'True Blood' Season 5, Episode 9 Recap - 'Everybody Wants to Rule the World'

So much for Bill, then.

The show starts off with the still-giddy group devouring a very naked sacrifice in the name of Lilith. Though reluctant, Eric partakes, after a little push from Bill.

Meanwhile a Texas Tru Blood factory is in the highly publicized process of burning to the ground, marking the beginning of the vampire coup.

Stealthily, Molly sneaks into a room where she and Eric can talk, and they agree on the necessity of getting the eff out of that Crazyville. But because her access is being denied at all the critical doors, they need to figure out a way to escape the lockdown.

Jessica, after her escape from the Obamas, is trying to explain to the cops that Hoyt actually saved her, but apparently in officer-speak, holding someone hostage and threatening to kill them doesn’t really qualify as nice guy behavior. However, Jess has bigger fish to fry, because she can’t feel Hoyt’s presence anywhere, and panic is setting in as she tries to figure out what has happened to him.

Luna spends her moments being a pain the butt as per usual, insisting, now that she’s not dying after all and actually pretty well recovered, on accompanying Sam, who wants to get more information. He says he wants to protect her because he loves her, shutting her up, effectively, but only for a minute. She loves him too, she admits, but she’s still going, so the two head on out to do a little investigating and dig up whatever information on the Obamas they can sniff out.

Meanwhile Terry arms himself and goes off in search of Patrick, who booked it the moment he realized his life was at stake. Terry is determined to offer a fair fight, let the best man win, and all that other Terry crap that makes him so adorable, despite a plea from Arlene.

Back at Fangtasia, Tara is using rare logic and stocking up on the Tru Blood, pulling it from the shelf, but Pam stops her, and the two argue. Tara asks what will happen, and Pam coldly tells her that they’ll do what every other vampire is going to do—pretend to be drinking Tru Blood, but siphon, “discretely,” a little extra chow off the locals. Tara realizes that the intent of the factory fire was to start a “bloodbath,” and Pam looked entirely nonplussed, but then again Pam’s face doesn’t move much anyway. So when Tara notes that she’s clearly worried about Eric and offers a shoulder to lean on, one wonders what vibes she is picking up on. Pam, in her usual moody way, expels her angrily from the room, and then spends a few moments trying to project emotion into her eyes about her concern for Eric, because not enough of her face still works for us to pick it up there.

Back at the Weird Headquarters, Eric and Bill are still arguing about whether all the goings-on are right or not. Bill confesses he is lost, and confused, and maybe this is the right path after all. Eric picks up on his vulnerability and seems hopeful that his cult-like personality transition can be reversed. He asks him to retrieve juuuust a little of the chancellor’s blood, so they can use the DNA mark on the door and escape. Bill ponders, and Eric agrees to handle Nora in the meantime.

In the old Stackhouse home, Sookie has recruited Lafayette to help her find out who the creepy hat-wearing figure who appeared to her was and what the heck the nasty thing wants with her. After he admires himself for a few minutes in the bathroom mirror, Lafayette picks up on the spirit of Gran, who hints that whatever is so important is under the bed. Sookie retrieves a box, but it’s full of nothing but old pictures, a report card of Jason’s, and other grandma-like collectibles. What Sookie does discover that is of use to her is her parents’ obituaries, and realizes that Bud Dearborn was the one who was at the scene when the police discovered her parents’ bodies.

Back at the station, Jess is getting increasingly upset about her inability to feel Hoyt, and her urgency gets Jason on board. The officers start going through what they know of the Obama they arrested, and they discover the website KeepAmericaHuman.com, where the Obamas are seen not only staking and shooting the sups, but leaving vampires in the sun to die and square-dancing over their gory remains. Andy notes the relationship to the local KKK, who, back in the day, were run by someone called “The Dragon.” So the group realizes if they find The Dragon, they can put an end to the massacres.

Alcide is having some serious emotional issues as all this is going down. He flashes back to when he, and a much more innocent Debbie Pelt, were young, and made the choice to stay with the JD-lead pack, rather than head off for life as lone wolves.

Searching for more information, Sookie goes to see the retired sheriff Bud Dearborne, whose cancer is in remission and who seems pretty content overall. He admits he found her parents’ bodies, but no one knew about vampires in those days, and it was pretty much assumed the alligators had gotten to them. However, as he’s talking, Sookie picks up on some suspicious thoughts, and grabs his hand for more information. But, Bud seems innocent after all, and she’s about to apologetically let him go when she’s knocked out, frying pan style, from a big ol’ lady who just showed up out of nowhere.

What Luna and Sam ended up smelling, by the way, is the scent of a whole lot of pig poopies, but Andy shakes off their assistance and suggests they not get involved, which might put the Shifters at risk. The media storm is already knocking on the station door and asking stupid questions. Jason and Andy confront the Obama, Joe Bob, they’ve got in lock down, but he refuses to give them the name of The Dragon, and they lose their tempers and beat the crap out of him.

And poor Arlene. This week hasn’t been bad enough for her, so now Patrick shows up as she’s opening Merlotte’s, and holds a nice shiny gun to her head.

Sookie is slowly waking up at the pig farm. Hoyt, thankfully, is knocked out nearby, drugged out of his mind but alive. Sookie tries to escape using her fairy zapping abilities, but they’re all tapped out for the moment.

Andy, Jason, and Kevin are still working out what’s going on and who The Dragon is. They try to discuss a pattern between the Obamas that they know, but all they can tell is that Bud Dearborne arrested them at some point for some hate crime or another. Andy has a moment where he wishes he could just be like Dearborne—walk out, retire, cheat on his wife and square dance. He has a lucid moment and re-watches one of the videos on the KeepAmericanHuman website, noting that the key victory dancer wearing an Obama mask also happens to be wearing some very special boots—the boots that Sheriff Bud Dearborne received as his retirement gift.

Luna and Sam, in the meantime, have been literally flies on the wall for this discovery, and buzz off with the knowledge.

Bud comes in to check on Sookie, apologetically, but he reveals that many of his unsolved cases were probably the result of supernaturals, destroying the town and killing people. In walks big-boned Sweetie, the pan-wielder, and goes off on a scary rant about the upcoming war between humans and supes. Sookie looks into her and finds out she has been left by her husband by a Shifter, hence all the scary rage. Bud drugs Sookie with some Oxycodone, and out she goes.

Andy and Jason break into Bud’s house, but he’s mysteriously absent. Jason finds a picture of Bud’s wife, who was one of his favorite teachers and coddled him in a way I still question the appropriateness of. But what Jason also remembers is that she owned a pig farm across town.

Terry shows up at Merlotte’s and finds Arlene being held hostage. Patrick is apologetic, but his wife is pregnant, and although he admits Terry is the better man and soldier, he’s also stronger, and Patrick wants to live. He forces Terry down on his knees and is gearing up for a head shot when Arlene grows a pair and stabs him pretty well in the neck with what seemed to be a pencil from her hair bun. She grabs the gun and turns the tables on Patrick with some pretty impressive foul language.

Back at the headquarters, Eric is seeking counsel from Nora. He asks why she seems so sure of her path, and she tells him how drinking the blood of Lilith changed her. Eric says he wants to believe, and Nora agrees to help him. And then they make out, because, I don’t know… two hot people kissing, I guess? Thanks for that little moment of incest, HBO.

In Salome’s room, she’s putting on a pretty sexy dance for Bill, drunk with the knowledge that she will be forever linked with Lilith. Bill looks uncertain, but as she sidles up boobily and tells him that Lilith has chosen him to birth a new world with her, he relaxes, calmed by her suggestion that he let Lilith’s blood guide him. As they’re rolling around, he sees Sookie’s face, and bites her passionately. Suddenly Salome/Sookie is now Lilith, covered in blood. She smiles at Bill, and he bites her again, before she turns back into Salome.

Back in the barn, the Obamas are making a political statement by preparing to feed the supes to the pigs. They pick up Sookie and toss her into the pig pen, but one of the pigs is suddenly Sam, and catches her. A good old fashion fist fight ensues before Andy and Jason finally show up. Andy tells Bud to surrender, but, after a pause, Bud lunges at Sam with a shovel and a cry of “Humans rule!” that made me giggle a little, and Andy takes him out.

Since Sweetie has high-tailed it out of there as fast as those legs can take her, Luna tracks her down in German Shepherd form, and smacks the crap out of her. There is a suspicious snapping noise, but then we’re back to doped up Sookie, and Hoyt’s rescue.

In Merlotte’s, Patrick is trying to talk Terry out of shooting him. Arlene tells him to shoot him, but Patrick tells him “do what’s right.” Just then the woman who started this mess, the woman Terry shot, shows up. She agrees: Do what’s right. And Terry shoots Patrick.

“Blood has been paid with blood,” the ghost announces, and calls in the Ifrit to get rid of Patrick, which was kind of unnecessary but worth it to watch Arlene’s pretend scared expression.

In Fangtasia, Pam is still moping around, and now there’s a Jack White wannabe not only sitting in Eric’s throne, but sucking blood off a human in plain sight. She confronts him, but he blows her backward. He is the new sheriff, he announces, and the human blood ban has been lifted, so drink up. The vampires start attacking humans, and Tara and Pam sit, aghast, in the chaos.

Russell and Steve Newlin go to pay a little visit to the werewolf clan, and give the weres a big hit of V to keep them loyal. Martha, however, won’t drink, and as punishment, Russell steals Emma, and gives her to Steve as a pet. JD tries to step in, but Russell does a pretty swift neck-grab and tosses him aside, reminding him that his blood isn’t free, and the two trot off, Steve happily cuddling his new puppy.

Alcide shows up again briefly, this time at his dad’s.  His father says that he’s a lone wolf now, too, like him, but Alcide says he will never be like him. Hopefully that’s true, because Alcide Sr. could use a good bath and probably a long drying out.

The fairies show up at Sookie’s unexpectedly, and tell her, without much inflection, that the vampires are taking over the world. And then they give her some soup, but that’s about all that goes down.

Returning to Eric, he takes Nora to the safe room, and drugs her. Molly wants to leave but he insists they wait for Bill. Bill shows up, finally. Eric uses Nora’s finger to open the door, and Salome steps in. Vampire soldiers swarm in with some pretty heavy guns and take Nora. Bill says he is doing it “for Eric,” and that he has been chosen by Lilith. The show ends with Eric tossing a meaningful glare at Bill as he is lead away in handcuffs.

Does anyone else remember in the beginning of the show how Bill used to be nice, and Eric was a total douche? Weird to see how time has turned that one around.

The Best Quotes of the Night:

“There are two things I try to stay away from—humans who eat a lot of fish, and politics.”

 “Being a vampire’s got its perks—the no dumping, and all.”

“No, the President of the United States is not actually in Renard Parish, shooting and kidnapping people.”

“The world’s going to Hell in a handbucket.”

“You don’t look like a Sweetie.”

“All the law ever gave me was cancer in my ass and a sexless marriage.”

 “I’ve never had a pet. My father was allergic to everything except God."