'American Idol' Season 11, Episode 1 (Premiere) Recap - 'Savannah'

The premiere starts off with a look at some young contestants ready to try out this year, and the theme seems to be how a lot of them were 6 years old when Kelly Clarkson won the first season. Maybe that's true for a lot of you out there. For those who weren't 6 years old, do you feel old now? I sure do.

Way to start off the season by launching me into an age crisis, "American Idol." This isn't aspirational! It's making me depressed! I'm now eating ice cream from a gallon-sized container! You did this, Idol! You're killing me!

Well, while I've been off on that tangent, the show is once again proving how good it is at wasting time. Rather than start the show, they're giving us a montage of all the amazing stuff we're going to see during these auditions. "We'll never stop believing in you," says the announcer, addressing the contestants (and fans wanting to be contestants.

That would be all uplifting and aspirational too, if it weren't for the fact that a good number of these kids are going to be ridiculed for their delusions of stardom and complete lack of singing ability. But hey, we're the jerks who like watching it happen, right?

The first location is Savannah, Georgia, which is a good indicator of the difference between "The X Factor" and this show. While "X Factor" spent most of its time in places like Seattle, LA and New York-ish, "Idol" starts out in Georgia. This is how you end up with a final that has two country singers. This.

So, without any further ado, here are the good and the bad from this first round of auditions:

The Good:

A young man named David fancies himself a ladies' man, and claims he beat Scotty McCreery in a singing competition. His rendition of "Remember the Rain" definitely lands him in the "good" column. The judges immediately pigeonhole him as a young Michael Jackson. Worse things could happen.

Gabi, 16 years old, is a singer and tap dancer who wants to make Steven make his enjoying-the-song face. She chooses a Maroon 5 song, and sure enough gets the face out of Steven. She has a nice tone and everything, but she's going to have to get a lot stronger if she's going to go anywhere in this competition.

Brianna, Neco, Molly, and Elise (she's 28, good to know not everyone in this competition will be 16) all get through, and sing nicely, but are relegated to a montage. Sorry, kids. Hope you get more screen time later.

Shannon Magrane, 15, brings in her entire family, and Steven makes things awkward by telling her dad he thinks she's "hot, humid and happening." She sings some Etta James quite nicely, but might be too green to progress too far.

Amy Brumfield lives in a tent in the woods. And not even a very nice tent. The time they spend on her and her horrible living conditions show that she has to be a success, or else we'll feel bad. Her Alicia Keys song wins the judges over, thank god.

Stephanie Renae, another 15 year old, sings nicely but a little nasally, as the judges tell her. Nonetheless, she goes through. They give her some nice feedback, and it's good to see that they're good for something. "I won! Well... I didn't win... I don't know!" she says. Cute.

Schyler Dixon comes in sans her brother, though the two of them auditioned last year. She has an interesting tone. Then they bring up her brother Colton, who also sings nicely. They both get in. I like them, they're cute. Colton is dumbfounded.

Lauren Mink works with adults with disabilities, and she's very smiley. She gets a personality piece, which means she's probably good. Sure enough, she sings "Country Strong" pretty nicely. Pitchy at moments, but mostly good.

Ashlee is possibly one of the stranger contestants of the day, and she sings with a weird style, but not badly. She goes through, but probably mostly based on personality. She invented a velociraptor dance.

W. T. Thompson tells us he has a baby on the way, and it's a good thing because otherwise he wouldn't have made it. J.Lo believes his voice can be fixed. I sure hope so, because his wife is six months pregnant and he quit his job to do this. Hoo boy.

Brittany Kerr, who is an NBA dancer (read: insanely hot), sings some Joss Stone very nicely and gets a yes from the boys, but a no from JLo. Jealous? She has a point, though: Brittany probably won't last long.

The last one of the day is Phillip Phillips. Yep, that's his real name. He was clearly held until the end for a reason: he blows the judges away with his version of "Superstition" by Stevie Wonder. He has some style, a great bluesy tone, and he plays the guitar pretty well too. He follows up with a cover of "Thriller," as if he needed it. This guy's one to watch.

Not pictured: the approximately 17 others unworthy of screen time, but still going through.

The Bad:

Jessica Whitely was doomed from the start. Her performance was preceded by Seacrest telling us how they were on a "hot streak" with so many great singers in a row. Predictably, she walked in and... how to describe it... warbled?

Shaun Kraisman comes in wearing a suit and looking remarkably like Seacrest. He actually does a pretty solid impersonation. His singing isn't good enough though, but maybe when Seacrest gets too expensive, they'll hire Shaun.

Josh makes the mistake of singing "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz. Never a good choice, Josh, even when you can sing. "No, no no no no," says Randy. Josh cries, which is kinda sad. He's the first one to throw a fit in front of the cameras.

Mawuena Kodjo is from West Africa, and a big fan of country. Of course he's terrible. Why? Couldn't there be a guy from West Africa with a thick accent who turns out to be amazing? Seacrest takes him around and has him sing for random people on the street, then brings him back with three little girls who said he was good.

Erica Nowak is painted as completely insane from the start, and rightfully so. Steven gives her a hug, and she goes right for the ass grab. Sadly her singing isn't as good as her persona.