A Kim Kardashian Wedding Primer

For fans of "Keeping Up with The Kardashians," "Khloe and Lamar," "Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami,""Kourtney and Kim Take New York," and collagen-injected celebrities in general, today is a practically a holiday.

Pop princess Kim Kardashian is getting married to NBA star Kris Humphries this evening, and the wedding will be massive. Interest is so high in the wedding that People has apparently paid a whopping $1.5 million for rights to the wedding pictures. Insanity abounds.

Check out our primer on the Kim Kardashian wedding, complete with everything you need to know, and plenty you don't.

How can I watch the wedding?
Unless you have an invite (you A-lister, you) then you’re not watching the ceremony until October. But boy, when they decide to air it, you’re gonna get a boatload of two-month old Kardashian nuptials.

As we reported two weeks ago, E! will start showing Kim K wedding specials on the evening of October 9th, and will continue on the evening of October 10th. In total, there will be four full hours of Kim Kardashian wedding coverage, including discussion of the wedding planning, wedding parties, and of course the dress.

Who’s coming?
E! reports that Lindsay Lohan, Demi Lovato, Ryan Seacrest, Justin Bieber, and Serena Williams will all be attending. The rumor is that over 1,000 invites have gone out.

Who’s not coming?
Selena Gomez, Donald Trump and “American Idol” contestant and Kim Kardashian friend Pia Toscano all have previous engagements. Gomez and Toscano have performances, and Trump is apparently attending a charity tournament in his honor.

Where will it be held?
The wedding will be held at venture capitalist Frank Caufield's $10.9 million dollar Montecito, California estate ‘Sotto Il Monte,’ which means "Beneath the Mountain" in Italian, according to Hollywood Life. The place is reportedly a ridiculously secure fortress, which will hopefully repel the inevitable swarms of papparazzi. Considering People paid $1.5 million for the wedding pics, you can bet your sweet behind there will be plenty of those.

What is she wearing?
A Vera Wang dress, color and design TBD. The Huffington Post reported that Kim was in New York last weekend for her final fitting in Vera Wang. However, details of the dress have been guarded almost as closely as Kate Middleton’s.

What's on her wedding registery?
Among the many incredibly unnecessary and expensive items on the list are a $7,500 vase, a $375 candy jar (better put some high-quality Skittles in there), $150 ice tongs, a $1,115 clock, and the aforementioned $840 ashtray. The cheapest items on the list are some $46 martini glasses. How quaint.

What are guests wearing?
As we reported last week, Kathie Lee let it slip to a friend recently that the wedding invitations demand that guests wear either black or white. The strict dress code will be enforced and furthers speculations that Kim is going to come out wearing more than a dash of color. The bridesmaids will reportedly be wearing green

What’s missing?
Apparently, neck fat. According to E! Kim used to tease her mother Kris Jenner about her "gobble-gobble," or saggy neck, and apparently Jenner decided to get plastic surgery to tighten up her neck. She was so kind as to share her “freshening up” procedure with cameras, since that’s what apparently passes for TV these days.

How can I show Kim the love on her big day?
Go get some botox injections, put a pillow in your pants to plump up your rump and go make a porno vid to get yourself famous. No, no we kid, we kid. You can leave Kim a message on her "Virtual Wedding Guestbook" through her website.