTAL.

Chelsea has this kinda annoying, cutesy way of talking, which makes me wonder why JLo was so surprised about the nasally tone. Also, now I want her gone. I don't care about her cleavage anymore.

Erika Van Pelt is from Rhode Island, and apparently spends her time riding minibikes. She sings "What About Love" and I feel like we haven't heard her sing yet. This is because she's pretty good, and I don't remember hearing anyone particularly good on the female side. She has a mature, polished style that's nice to listen to. Not particularly unique, but solid.

The judges love it! Jennifer wanted Erika to push it further. That's about the only criticism that passes their lips on this one. Nothing, after that EVISCERATION of Chelsea?

Jen Hirsh has a poodle and her family owns a vineyard. Don't these people know that they need a tragedy to get them to win? Jen sings some Adele for us, and thankfully it's not "Rolling in the Deep" or "Somebody Like You." It's fine. There are high notes.

The judges love it! Steven actually says "there was some trouble at the end with that last little itty-bitty thing." GOD FORBID you say something negative.

Brielle Von Hugel is a cheerleader from Staten Island. How long will it take before her awful mother shows up? Ah, roughly one minute. Thankfully, her time is short. Brielle launches into "Sittin' On the Dock of the Bay," starting off sitting on the stage with the boys, who are nice to pretend to care. Brielle sings fine, but she has this oversexed attempt at seduction when she sings that just comes across as a 17-year-old who shouldn't be attempting to be that kind of sultry. It just does not work.

The judges love it! Randy's like "yo!"

Hallie Day is up next, and plays up her waitressing. She has the right idea: small house in Baltimore, focusing on family. The humility makes up for her personality, which is about as interesting as watching beige paint dry. Fortunately, Hallie knows how to phrase a song, as she launches into "Feelin' Good." Her vibrato does tend to edge her off the note for a split second though.

The judges love it! They note how beautiful and classic she is, and JLo calls her a star. Randy asks her what kind of artist she wants to be, which is actually a good question. Hallie gives a vague answer about soul.

Skylar Laine and her cartoonishly twangy accent are up next. We visit her family's store again. Will someone please buy those people a better sign? Or is that part of the whole ambience of the place? Anyway, Skylar sings a rousing version of "Stay With Me" with her special brand of attitude.

The judges love it! Randy gushes about the rockin' country girl performance, and seems happy that Skylar isn't just another country balladeer, a la Lauren Alaina. I am too.

So much for spreading out the country girls, as Baylie Brown is up next. She spends a lot of time interviewing her grandpa, who is kinda awesome. She comes out singing "Amazed" by Lone Star, and suddenly I'm back at my junior prom. She thins out a bit on the song, as if it's a touch too high for her. It's not the best performance. But hey, she looks great.

The judges don't love it! Steven says she's pretty, but he's not sure that was the best song for her. Apparently they've heard her sing better. Both they and Baylie seem pretty much resigned to Baylie going home.

Hollie Cavanagh is 18, but sounds like she's 12. She's one that I don't really remember hearing, like ever, so this should be interesting. She sings "Reflection" by Christina Aguilera, and it has moments of being impressive. It's easy to start comparing her to Christina, though, which does not work in her favor.

The judges love it! Steven says everything was it dead-on, and creepily wants Hollie to let her hair down next time. Jennifer says "do do," and Randy makes his old "what kind of show is this?" joke about it. You need a new shtick, Randy. He does make the same point I just made about being compared to Christina, though, which either means he's as smart as I or I'm as dumb as he.

Portland Barista Haylie Johnson has exactly the kind of bangs you would expect from a barista from Portland. She starts off with "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)" and thankfully manages to find some vocal range in it, but there really isn't much of a melody in that song to play with. Kudos for choosing a rather anti-"Idol" song, though.

The judges kinda love it! JLo says she hopes we all heard the special things she was doing with her voice. I didn't. She also notes it wasn't the best song choice. Probably true. Randy, however, calls it a "nightmare," or rather that he was "lost in this dream of a sort of a nightmare thing." He notes that Annie Lennox is "spot-on," while Haylie wasn't.

Shannon Magrane's father is in the crowd, and he and Steven have a little face-off about Steven's wildly inappropriate comment back at the auditions. Shannon also talks about how tall everyone in her family is. She's 6' tall. I was actually kinda wondering. Possibly out of boredom. She sings something about candles, but pronounces it more like "can-dole." She still has a pretty good range, nice strength both in the lower and upper registers.

The judges love it! Randy's a fan. They make a big deal about the fact that she's 16, which is impressive. JLo got gooseys. Steven is careful not to say anything sexual. Shannon says "hopefully everyone got the message I was singing," and then makes a face that I wish I could show you right now. I'll look for an image. I promise.

Jessica Sanchez is our DRINK COCA-COLA contestant of the night. She's worried about her voice, as her vocal chords were swollen all week. She's from San Diego and likes to shop. That's about all she relates to us. Oh, she also has a cousin. Fascinating. She does "Love You, I Do," another former Idol's song. The title also makes it sound like it's supposed to be "I Do Love You" and it's just being read by Yoda. Anyway, she gives a strong performance, sore vocal chords and all.

The judges love it! A standing ovation from them and from the crowd. "I don't know bout no doctor," says Randy, and then i instinctively block my ear canals so I don't have to hear the rest of what he has to say. JLo talks about body punctuation.

The last contestant is another one of the blonde brigade, 28 year old Elise Testone. She talks about the exposure she gets from the show, and says "I need to be exposed." Cue Randy, who would undoubtedly say "WHAT KIND OF SHOW IS THIS?" Elise sings Adele's "One and Only," and has nice control with a smoky, gravelly tone. It might be just a little too scratchy, but at least there's some character in it. Regardless, you can hear the experience behind her voice. Wait, we just heard this song earlier. Good lord, the entirety of music history, and two girls choose the same song?

The judges love it! Steven says something incomprehensible about Adele. JLo says she thinks Elise might be the best singer here.

So, that does it for the girls. Who's getting your vote? Check back in tomorrow for a recap of the results show.